Challenge 86 - Voting - Wanderlust

[Corupt2057]

Mr. Hankie - exactly what addicted_tochoas said
Rank 8

Disco Dragon - Critiqued in S&L I'm not too keen on the way the you fit the challenge word in here just because I knew what it was before and I don't think that it works as well however I'm not going to hold it agianst you too much because its still in context with where your taking the ending if that makes any sense to anyone
Rank 2

RunAmokRampant - I thought this was very creative, you have to read it as a story to understand it and stories work really well as songs alot of the time. I only have 2 nitpicks one is the word 'grudgingly' I'm sure when it's sung you can easily put the sound of aggression into it but I felt it was just bleh because of the contrast of its sound. and the other is 'prick the skin' I just felt it needed more aggressiveness. but like I said I liked this and only had nitpicks
Rank 1

6945 - I really liked the first verse has a Linkin Park feel to it (from me that's a compliment (so I dunno how you will take it)) and the chorus was cool the disappear part confused me at first as to whom or what you were talking about 'you' disappearing or the 'dawn in the mirror'. The last line of the one verse 'Kick some serious *** I didn't much care for but it flowed with it well but still it doesn't sit that well in my opinion. The last verse was pretty tight man. and like everyone else said 'Put dawn in the mirror' nice phrase
Rank 3

Rushfan2112 - I really liked your chorus the 3rd and 4th lines of it are very catchy however the some parts in the verses would get stopped by some awkward wording like "so while we move so fast" coming of the line prior to it it seemed forced but not to bad I think a slight wording adjustment can easily clear that up. I like the way you tied this up at the end.
Rank 5

SeasonOfTheMad - The chorus was good had a very nice rocking tone to it. 'soap made of ease' I apologize but this was just lame and in my opinion forced I honestly think you can sacrifice one rhyme cause all the other 3 in the verse will make up for it. Last 2 lines of last verse were very nice.
Rank 6

super deluxe - cute. referring to your crit on my piece, I think I would actually consider it a critique if you read for content and not just read for the rhyme at the end of the line. that's your downfall
Rank 9

jurialmunkey - Sorry just not my flavor (I do like your others just not this one)
Rank 7

addicted_tochoas -
"In my head, I am God
and I have no believers.
I dont need followers."
I really like this but I felt it lacked another line suggestion is "To lead their demise". I know you explained what all this meant to everyone that was confused in the replies section but I didn't read it cause I want to give it an honest opinion not the aftermath of author's notes ya know. Anyways Everything made sense to me up until 'In your face' ok maybe at this point you're talking about facing the real God? dunno.. and the last two lines in my opinion I don't think they fit well with it just because it left me confused.. I liked this piece but I think the ending needs to be re-worked
Rank 4

Note: The ranks 4-6 were tough to judge because I liked the pieces but there was atleast something or a couple of things in them to bring them down or that I didn't like

[6945]

Corupt2057: First up, ooh a soundtrack. I thought it was a good fit from the film. A couple lines made me wince " from a picture frame" and "You all say you know a doctor...". The sound of them hurt the creative flow for me. Good piece overall though. I liked it

Mr. Hankie: you must, you must, you must practice if you wanna be good like us.

Disco Dragon: Next up...a Sagittarius huh? I think what strikes me about this is the way it gets to the heart of ordinary or "normal" if you will. It's not always poetic, but niether is life for us average Joe's. A good set up for the topic too which the first two didnt capture to well.

RunAmokRampant: Will anyone stick with this long enough to appreciate what you've got here. I say no.

6945

Rushfan2112: Seemingly seemless. Wistful and simple. A bit light but a good contrast to RunAmok's piece

SeasonOfTheMad: This is good in a pretty sort of way. Seems to lack any kind of edge, bite. ie man seeds sown type of stuff. Chorus works...it all seems to work and daisy's and butterflies are cute. (OMG am I hungover today or what)

JurialMunkey:Yea it’s bleak and it’s anatomy but it’s so well constructed. It has vibrant color but its all shadows, red and black. I hated the Spiderman movies but I get a feeling of one of the villains from one of those flicks. Wildly insane and demented. I was in a video store the other day and saw a release by that horrible slut Paris Hilton: “The Hillz”. So your Z’s, unfortunately reminded me of that bitch. Sorry

addicted tochoas: This alternates between good lines and some that dont work for me. The chorus? with the trees...didnt like. "In my head"...liked. "no one around to see it anyway" nope. The ending liked very much. So kind of an uneven piece in my eyes. It did envoke mood though I will say that.

