Apologies Remain

[factor46]

Yeah, I haven't written anything in awhile, so, sorry if it isn't very good. Please crit. :D


Apologies Remain

Pages and pages,
Flat out repetition, could anyone read so much?
To fulfill unprepared situations with goodbyes,
A bride from yesterday, all ready to call it quits.
Unfit for life, untrained for schemes fated to disappoint.
But he loves her too much to watch her cry,
He wants her so badly, by his side.
And she never left his side, he left hers, a mistake that will forever irk him.
Toils and toils,
Listing everything gone wrong,
Watching anything she can call wrong.
It was the initial thought process she went through,
Over and over, atop that boulder,
Imprinted with marks from previous rests.
Now she doesn’t need his company, she doesn’t need his comfort.
He wants to so badly, to relieve his bride,
But that was his last chance, persistence won’t help anymore.
Apologies remain.

[factor46]

oh come on guys.....only 2 people even looked at the song, and one of them was me...


how sad.


someone please crit.

[Farm girl]

I think its quite good. I don't know what id give it out of 10, im not very good at criticising

[factor46]

well thanks for at least reading it. :D

[shadeddakotabassist]

love the meaning in the whole piece..just a couple of things that um.."irk" me...

#1
the word "irk"...great word for class as a joke and all, but in a song/poem it just doesn't feel like it works

#2
Listing everything gone wrong,
Watching anything she can call wrong.

ugly repetition here. I think you can do better.

it was ok, but it could use some work, as all things seem to. I'd maybe go back to ground zero and break out a thesaurus or someting. 7/10

[factor46]

i actually thought that was a cool repetition...

thanks though, for the crit. :D

[ABulldog]

Yeah, sometimes staying away from writing allows us time to reflect on ourselves and a little time to develop our style and generate new ideas. This is definately a good peom, but that is all I see it as right now. 8.9/10

Can u crit mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=330903

[Sloth]

I also didn't like the use of "irk"
I really like this piece... It has a rare, but very real, meaning.. It's all too common.
very nice Factor

[factor46]

thanks to the both of you. i can see why "irk" isnt the most popular word up there....i had a hard time deciding which word to pick myself. i might switch it, i may not. oh well anyways, thanks for the crits. and i will get back to your song ABulldog. don't you worry. lol.