first, polish your shoes

[kerazay]

Right guys this is my first post in a long, long time. So be brutal with your crits. So far I've got a verse and a chorus so if you have any suggestions for a second let me know.

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you want, I'll give you time
Waiting for the day that you'll be mine

SO THAT'S IT. HONEST CRITS GUYS!

[Steel Sun]

swish

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow, Dam*n that was really good. But is it just me or are alot of these songs recentally getting shorter. Other than being short, this song really just made me have to stand up and applaude you . Nice job and keep up the good work. I would give you the THIRDEYE'S VERDICT AWARD today, but your song just should have been a little longer. I really saw nothing wrong with it though. Nice. 8.9/10. :thumb:

Also please remember to vote in the S&L Hall Of Fame. Thanks. (that will be my crit back.)

[kerazay]

ha ha ok thirdeye
thanks for the crit but the thing about the song being short is that i don't have a second verse yet but when i have it all finished i'll post the complete song on the fourm

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Oh ok. When you post that song, I'll be one of the first to crit it, because this one was awsome. :thumb: Hope it comes soon.

[WhatILivefoR]

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile
You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

The only big thing that stuck out to me about disrupting the flow was the word "tickle". I really like the title- that's why I came to look at this in the first place!
I like how you used the title idea of polishing shoes in the verse- I had no idea what this was going to be about from the title. (I like that.)

If you fall, I'll fall down with you
If you ask, I'll gladly kiss you
If you want, I'll give you time
Waiting for the day that you'll be mine

This is really well structured as a chorus. The three cause-and-effect lines, with a closing statement about the future.
Really well done. 8.6/10 Continue writing- I'm gonna race thirdeye to critique it first!!

thirdeye, you're on... *fast techno car-race music starts playing*


How was that for brutal?? :)

[kerazay]

that was good and i liked that a lot!

[ABulldog]

I thought the chorus was really good. It could stand out in a song and become really catchy. The part I don't like is, that in the verse, not everyline seems to fit with the lines that are before it. Like this.

My heart isn't yours to steal
But I'll let you borrow it for a while
Sometimes you're careless and you drop it
But then you tickle it and make me smile

This seems like a different topic than the previous one.

You're leaving small footprints on the path
But first, polish your shoes
The wind will blow dust over on the track
It will leave no traces and no hidden clues

Is the track refering to a track on around a football field, or is a track on a CD? I think all the ideas are great, but they don't all go together in the same verse.