3rd… Corupt2057
8th… Mr. Hankie
4th… Disco Dragon
1st… RunAmokRampant
6945
6th Rushfan2112
5th… SeasonOfTheMad
9th… super deluxe
2nd… JurialMunkey
7th… addicted tochoas

[RunAmokRampant]

Corupt2057 8/10 1st
This would work really well in one of those epic 20 minute prog-rock classic songs mainly due to it's length. But when without music to keep interest, I find it a chore to have to read your's from start to finish. Although it really isnt that long, your repeated chorus' clutter it up. Materials and content is well thought out. It maybe lengthy but not worthless.

Mr. Hankie 5/10 8th
The chorus stutters way to much especially when it is a chorus. IMO choruses need to flow well and this just does the opposite. Content a bit superficial, doesn't really go into depth much at all.

Disco Dragon 7.5/10 2nd
I really like this one. Untitled? I suppose it doesn't really matter, this is a quite a unique song within a pretty straight forward structural scheme. This has a modern feel to it I think.

6945 7/10 6th
Another quite interesting piece. Stays on track of the topic which is good. Sounds a bit robotic though with the larger words and short lines.

Rushfan2112 7/10 3rd
I like this. Some spelling errors could be easily avoided but other than that is a overall nice song with the challenge word basically the topic. Did it nicely.

SeasonOfTheMad 7/10 5th
Not bad for a first entry. At times a bit cliche "a man only reaps the seeds he has sewn", but you extend it further on the next line so I suppose thats good. Lots of imagery, maybe a bit too much in places especially the "rivers of faces...." stanza. Not a bad entry.

super deluxe 3/10 9th
This amused me for about 3 seconds, so thats the score you get.

JurialMunkey 6.5/10 7th
The first time I read this I liked it, but now I find it a bit silly. I feel that the tone isnt quite as serious as it should be except for the "At least.." stanza which I quite enjoyed reading. "At least I'm an important chess piece, drifting in amongst chequered paranoia". Love that line. You still can create some decent lines, but this song doesn't feel right. I like ambigious songs but I find this a bit.... random maybe?

addicted tochoas 7/10 4th
I find this pretty good, some parts dont feel right "across my bitten lip,
There is no hurt.". Maybe change hurt to pain might sound better. "And some distant tree falls.." hmm dunno why but I like this... makes me think to what your talking about but I sense the relevance to the topic. Good effort.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Corupt2057
Mr. Hankie
Disco Dragon
RunAmokRampant
6945
Rushfan2112
SeasonOfTheMad
super deluxe
JurialMunkey
addicted tochoas

I didn't enter, but I'll at least take the time to make fun of the entries.

[Mr. Hankie]

Just to let yall know I was joking when I wrote my song and I didn't expect to win, so I did it for fun.

[Rushfan2112]

Corrupt
Side note, saw Edward Scissorhands on the other day, its one of those movies that’s only good once, but is really good that first time you see it…
Anyway, “Pacifying my wanderlust.. in this pastel paradise,” that was an insanely cool line, and it had the challenge word in it…awesome…
The only real complaint I have is that it’s too long, I dunno how long the song for this would be, but it would almost defiantly lose my attention…but nice work here…
8.5/10
1st

Mr. Hankie
Yeah, I didn’t like this before I read it, “traveling sucks” isn’t a real attention grabber for a song…but, continuing…your I musts are annoying, repitive, and a tounge twister (I seriously challenge anyone to say those three times fast, I couldnt)…Interesting piece, try naming it something cooler, that would defiantly help it…something awesome like “Traveling Chronicles”…actually, that sucks, don’t listen to me…
5.5/10
7th

Disco Dragon
This lacks a title…though it does make me laugh a little on some lines, if that was oyur intent, nice job…but wanderlust seems misused here…imo, and that’s the whole point me thinks…
6.5/10
6th

RunAmok
I like this…the rhyming scheme is…I can’t find it…so that didn’t help you with my grade…but this has a quality of serousness that I like to it, and that redeemed it…
7.5/10
4th

6945
And kick *** phrase of the contest goes to “Put dawn in the mirror, Attitude adjustment in gear, Throttle up…lean back….disappear” that was awesome, but other than that this really didn’t do much for me…unfolds implodes, recode really annoys me…and I absolutely hate it when some one uses a cuss word in a lyric, it takes away any seriousness that the lyric had, and this is defiantly the impression I got with this
8/10
3rd

