first, polish your shoes (completed)

[kerazay]

Ok this is it now in full version. Be brutal with the crits!

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you want, I'll give you time
Waiting for the day that you'll be mine

I'll say the prayer with you
Everytime you see the light
And I'll make sure I do
When I hold onto you so tight
I'll brush away the hair that covers your eyes
So that I can see them flicker
Open your lips ever so lightly
So that I can hear them whisper

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
if you won't, I'll give it time
Waiting for the day that you are mine

I'll say the prayer for you
And I make sure I do
Everytime I see the light
Cross over your eyes
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you don't, I'll give you time
And wait for the day when you'll be mine

[WhatILivefoR]

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

again, it's the "tickle". But I think you can get away with it if you say it in only one beat.

I'll say the prayer with you
Everytime you see the light
And I'll make sure I do
When I hold onto you so tight
I'll brush away the hair that covers your eyes
So that I can see them flicker
Open your lips ever so lightly
So that I can hear them whisper

Um, I don't like this verse so much as the first one, but it's not bad.
I have really nothing to say about it... Only that I would take out the word "that" in the last line- it flows better without it I think.

I'll say the prayer for you
And I make sure I do
Everytime I see the light
Cross over your eyes
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

I like the meshing of the two verses- they go together nicely. Maybe (as a complete suggestion) you could change the last line to something else- I don't really know... something like:
"It will leave me no chance to say 'I love you'"
That's not very good, and not really what I was thinking... but there you go.

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you don't, I'll give you time
And wait for the day when you'll be mine

I still really like the chorus.

good job. I wish I had more to say!

edit: *wins race*

[kerazay]

lol yay!!! we have a winner!!!

[ABulldog]

Ok this is it now in full version. Be brutal with the crits!

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you want, I'll give you time
Waiting for the day that you'll be mine

I'll say the prayer with you
Everytime you see the light
And I'll make sure I do
When I hold onto you so tight
I'll brush away the hair that covers your eyes
So that I can see them flicker
Open your lips ever so lightly
So that I can hear them whisper

Sorry, I didn't see the completed version, so take from the other one. I like this verse better than the first, but I don't know what saying a prayer has to do with the whole image of holding onto this person and brushing away the hair. The rest is good.

If you fall, I'll flal down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
if you won't, I'll give it time
Waiting for the day that you are mine

I'll say the prayer for you
And I make sure I do
Everytime I see the light
Cross over your eyes
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

I didn't like this either cause it just has differnt parts from each verse and it seems like they were thrown in there.

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you don't, I'll give you time
And wait for the day when you'll be mine

As far as the chorus goes it is one of the best I have seen on here as far as being catchy. All the verses have really good imagery and have really good lines in them, but they just don't seem to stay within the same idea on all of them. I think each verse should have one image and the rest of the verse explaining that image a little more in depth. I am tired so i might not be getting the connection between some of them, but as it stands now, that is how I see it. What I really don't like is the verse/chorus/verse approach that you used. It is a very common style in music, but this song doesn't seem boring and I don't want you to have a boring song that is predictable. Something my band is doing, which is strange to me because I did the whole verse chorus verse, is to do it with this format:

Verse1,
Simple break that would lead into a chorus, but is only used here to break up the monotany of putting two verses together, plus it will intice the listener to listen longer until they hear the chorus,
Verse2,
Chrous: After Verse2 you can do the break again if it leads into the chorus, or just flow right into the chorus from the verse,
Verse3,
Chorus again.

This is just a thought. You could also add a break right after the 1st chorus too. As it stands right now it gets a 7.5/10. Their is a lot in this song to make it a potential hit in my book. It could have everything you need in a song. Catchy chorus, good verses that have imagery, yet aren't too complex to understand the theme of the song. I normally don't comment on the song structure, it is just that I liked this song a lot more than most songs on here. Most songs are o.k. using the verse/chorus/verse, but I just thought there was more potential to this.

If you want to give comments on my song you can see it here, or to look at something similar to the format that I suggested. The song isn't great and needs to have added imagery too it, but any imput is appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=330903

[kerazay]

First of all, thank you for the great crit.

NOW, I'll explain it all! Ever heard the expression "to steal someone's heart?" well i'm sure you have but that's what the first part is referring to. i'm sayin to the person in question that i'm not actually in love with them, but i like them. at the same time i know that it won't last so they can "borrow" my heart as oppose to stealing it. And the fact that she is "careless with my heart' and "drops it" and then "makes me smile by tickling it,' means that it is a fling that means a little bit more to me than her, because she hurts me by being "careless" and other times she can really make me feel good ie tickling my heart.
The second part of the verse goes along with this. The small footprints on the path are the traces of the effect the person had on my heart. But before she did that I wanted her to "polish her shoes," so that the "footprints" weren't dirty... in other words, so that the effect she had on my heart was good and not hurtful. But seeing as it is just a fling at the minute in this verse, the "wind" will blow dust on the tracks so that they will be covered up. literally this means that i'll forget about her, but the tracks are only covered and not totally erased so i won't totally forget about her.

The chorus means basically what it says. I'll do anything that she wants me to do, and this includes waiting for her to decide if she wants to be with me. At this stage in the song it shows that my feelings for her are progressing.

Again in the second verse my feelings for her are progressing and I get the feeling that vice versa isn't applied. The prayer that is being said everytime she sees the light is a metaphor for everytime something bad happens in her life that I'll be there with her, holding onto her so that she doesn't "die."
The hair that covers her eyes makes me feel as though she isn't being totally honest with me because she's diverting her eyes from mine. This is to show what I said above, that she doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for her. The fact that she only whispers to me also makes me believe that because she doesn't voice her feelings for me that loudly means she doesn't feel that strongly for me or else she wouldn't have a problem with it.
The final verse is just a mix of the first and second. I chose those two parts because it shows that even though she did mean a lot to me, in the end up the latter was the truth. That even though I didn't forget her, it was because I never wanted her to hurt me and in the end up she really did. And the footprints she left were covered up but they're still there. I don't mean that I still feel anything for her but she had a huge influence on my heart that won't be forgotten easily.
Can you see the connection now? Hope that makes it easier to understand!

[kerazay]

bump....... come on i explained it and everythin.......

[Bub]

lol you went to all that trouble..
I've read this and can't say anything the other crits already haven't, so I'd just like to back up what ABullDog said about it having a fantastic chorus, it really does. Expect this to appear in a few Msn Messenger names :P

[kerazay]

sweet! except i dont have any msn messenger addy's 4 anyone here!

[Bub]

Whilst we're on the subject, mine's da_bobby@hotmail.com, go ahead and add me if you want. I know I didn't leave you much of a crit, but if you wanna look at my song its here -
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7712350

Cheers!

[kerazay]

thanks, my msn is diverse_personality@hotmail.com
horribly cheesy and sad i know, but ive had it since i was like 13 and i was in the stages of the terrible teen angst lol where "nobody understood me!" :P
i'll crit ur song now!