Not sure what to call it yet (please crit)

[mosher902]

hi i haven't come up with a name yet exept mabye "This is How Phyicopaths are Made" any some constructive crit would really be helpfull.

An arm gushing blood
one last emotional flood
then i swear it will end
but every insult sticks to me like glue
am i really this see through
(is it sensitivity or is it more)

I know your not aware
but telling you would be a dare

so i'll breath in
control this life
but right now
i'd much pefer a knife

Chorus

So used
so abused
i need to talk to you
but i'm so afraid
is this how Phycopaths are made?
right now i need to hide
cause no one's left to confide

i'm so alone
i wish i had reason to use that phone
but no one cares
feels like i'm falling down a million stairs
that never end
please god make this end!

so used so abused
need to slow things down
cause i'm so confused
this wound will take more than first aid
is this how phyicopaths are made?

Break

i just lost
it's as cold as frost
look at my vains
so dead and blue
bearing a thousand slews

(or)

got to fingers against my head
mabye this world would be better if i was
dead

[I Love Fat women]

Boring, emo. Seriously, some originality please.

[Steel Sun]

hey. gud song mate. Apostate jus has an attitude problem dont listen to him. Write about what u want. write from ur insides, dont listen to people telling u its not original. wether it is or not it doesnt matter as long as its what u want it to sound like. if u put sum iron maiden stuff on here it wudnt be original enough for this dude. u got sum music for this song ?

[mosher902]

hey. gud song mate. Apostate jus has an attitude problem dont listen to him. Write about what u want. write from ur insides, dont listen to people telling u its not original. wether it is or not it doesnt matter as long as its what u want it to sound like. if u put sum iron maiden stuff on here it wudnt be original enough for this dude. u got sum music for this song ?

so you liked it, sorry if it sounds emoish it's just that the stuff i write about emo has stolen and turned it into ****.

as for the music part yes and no
at the moment i'm just peicing together some acoustic chords to go with it but i think this might be better as an electric song (full band)

lastly do you have any crits thats what i need the most

[Nightvision]

phyicopaths

Do you mean psychopaths? If you do, that's the worst spelling of it I've ever seen.

I won't crit this (sorry, don't know you, and have no reason to crit) but I will offer some suggestions.

Watch the dodgy rhyming - glue/through, life/knife, blood/flood are all crap rhymes. Your originality is, quite simply not there. Imagery of blood, veins, death etc is so overused it's not even funny any more. Also, work on your spelling. A song with crap spelling does not get any + points.

As for steel sun, it's all very well writing what you feel, but to be honest, no-one feels depressed and suicidal all the time, or at least not unless they have serious issues. People need to try and write about other things they are feeling - writing about hope, excitement, uncertainty - they're all just as good topics and are a hundred times more original than misery, self-pity and anger.

I'm all for writing what you feel, but the problem is, half of the writers here DON'T feel like this - they're just following a formula, a bog-standard 'fill-in-the-blanks' style of songwriting, and while they're doing that, they'll never improve.

[mosher902]

phyicopaths

Do you mean psychopaths? If you do, that's the worst spelling of it I've ever seen.

I won't crit this (sorry, don't know you, and have no reason to crit) but I will offer some suggestions.

Watch the dodgy rhyming - glue/through, life/knife, blood/flood are all crap rhymes. Your originality is, quite simply not there. Imagery of blood, veins, death etc is so overused it's not even funny any more. Also, work on your spelling. A song with crap spelling does not get any + points.

As for steel sun, it's all very well writing what you feel, but to be honest, no-one feels depressed and suicidal all the time, or at least not unless they have serious issues. People need to try and write about other things they are feeling - writing about hope, excitement, uncertainty - they're all just as good topics and are a hundred times more original than misery, self-pity and anger.

I'm all for writing what you feel, but the problem is, half of the writers here DON'T feel like this - they're just following a formula, a bog-standard 'fill-in-the-blanks' style of songwriting, and while they're doing that, they'll never improve.

i totally know what you mean but if you must know i was in therapy so i don't care if you crit it thats fine but don't tell me how to feel
no hard feelings though

[Nightvision]

that's right, you were in therapy... everyone has an excuse why they write depressing mush. It's either therapy, or they're on anti depressants, or some other bollocks. Don't lie. Pretending you were in therapy does not make you cool, or make me respect you. In fact, quite the opposite.

Take advice when it's offered, kid.

[mosher902]

that's right, you were in therapy... everyone has an excuse why they write depressing mush. It's either therapy, or they're on anti depressants, or some other bollocks. Don't lie. Pretending you were in therapy does not make you cool, or make me respect you. In fact, quite the opposite.

Take advice when it's offered, kid.

true alot of people think their hard because they were in therapy but i don't, you just said that i wasn't thinking that.

To be honest i don't think therapy helps that much anyway the fact that you have to pay someone for them to listen to you is rediculous in my opinion.

and as for the spelling part of things i'm quite badly dislexic and despraxic, or do you think that i'm lying about that as well?

[Nightvision]

...I just think that for a 13 year old dyslexic and dyspraxic kid (I believe you on those - hardly anyone knows about dyspraxia) to have been in therapy already is somewhat... unlikely.