SeasonOfTheMad
I like your chorus, that’s a good chorus right there…the rest of the song is iffy…it lacks some stand out awesomeness, but there really is nothing I can complain about here, for a first entry that was awesome…
8/10
2nd

Super Deluxe
It’s a good thing we don’t use paper, what a waste of tree that would be! And you can think I’m a stupid ho all you want, I think this was crappy, and this takes up time and space…I mean, how crappy is that, why don’t you just not bother entering and save us all a little time…like me for instance, I could have said “this sucks” and left it at that, but I wanted you to read a little bit more just to be annoying…and I liked the word wanderlust myself…althoughactually, to give a positive, there was nothing wrong with the flow of your song…
.5/10
9th

Jurialmunkey
I raised this comment on the other lyric forum…I’m getting tired of seeing all the murder and death and blood comments in songs…be a little original sometime….and **** her **** her isn’t my idea of an ingenious line either…the z’s in the beginning paragraph (which I will discuss in a minute) were also annoying. This line was confusing as well, in the literal sense, “I've already killed myself; over you, over you..,My lung grieves the stabbing sting; so slowly, I'm dying..” If you’re already dead, how can you be dying slowly…maybe change it to, “so slowly, was dying”, but that’s just my thought…ok, now, a paragraph shouldn’t open a lyric, the whole point is it fits to song….spoken lyrics like this just don’t grab me as cool….more as “hey, I can’t find any other way to introduce this”…shows lack of effort
5/10
8th

Addicted_tochaos
This is interesting, and I feel it’s out of my reach of comprehension as to what exactly your talking about, so I’ll judge it on pure rhyme and such…this confused me a lot, you were talking about “no one being around” but then you start reffering to you…”you’re assigned a pretty face”…it confuses me…this also seemed to try to cram in the word wanderlust (literally saved it for the last word), rhyming scheme was again, non existent, or else very chaotic…unable to be followed if it was a scheme….so ya know, I don’t like that…but not bad really…
7/10
5th

[kevbud187]

Corupt2057
Ive seen this one on L&S main page and i liked it. i still like it
1st

Mr. Hankie
Odd theme but its better than most
3rd

Disco Dragon
Reminds me of third grade. Strict structure and u stayed on ur topic
2nd

RunAMokRampant
I think the theme has been over done
6th

6945
I am loving the chorus. The Verses kill it though
7th

Rushfan2112
I dont remeber yours. It was to plain. It was to on toipic that is was balnd. srry
9th

SeasonOfTheMad
It had a very thought provoking wording. It was phycadelic almost
4th

Super Deluxe
That was a bad joke. I think that it is unwise to mock Corupt2057's theme word.
10th

jurialmunkey
By the wording of the song I think u killed any potential the metal like lyric could have had
8th

addicted tochaos
I was confuzzled yet I liked the flow or somethin. maybe im just cooked?
5th

[SeasonOfTheMad]

corupt2057- #7, well structured, but i didnt really like the lyrics sorry.

mr hankie- #5, solid song, I liked the line "i must i must I must find the lust i lust for most"

disco dragon- #2, so close to #1 but I liked 6945's just a little better.

runamokrampant- #6, meh pretty good, didnt inspire me much tho.

6945- #1, took a while to decide between you and disco dragon, but i liked your third verse a lot, and the overall flow of your song was cool.

rushfan2112- #3, i liked the chorus, rest of the song was good.

seasonofthemad- #0 god **** that was breathtaking... beautiful, awesome...

superdeluxe- #9, "since i did not choose the word, bla bla bla" ... you cant write lyrics unless you choose the word, eh?

jurialmunkey- #8, didnt like it at all sorry. I feel like using the word the way you did in that strange opening sequence was kind of a cop-out. The lyrics were good, but too dark and death- metallish for my taste, so even tho i respect the lyrics, i dislike them strongly haha.

addicted_tochaos- #4, I had you at #6 just a second ago but re-read yours and I like it a lot more the second time through, I cant tell if its about having a lot of women, or about being a wanderer or something, the latter of which I would like more but either way its a cool song.

[super deluxe]

OVERALL NOTES: A word like this sucks because pretty much everyone uses it the same way and writes the same old boring traveler songs. Ick. Also, rhyming is not necessary, and forced ones sound stupid. Learn how to punctuate. Lots of you throw punctuation all around like it’s going out of style. It’s like signaling when to breathe, and it sets the pacing, so put some thought into it first.

