Between The Eyes

[Bub]

(crit for crit)
Hey, another song here! Between The Eyes, I'll know say what its about but then again its not that hard to figure out (least I tried to make it that way)
------------------
Between The Eyes

Distinction of my kind,
Forbids the human mind,
Freedom all men seek
Unconscious of my sin,
Demanding to begin,
The things that make me weak

Masked by words' dictate
Further twist my fate
Writing words you cannot see
Can't shake this condition
Whilst it remains the mission
To throw away my key

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
Between The Eyes

(Foreign thoughts and actions,
motivation's unknown,
I can't warn you enough,
to fear what i've grown)

(With or without sanity,
I have feelings too
My fate is up for sale
And the market's down to you)

Stalagmites of sense
Flaming to condense
Pain like rationality...
Failure to entrust
To you my life and dust
The ash of my body...

Build the road to nowhere
Lay the bridge of despair
Anyway to get at me...
Shackle me with steel
Let the human feel
The captured inner me..

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
Between The Eyes
------------------

Its a slower more powerful metal song (melodic), with the chorus turning out to be very Metallica Black Album style, and the verses very Dream Evil "Evilised" verses (the song)
If you know these, good on you, if not, try :P
The verses (more like a long bridge) in the brackets are semi whispered, and the chorus is sang with a lotof attention to tone. It fits the guitar exactly, that kidna thing.

Crit for crit, so pleeeaaaase :P

If any of you wanna check out my critically acclaimed (lol...technically, it is!) Dampened Wings (by the way that was a joke earlier) go ahead, again crit for crit.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7633183#post7633183

[WhatILivefoR]

I think I'll share with you what the title of this peice made me think of:
I have friends who live in Venezuala as missionaries; and in the tribe in which they were living at the time of this story: they measure fish by the distance between the eyes. My friend's father didn't know that when they first moved to this tribe, and you can imagine the confusion when a native came up and wanted him to pay the equal amount of about $20 for a fish "this big!" with his fingers about three inches apart.

I'm sorry, that was really sidetracked, but it's what came to my head.

Back to the crit!
I have to say, I liked "Dampened Wings" more than this. As I was reading this- I felt that the rhyming took up too much of my concentration- that I couldn't focus enough on the meaning of the piece itself. I can't come up with much else to say...sorry.
This one needs some work, but I can see it in the style that you mentioned. I would let the instrumentals carry this song I think.

[Bub]

Ok, can you suggest anything?
It is more of a song's song than Dampened Wings, the guitar to this song was nailed before the lyrics had been started so I only had a short amount of time in each line to write. I figured, as the guitar is quite melodical, rhyme was important, so I chose AACBBC, I like these, gives a lot of tension
Thanks for the crit though!

[cerbius]

Distinction of my kind,
Forbids the human mind,
Freedom all men seek
Unconscious of my sin,
Demanding to beging,
The things that make me weak
Strong intro, good opening, sort of sets a dark, slow, heavy, and powerful tone, i could imagine it with sum really good music in the back to back it up. If its done correctly with the music, it could be really good. I like the rhyme scheme that uve started out with, AACBBC


Masked by what you dictate
Further subverting my fate
Writing words you cannot see
Can't abscend my condition
When it is your mission
To throw away my key
Condition- mission, seems a little forced, i know it makes sense and fits with the song, but, it pretrudes a little. Otherwise good stanza. Although, as i think one of the posts said before, the rhyme scheme is kind of taking away from the lyrics themselves, making the song sound more, forced kind of. All i hear are the tate, fate, see, key, ission -ition....


I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
Good change, Although, the AAAAB scheme is kind of annoying, once again, it might sound good sung if its done slowly, but otherwise, its stands out. I like the content of this stanza though, well written.

(Foreign thoughts and actions,
motivation's unknown,
I can't warn you enough,
to fear what i've grown)
No complaints here, it flows and its smooth, i like it.


I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
same as before

(With or without sanity,
I have feelings too
My fate is up for sale
And the market's down to you)
Very good stanza, well written, stands out in the song, good imagery.

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
Between The Eyes
Like before, i dont like the rhymes at the end of everything, but, good content, just like i said before, ...is the behind thsoe eyes two strong vocals? or does it kind of fade out? ...if it fades out it would work well...


It's an alright song overall, rhyming is a bit forced at times (although thats just the way i read it, it may sound fine sung) Good job overall, work on it a bit...it could be really good

7.5/10

by the way, ill check out Dampened Wings tmrw, dont have the time right now.

[dan030290]

It;s alright like, i can tell that you wanted the ballad type thing

The words in brackets seem very swift and sum up alot of things. Well done##7.5/10

[PunkyMcEmo]

haha thanks for the crit. yours is prolly the first ive gotten that actually helped.
anyways:

Distinction of my kind,
Forbids the human mind,
Freedom all men seek
Unconscious of my sin,
Demanding to beging,
The things that make me weak
^ pretty cool, but i had to read it a couple times to understand maybe im just dumb.
nothing really special here, but nothing bad


Masked by what you dictate
Further subverting my fate
Writing words you cannot see
Can't abscend my condition
When it is your mission
To throw away my key
^ better than the first stanza. its got that nice 'you cant control my mind' vibe

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
^ too much rhyming. it sounds mother goosey, which is a shame because i like most of the words, but youre like forcing the -ear sound in not just one line, but seemingly alll of them

(Foreign thoughts and actions,
motivation's unknown,
I can't warn you enough,
to fear what i've grown)
^ nice. fits, pretty cool.

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes

(With or without sanity,
I have feelings too
My fate is up for sale
And the market's down to you)
^ best stanza so far. i like the metaphor here.

I cannot trust what's here
Between the eyes is all I fear
Can't release what I feel near
someone else is the one to steer
Between The Eyes
Between The Eyes

Over all, a good song. a little unclear.
7.5/10

[Bub]

Thanks all! The song is actually about a person with schizophrenia going to a sanitarium for it, and making his plea whilst he's still sane. And yeah, whilst it isn't a ballad, its more like a Metallica sort of power song, like Hero Of The Day or Until It Sleeps

[Bub]

Ok, this is a late bump, but we're going into the recording studio with this in a few days' time and I wondered if anything stood out a mile here? Any little phrases you think I could change?

[Bub]

one last bump? any comments at all? even "stop fricking bumping and accept your song's dead"

as a special treat for my 100th post? ;)