my would-be girlfriend

[rockerofnevada]

similar to black widow

Confusion washes over me
the day i met ivy
she was looking really beautiful
all for me but not for me

she was standing there with a grin on her face
looking for a mind to toy with
silent she set her sights on me
with a glint in her eyes and flaming hate

i can't believe i took her bate
in which she set to steal it all
and run away to find another
and break the dignity the have

chorus

this venquilaquest used me like a dummy
to kill the time she needed to lose
to fly on and over life
and the lies she left with me

not all that is beautiful is sweet
like the sour that's ivy
who never told me who she was
but a petty thief in the night

[Liquid Fantasy]

i see it more like a poem than a song. :s

[rockerofnevada]

bump

[ABulldog]

I'm dumb... what is black widow?

Oh and use spell checker before any reads this.

I don't know if I like or hate this yet.

The thing is, is that there isn't much imagery to pop out at the reader, therefore there won't be any for the listener to think about. It may be workable if you add some kinda punch to it. And what is the chorus any ways? Maybe if you had a chorus that has imagery in it and sums up everything in the verses, something catchy, then it could work.

[shayne_122]

The title could use some work

imagery, as noted above, is faltering a bit... some of the wordplay is good though

the songs a touch cliche... reminded me of that goldfinger song i cant remember... something about a chick named mabel..

powerpop, anyone?

uh id rate it maybe a 7/10?


oh yeah and rate mine please

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=333676

thankee

[DeadReligion]

songs about girls bore me...sorry

[mosher902]

firstly and i bit off the subject, what kind of **** parents would name their daughter "Ivy"?

anyway to be honest i think this song is a bit of a boring one, i can't see any rythmic patterns (not always a bad thing) and the words just don't fit together.

plus the subject is a bit of an overused one, it could be better if you gave it a bit of an edge like some of "My Chemical Romance's stuff" but this just sounds like a bad attempt at simple plan (worst bad ever to get a record deal).

that said i think you should just scrap it or leave it for a while as i can't see any potential.