7 Corupt2057- You’re kidding, right? Rhyming tired old schlock like “wrong/long” and belligerently punctuating doesn’t exactly make for smooth reading. Not to mention mallcore lines like “I know I’m different but not everyone knows.” And then I get to the even more stale “lies/eyes” rhyme. Seriously, you don’t have a bad premise, just think about SHOWING, instead of TELLING. Don’t bludgeon me over the head with your story, show it to me in an interesting, new way.

9 Mr. Hankie- You said you wrote your song as a joke. That’s coo’.

6 Disco Dragon- At least you’re getting better at rhyming things that don’t make me want to stab pencils in my ears. That said, some of your soft rhymes are pretty tenuous. Instead of scrabbling so hard to get them, why don’t you just let the flow of the words themselves do the work, and leave the rhymes to Shel Silverstein?

5 RunAmokRampant- I was vaguely interested in your song, and then you stabbed me through the heart with your dagger and…You settled back into the lame-o blood imagery at the end, and it seemed like a cop out. Other than that, pretty average song (which is good, by this challenge’s standards)

1 6945- I rather like this, it’s certainly the best of what I’ve read so far. The last line is a winner, and would make a nice hook. I am glad that you do not abuse your vocabulary, and the rhymes are pleasant and inoffensive. I think it needs a more realized second chorus.

4 Rushfan2112- Don’t complain about getting bad rankings when you’re rhyming “be/see” and “last/fast”. This isn’t terribly sophisticated; it’s full of generalities, and lacks the specifics needed to really grab a listener. Content wise, you need to dip below the surface of high-school philosophy and come up with a way to give specific situational details.

8 SeasonOfTheMad- You don’t need to punctuate the end of every line. It interrupts the flow, and seems amateurish. Your rhymes seem forced, and the story is very common. Keep working at it, and I’m sure you’ll come up with better offerings in the future.

super deluxe- :rolleyes:

2 JurialMunkey- It’s true, it is so cliché. But the fact that you know that makes it somehow more palatable. You have some nice morbid lines in there, but I feel like you need another stanza in there to really develop a scathing moral of some sort.

3 addicted tochaos- When did you stop writing pretty ethereal weird things and start writing emo? Though, I guess this seems to me like the one in the challenge that could best be set to actual music.

[ATC]

*Reserves pretty voting spot and pees all over it*

[ATC]

Corupt - Despite all the grief over your word, I like the way you used it. I can definitely see the chorus working well within a song, even if I'm not a fan of all the things in brackets. Its a soundtrack song eh? It works well as that. Though seriously, lose the ....s . Kinda hurts the eyes. 3

Hankie - You made me laugh with the I must, I must part. The song itself isnt
very good. Since you said its a joke, then I guess I should treat it as such. 9

Disco D - I'm alternately liking and hating this. It's decent but I dunno, you
You have nice lines but they seem to go nowhere. After the first two lines, I expected something else altogether. Eh, still cool. 6

R.A.R - I dunno. It feels inconsistent. The middle section kinda ruins it for me.
Maybe I should read this again, as advised. 4

6945- I love this, in a song-that-gets-into-your-head sorta way. Put dawn in the mirror. I just love the chorus part. You need a bridge or an interlude part to complete it, methinks. 5

Rushfan- Sense those commen instincts. Is that a typo for common or conmen? Either ways, its this inspirational sorta song that's on the radio all the time, just in a more out-there way. This wouldnt work that way cos I cant feel any hooks. 7

Season of the Mad - I kinda like it. Its good even if its a first entry.
It feels like a good song, even if the flow is a bit off maybe in a few places.
'The traveller returns..' feels a little strained and forced etc etc. Considering you havent gotten that rigid elsewhere..
PS: Mad Season- River of Deceit. Nice song. Its got the river analogy too. I need to go listen to that CD sometime. 2

Super D- Such insane flow. 8

Jmunk - What are the xxx's supposed to be? Contrary to what you wrote in the replies thread, I dont think you need another stanza to fill this out.
I like, even if the xxx just throws me off. 1

[Mr. Hankie]

The only one I'm judging is the only one I read.


