Everyone is going to die

[Mr Benners]

Woo, second song lol.
Not quite the five part prog epic that was the first one, but hey, my writing is sporadic. I leave songwriting to my friend normally.
Make of this what you will.

Everyone Around You Is Going To Die And There Is Absolutely Nothing That You Can Do To Stop It Happening

This face, it is just a mask,
And it hides my lies and fears,
My dishonesty and my betrayal,
How I will lose everything

From behind it I am safe,
As long as my teeth don’t sink.
People walking down the street,
Towards their graves.

Chorus
And when these heads have turned to stone,
Will it penetrate your skull?
Left out here, in disbelief,
There was nothing you could do.

There is nothing you can do.


I clung on tightly, not to slip,
But it did no good, my nails they split,
Fall away from me,
These circles will scatter.

Chorus

Don’t hold on,
To wish is not enough,
These moments cannot last lifetimes.
Throw a spanner,
Will the wheel stop?

Holding on is only holding back,
Don’t look back the spanners snapped,
And the wheel is coming,
These circles will always spin.

Chorus

[burton.and.gas]

BEN IS A HOBO! hey ben good song lol. 8/10

[Mr Benners]

Twenty eight views..... one reply.......
This is why I love it here......

[burton.and.gas]

Bring Back The Prog Epics!

[Mr Benners]

Sorry folks, but I'm goin to keep bumping this until someone (who isnt Huw :P) would be so kind as to crit it properly. Leave a link and I'll return the favour.

Thanks
:thumb:

[cerbius]

Its ...not bad, but not so great either...i dont like it.

This face, it is just a mask,
And it hides my lies and fears,
My dishonesty and my betrayal,
How I will lose everything

From behind it I am safe,
As long as my teeth don’t sink.
People walking down the street,
Towards their graves.

There is absolutely no rhyme schemes in these stanzas, they seem like just random rambling, which doesnt make a good song, unless they way its sang is phenomenal..., but otherwise, i dont like them.

the chorus is ok, it needs some structure and rhyme,
And when these heads have turned to stone,
Will it penetrate your skull?
Left out here, in disbelief,
There was nothing you could do.

There is nothing you can do.

although, the "there was nothing... and the There Is nothing..." sounds repetitive, and unecesary, but if it works in the song itself, i guess its ok to leave there.

I clung on tightly, not to slip,
But it did no good, my nails they split,
Fall away from me,
These circles will scatter.

ok now u have slip, and split which rhymes, but then me and scatter which dont, thats ur first rhyme in the whole song, and it throws the whole thing off.

Throw a spanner,
Will the wheel stop?

???????? i dont like those, they seem unecessary to the song.

And the wheel is coming, <--- doesnt exactly make sense gramatically
These circles will always spin. <--- kind of rhymes with coming, if it was meant to rhyme, it doesnt really work, but if it wasnt, it doesnt do anyhing to end the song, it closes it, but really leaves it with absolutely no scheme at all.

I know my crit has been really harsh, but hey, i know its ur second song and ur writing WILL get a lot better..(you shuldve seen sum of my first stuff, it sucked)...but the good ppl here at mx critted it harshly, and made me a much better writer as a whole, i dont want to insult you by saying its bad, cause at least you wrote something, other than others who just say "oh i could never"....keep trying, being one of ur first, i was harsh on purpose, you will get better.......right now i would give this a 3/10.

oh by the way ..i also think the title is kinda long :P

sry if i sounded mean ...but if u have a chance culd u crit my song?
The Ride
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=333764

[Mr Benners]

Wow, a crit!
Thanks dude.
And no, it isnt supposed to rhyme, I'm not into rhyming really.
And yeah, the song title is absurdly long. It's a joke really, not what I'd really use.