The Dead Will Follow(unfinished)

[James Van Halen]

Hey,

This is a song I wrote a couple weeks ago about a dream I had. In the dream i'm having visions of appocalypse, and these voices keep telling me that the more people that die, the more that will stand against mankind. It was kinda freaky, but I decided to make a song out of it. Some of it describes the setting. It isn't finished, but i'm kind of proud of what I have so far.
CONSTRUCTIVE Criticism, please. No "You suck" crits.

Crimson leaves sway through the night's wind
While wicked voices haunt my every thought
Testing my patience, provoking my anger
With blasphemies towards my very reason for living

Bright patterns of a frosted sunset fill my mind
With visions of the dead gone unanswered
Their agonizing screams send chills down my spine
Claiming the king of the undead their Master

Whispering voices begin to chant
Peircing my mind, consuming with sorrow
My thoughts are begining to fill with fear
The chant grows louder
The Dead Will Follow

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hey, well that is a very weird dream to be having.

About the song, the flow seems to be a little off. I try to imagine this to music, but the flow seems to be off. Now I know you said it was not finished. To finish it you may want to try to put one of these verses as a chorus. I think that the second verse may be good. Other than that, I think that you expressed your dream pretty well. So keep it up and with that chorus you should be good. In the end it will pretty much be the music that decides if it will be great or not. Nice work. 8/10. :thumb:

Please vote in the S&L Hall of Fame. Thanks. :thumb:

[James Van Halen]

Actually, that third verse will probably be a chorus. The song is supposed to be with death metal type music, it would be "growled" so I wasn't that concerned with rhyming or rythym. Not really death metal, more similar to Opeth type stuff.
Thanks for the input.

[James Van Halen]

Bump.
Please crit.

[XtruetildeathX]

Finish it, then ask, don't post unfinished songs and writings.

[Nightvision]

OBEY the 20-post n00b, he clearly owns and runs the place. :rolleyes:

[burton.and.gas]

you suck! ahahahahaha! nah i'll crit really.

i definitely go along with the idea that the third verse should be a chorus. but yo usay this is a death metal song? i think they can work without choruses but its up to you. if you do have a chorus make it that verse, but i think it makes a good ending verse. overall the song has no form or structure to speak of that i can really find. but it is a death metal song, so tah tis not necessary. the imagery is a little clichéd but still clever. 7/10 im sure you could make it an 8/10 with work

[James Van Halen]

Ok, thanks.

[ABulldog]

Dude! Voices are telling you what now?




If you want therapy I can recommend someone.




Actually, it's kinda cool. Well done. my only comment is that the word crimson; is used way too much nowadays is kinda cliche. I have like 4 songs with that word myself.

[James Van Halen]

Oh, really? I didn't know that, actually. "Red" just sounded stupid to me. Plus, it didn't really fill the line. I didn't think of it, to be honest, crimson just kinda came naturally.