I Miss You (first song, please crit)

[DisFunctional952]

So whats the point of waking up today
whats the point of doing anything anyway
so whats the point of havin people say
your no good anyway

when evry day ends the same way
finding ways to make an escape
but when i see your smiling face
evrything'll be okay

but i miss you cause you left, yet i cant understand why
mabey we'll meet again someday

now that your gon every day is like a living hell
without you im nothing an empty shell
as my hopes fade
my memories of you fall
this pain has finally numbed but then i think of you


this is my first song ive wrote,and not sure if its done yet thuogh, so please crit.

[kevbud187]

this definately need to be finished..complete your words please for ease of reading....in the fist verse it rhymes with "way" to much

[mosher902]

ok it could be an ok song but the only real problem i see is the chorus
because it starts off ok although it does ryme with "way" alot.

verse is ok bit poppy but is ok

then the chorus comes along and it's a huge dissapointment

the line which i did like was "an empty shell" but i don't like the line before it just give it some work and you'll be suprised what happens.

also i suggest you take a notepad and a pen or pencil with you when you go to school or whatever
just when your walking/on a bus/ or on the underground great ideas will come into your head (works for me) and expecially for a subject of missing somehting i think it would help alot.

sorry for a couple of misspels, i'm dislexic and despraxic.

[llama1600]

So whats the point of waking up today
whats the point of doing anything anyway
so whats the point of havin people say
your no good anyway


that is the beginning of a song that was on Tony Hawks Pro Skater, i believe.
of course the rest might be the rest of the song, either way the first verse is totally plagarized

[DisFunctional952]

i dont realy remember that from that game, havent played that game in years

[Nightvision]

I'd crit this, but I'd feel bad for slating it. Not a good start.

[XtruetildeathX]

What are you? A blink 182 fan?

[nakiwiroda]

thx for stealing this song at least the first stanza completely from Wait...and their album Blue Collar....
Exact same lyrics in the first stanza...so yeah..try something better :mad:

[peaveyrules]

Ya...ummm...plagarizism...isn't cool....find some new original material please....

[JIMIKURTJIMMY]

the 1st verse rhymes too much, and its not really very organized....if you really did steal that from Tony Hawk then your a freakin bum

[ABulldog]

You need to look at these lyrics and see what you are writing about. In the second verse, you say that her smiling face would make you happy, but you never see her. Therefore isn't neccessary to say. Say something like If I could see her smile. Even then it wouldn't be good... plus, people say you plagerized, but these lyrics are pretty generic... and short.

[WeSayNever]

you should choose a rhyme scheme for this song. in EX: abab or abac, and follow it the entire song. start there.

[nakiwiroda]

well can someone plz close the thread as the first stanza is totally stolen from a different song.....as you can see afterwards theres only a bunch of crap coming..so plz if you dont wanna make ppl steal others works close it