The Pledge

[Hadji]

So I finally broke down and wrote a political song...


The Pledge


sit behind a desk dictating with no emotion
Hitler's second cousin with a friendly smile
drag them all forward and line them up
every hour one dies until they see thing your way
another day, another broken glass
accross the forehead of tolerence
honor and dignity have gone out the window
guess who won another purple heart

i pledge complacence to the divided states of the media
one nation taken captive since its conception
with tyranny and violence for some not all
but who really cares?

stand up for your rights while you stomp on others'
doesn't matter as long as you get your way
picket every business with no results
maybe they just need to hear it one more time
slap them in the face if they try to argue
tell them they're incompitant rednecks
it'll all be over once you pull out
your bachelor's degree of science

i pledge complacence to the divided states of the media
one nation taken captive since its conception
with tyranny and violence for some not all
but who really cares?

stand in line
get your ID number
gonna need it for
the rest of your life
when you take the pledge

[Liquid Fantasy]

great theme. did you wanted it to rhyme?if not very good song.8/10

[Hadji]

great theme. did you wanted it to rhyme?if not very good song.8/10
Not really. I guess it's my first non-rhyming song too. Thanks for the rating.

[punkbythebook99]

very good...9/10. check mine out, its called "flames" its sort of the same theme

[IOWNU200]

well, i pretty much always enjoy your work, so i'll give this a look.

sit behind a desk dictating with no emotion
Hitler's second cousin with a friendly smile
drag them all forward and line them up
every hour one dies until they see thing your way
another day, another broken glass
accross the forehead of tolerence
honor and dignity have gone out the window
guess who won another purple heart

Excellent, good use of metaphors, this seems like kind of a new style for you. I really like it though, I can't really argue anything, this was prefection here.
Good flow, content, etc..

i pledge complacence to the divided states of the media
one nation taken captive since its conception
with tyranny and violence for some not all
but who really cares?

The first line was badass, but i don't like the last two lines a whole lot. I think it could be re-worded to get your point across better. Play around with the order of the words a little, see what you can come up with.

stand up for your rights while you stomp on others'
doesn't matter as long as you get your way
picket every business with no results
maybe they just need to hear it one more time
slap them in the face if they try to argue
tell them they're incompitant rednecks
it'll all be over once you pull out
your bachelor's degree of science

I loved your point in the first half of this, but i think the way you executed your example was pretty poor. I would deffinately not suggest using incompitant redneck at all. Try to re-write the second half with something else proving your point.

stand in line
get your ID number
gonna need it for
the rest of your life
when you take the pledge

Nice, I think this is going to be a nice wrap up for the piece. I'd keep this the way it is.

Overall, I really enjoyed it, just clean it up a little in the parts I specified and this should be an excellent song

[Hadji]

Overall, I really enjoyed it, just clean it up a little in the parts I specified and this should be an excellent song
Thanks for the (real) critique. I have a recording of it with just an electric guitar for my band if you want to hear it. Any songs you want me to look at?

[IOWNU200]

i don't really have anything up now, i've been in a terrible block, but yeah, i'd love to hear it

[Hadji]

http://s36.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=33CIGJ87OVDRN2VAHO38RITYJ4

The bass goes rediculously off time, but other than that, that's the basic gist of it. My band actually decided not to play it ever again, but I thought I'd post it here anyways.

[Clear the Skies]

Okay, so if you've seen any of my critiques, you'de know that I'm big on rhythm and flow. Your song, having no rhyme scheme or defineable sentence pattern in the lines, kind of overrides any rhythm or flow that I see.

That's not, however, a bad thing. My personal preferance is for a more structured, rhythmic, piece, but that's just me. As long as the music works with the lyrics, then everything's good.

I do, however, really like your ability to create allusions and images. The referances to Hitler and the lining against the wall all create powerful ideas for the reader/listener. I'm torn on whether I like the chorus or not, mainly because I think the use of the actual pledge (though changed as it is) is kind of gimmicky. I really like the last line, though, "who really cares?" It kind of blows apart the use of the pledge and really hammers the tone and feel of the piece across.

The second verse is actually kind of amusing to me, with the images of people slapping each other in the face and of, "imcompetant rednecks." The last line, "bachelor's degree of science," doesn't really work for me, though, because it seems forced and out of character with the rest of the song. I do really like the final stanza, because at least to me, it sounds like it's going to be spoken, no sung, at the conclusion of the song, as sort of a fading thought. It wraps up the song well.

I give the song a 8/10. Nice work, and I hope to see more of your stuff in the future. Thanks for the crit, too. :)

[Daven]

7.5/10

[Hadji]

7.5/10
Thanks for letting me know what to work on.

[metaliq]

You will recieve a very decent critique from me very soon. Very sorry for my latency.

F u schedule!!!! :'(

[Hadji]

You will recieve a very decent critique from me very soon. Very sorry for my latency.

F u schedule!!!! :'(
Thanks man. If you could though, could you crit this one instead?

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=334328

[soapiee]

i like it...a lot im not too big a fan of the whole political stuff, but its well written