Anyway, I shall leave it at that, I have no wish to argue or start flaming. Keep up the writing. :)

[Iron_Weed]

An arm gushing blood
one last emotional flood
then i swear it will end
but every insult sticks to me like glue
am i really this see through
(is it sensitivity or is it more)

First 3 lines seem decent bordering on good. Come on, I bet you can think of a more original simile than glue. Last two lines seem a bit weak imo.

I know your not aware
but telling you would be a dare

Awful, awful rhyme. Kill it, kill it!

so i'll breath in
control this life
but right now
i'd much pefer a knife

First line's good, second line kinda lame, last two lines are very cliche/ boring.

Chorus

So used
so abused
i need to talk to you
but i'm so afraid
is this how Phycopaths are made?
right now i need to hide
cause no one's left to confide

Used and abused have been done, 3, 4 & 5th lines all seem pretty cool no complaints there, last two lines again suffer from terrible rhyming and boringness.

i'm so alone
i wish i had reason to use that phone
but no one cares
feels like i'm falling down a million stairs
that never end
please god make this end!

I can't really find anything good to say about this whole stanza poor rhyming, poor metaphor, boring, cliche etc.

so used so abused
need to slow things down
cause i'm so confused
this wound will take more than first aid
is this how phyicopaths are made?

Break

i just lost
it's as cold as frost
look at my vains
so dead and blue
bearing a thousand slews

3rd and 4th lines seem alright nothing else really seems worthy of surviving the editing you will no doubt be doing on this song.

(or)

got to fingers against my head
mabye this world would be better if i was
dead

First line seems kind of good and interesting last line is lame.

Ok this song does have potential it just requiers alot of editing. Try and take my comments throughout the song into account while doing so. Some decent song writing ability occasionly pops up in it but is forgotten amongst the generaly mediocre lyrics. Keep writing though.

4/10

Could you please crit my song Nos?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=333686

[ABulldog]

I liked the structure
I didn't like the rhymes.... morbid song with dr. seuss rhymes is a contradiction
I liked the topic
I didn't like the choice of words.
Hmm i need something else here that I like
I didn't like the lack of good imagery

This needs a rewrite because every image you come up with is boring. I mean I'd much prefer a knife. It doesn't give me an image. It makes it seem like words are just on paper. Nothing grabs us, except the starting two lines.

[XtruetildeathX]

Don't write a song with a chorus and ****, just write what is on your mind, don't write it in a standard song format.

[Nightvision]

yes, don't write your songs in a manner than has worked in almost all forms of music since the outset of music as a form of expression - only a fool would do that! :rolleyes:

[shadeddakotabassist]

yes, don't write your songs in a manner than has worked in almost all forms of music since the outset of music as a form of expression - only a fool would do that!
funny funny...

An arm gushing blood
one last emotional flood
then i swear it will end
but every insult sticks to me like glue
am i really this see through
(is it sensitivity or is it more)

I know your not aware
but telling you would be a dare

so i'll breath in
control this life
but right now
i'd much pefer a knife


I like the first three lines here. the third is a little cliche, but it still seems to fit, nonetheless. and then the fourth line of the last part is good. something could definitely be made from that.

Chorus
So used
so abused
i need to talk to you
but i'm so afraid
is this how Phycopaths are made?
right now i need to hide
cause no one's left to confide


I don't know here...I almost like the fifth line but...oh bother...I would probably just rewrite the whole chorus...except maybe that fifth line...

i'm so alone
i wish i had reason to use that phone
but no one cares
feels like i'm falling down a million stairs
that never end
please god make this end!

I'm not entirely sure if this is a continuation of the chorus or not. That's a rather moot point, but I figured I'd let you know anyways. "alone...phone" and "cares...stairs" are extremely poor rhymes. There are so many more words out there to express your mind. Try to find them, will you? Oh, and the whole basic idea of being alone and wanting everything to end is far too commonplace.

so used so abused
need to slow things down
cause i'm so confused
this wound will take more than first aid
is this how phyicopaths are made?


Quick time saver here. Scrap everything but the last two lines. The rest is dirt. IMO of course...

i just lost
it's as cold as frost
look at my vains
so dead and blue
bearing a thousand slews


I actually almost like this. Only the first and second line really need improvement. And if I understand your meaning of "slews", excellent job finding a word to rhyme there. Pity it seems a bit forced. But that's quite alright. I think I've decided now... I do like this part.

got to fingers against my head
mabye this world would be better if i was
dead

I'm guessing that's "two" and not "to"...I like that line. Unfortunately, the ending was a letdown.

All in all, this was rather shabby. Put a bit more time and effort into it, and you maybe be able to scrape together a decent song worthy of late night radio (compliment or insult, you decide).

[cliff solos for all]

used or abused

[mosher902]

cheers i'll take this one back to the drawing board (god i hate that sayin)

[September]

have you head cuter without the e by Taking Back Sunday(they suck) because this is an almost Carbon copy. Sorry.

[SpLiT]

man... your other song was better
this one is just.... well i mean i can listen to depressing lyrics but this is too much
some verses are good some are awful , example of one needing improvement :i know ur not aware, tellin you would be a dare

sort of long and dragging, no offense , its all about how you feel
you should either shorten it or lighten it up a little bit, because that many verses of depressing lyrics can get really annoying, and you make it too obvious

4 / 10 ( not really my style, to obvious for me ) keep trying though

[PainKiller8191]

blows