Mr. Hankie: OMG. This is the most horrible song I have ever seen on this website. I mean, where is the chorus? Seriously, you say you wrote that song as a joke, but at least make it a good joke. This is a disgrace to the word wanderlust. I can't believe you took the time to write this. I hate you and hope you die. Definately a 10/10

[SeasonOfTheMad]

i laughed out loud at the 10/10 line.

yeah ill admit that i didnt develop the song like i should have, i actually forgot to edit it altogether, so what you all saw was the first draft. i wanted to take my line about the river of faces flowing into the sea, while they wash their dreams off with soap made of ease, and go somewhere with it. what i was trying to do was make the traveller someone who risks everything to follow their dreams, and "the river of faces" just everyone who doesnt, and takes the easy way out by doing the norm "flows into a sea" "washes their dreams off with soap made of ease" bla blah i didnt present it well enough or develop it like i should. ill be back though you bastards, OH YES, i will be back. mweheehhee

[Disco Dragon]

Stop cluttering up the voting thread with dumbness. By the way, this will be my voting spot.






Yes.... you.
|
|
V

[SeasonOfTheMad]

me?

[Minos]

Eh, what the hell. 3:30am, can't sleep, why not vote?

8 - Corrupt - 5.8 - I think SuperD's crit was a lot more helpful than you give credit. It feels as though I'm reading a synapsis on Edward Scissorhands. Why would I want that? Hell, I'd just buy books on tape, then. You need imagery, rather than writing blatant rhymes, paint me a picture.

10 - Mr. Hankie - 3.0 - Yes, a joke. However, it's amusing how well it sums up the only plausible topic.

3 - Disco Dragon - 6.2 - You've done better. The word does seem pasted in there, but not all that bad. I think its just kind of tough to figure which direction you're running.

7 - R.A.R - 5.9 - Alright, this is NOT a bad piece. The problem is that it felt like I was reading from a textbook. Well written, but dull. There is no imagery, no catchy line that left me like...wow. Again, don't just write, paint me a picture. I want to SEE what you see.

2 - 6945 - 6.3 - It flows. It has no rhymes that bring to mind Dr. Suess, or Shel Silverstein (if anyone followed his work, his songs were pretty vulgar. That was before 'A Light in The Attic' and such). Anywho, but again, I have only a couple images from this. The dawn in the mirror, awesome, rubber on asphalt, crescent moon. That's it.

6 - Rushfan - 5.99 - Okay, rhyming is not inherently evil. Silly, or overused rhymes, however, can be very grating. Take this, from Ra:

'Fallen rock zone
Broken backbone
I wanna hear you scream into your cellphone
You're just a traitor
Eleventh grader
Cyber-sex addicted masturbator'

Possibly the most cheesy rhyming I've EVER heard. Avoid stuff that may sound as such.

5 - Season of the Mad - 6.0 - Last place for spamming votes! Jk, anyway It isn't all bad. But like they've said, it kind of jumps around without warning. Starts out well, albeit simplistic rhyming, but the flow is comforting and the imagery is decent. From there, though, it dives. Our comforting flow changes for the worst, the imagery jumps from one idea to the next...next thing we know, we're in the corner crying.

9 - super deluxe - 3.1 - Bonus for using turd in a song. EXTRA bonus for using it again, as an adjective!

1 - jmunk - 6.5 - Agreed, not your best, but definately better than anything else posted. They see a song written in an unfamiliar way and they run to the hills. A) I believe the z's were meant to underscore the cliche? B) Swearing in a song does not automatically **** it from merit. When they are well placed, and not overused, they can bring a lot more emotion to a piece than a less vulgar synonym.

4 - addicted_toTACOS! - 6.1 - Bleak, to say the least. This does seem a bit softcore for you, but whatever. No imagery. I just see blackness. Maybe, over there, is that a...no, just blackness. However, your word usage and several phrases did very well in my mind. I liked the numbers->face->voice part.

[ef drummer 89]

This is Major Tom to ground control....

I'm stepping through the door, and I'm floating in the most paculiar way!

And the stars look very different.. TODAY!!

[WhatILivefoR]

aaaand, I just finished a list of ranks with comments on each song when my computer freezes. That's just downright amazing.

I don't have the patience to do it all again, sorry. It took too long, and I unfortunately don't have the time at the moment.

but here is my list/rankings:
1 RunAmokRampant
2 6945
3 Jurialmunkey
4 Disco Dragon
5 Corupt2057
6 addicted_tochaos
7 Rushfan2112
8 SeasonOfTheMad
9 super deluxe
10 Mr Hankie

[Corupt2057]

Closed
Thankyou all who voted

[ATC]

Guess I'm breaking and entering then.

:lol: