cracked

[rockerofnevada]

Scars forming inside my life
time never healing the wounds
breakinging into small pieces
that fill the time that i lose

ice cracking under my feet
never stopping for my sake
freezing the fire inside of me
that i worked for all my life

i'm breaking under the pressure
and it hurts me everyday
never stopping the pain i feel
through the darkness inside of me

[Clear the Skies]

Scars forming inside my life
time never healing the wounds
breakinging into small pieces
that fill the time that i lose

ice cracking under my feet
never stopping for my sake
freezing the fire inside of me
that i worked for all my life

i'm breaking under the pressure
and it hurts me everyday
never stopping the pain i feel
through the darkness inside of me

First off, I think the song is too short. However, nothing is particularily wrong or bad about it, besides that. It's fairly generic, especially with lines like, "through the darkness inside of me," and, "i'm breaking under the pressure." However, you have a pretty good understanding of how the song should flow, which is one of the more difficult aspects of a piece to hit, in my opinion. By flow, I mean how each line fits with the lines before and after it, how they function together as a whole. I really like the rhyme of, "wounds," and, "lose," in the first stanza, because though they aren't direct rhymes, they still sound simliar, and help create a definition, a structure, and a flow to that stanza.

Overall, I'd suggest adding a chorus (a repeated stanza) in between those lines, to lengthen the song and give the whole thing a central feel. Keep your sense of flow, but try expanding on certain ideas without using cliche lines that everyone else uses. I think, as long as you keep writing more songs, you'll catch things like that more and more. So, I'd give this song a 5.5/10, but my best suggestion would be to keep writing more songs. You obviously have a good command of language, the concept of flow, and ideas you want to communicate, I think you just need to write more to sort of get your own style and feel.

[punker nicks ska]

id take "that" out of "that fill the time that i lose"/ that fill the time i lose. and make it longer

[rockerofnevada]

it's not done yet i just post what i have so far and i will ad another verse or two and a chorus