Dampened Wings

[Bub]

Hey, this is a song I've written which I'm quite proud of. Well, its the one I think will first be turned into a song, so, if anyone come comment and tell em what need simproving I'll be really grateful!
Its like an upbeat sort of acoustic Extreme-style (the band) song at the start, and gets a bit more power ballad/metal towards the lines in the <> markers. Those markers could also signify solos...can't go wrong with a solo. I realise there are quite a few words here...at least 6, but this may turn out to be 6 or 7 minutes long.
Anyway, here it is..Dampened Wings

-----------------------------------
The yielding berzerker dies,
He knows he's been defeated,
Yet the limbless athlete tries,
burning determination
The adamant resign - no prayer
from this world of hate,
But the stronger, know the care
So why accept that fate?

Cos no-one flies on dampened wings,
We can't escape the water
Can't take them to the air above,
Leave them to get wetter,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the conrete morter,
Build foundations below
Don't leave them to get weaker

Standing to unfleeting force,
falling to that of none,
sometimes stronger lose their course,
when all we need is one
A flicker of light is all I need,
I'll never let it go
Yet the fiery sun shall free
And its light will show..

That no-one's blind by blazing light
Darkness can't prevail
Strike them down, a feathered fight,
They can try but they will fail,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the burning candle,
Light the fire and free the ones
That evil can not handle

No-one cries in open arms,
Surrounded by compassion,
The soothing sounds that keep us calm,
Our private excorscism
You wont die without a thought,
We'll fight to keep you here
Justice quick to be bought
Wars will wage to keep you near

No-ones fights an empty heart
No-one cares to tear apart
We all found a way to fly
Discovering there was no lie
Can't you fly with dampened wings?
Just escape the water!
You wont be blinded by light
Force the dark to falter!
Do not cry in open arms
Hate which cannot alter!
Cannot alter meeeee!

<>

And when time is wearing thin
Summon he, cleanser of sin
COs you can't run when the tide comes in
Circle me, Oh protector
enveloped in your holy cincture
Let them not harvest life's gather
Never throw us awaaaaay

Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, Free the father
Faaaatherrr! No more lies!

Hazen disciples no more
Trickery unto no law
Burden them not to the floor
Followers, friends of these
Soak them not to enemies
Dont them let go for they are freeeeee

Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, take the water
Faatheer, drown their wings!

<>

No-one flies on dampened wings
We can't escape the water
---------------------------------------

Woohoo, over. Congrats!
Yeah, so comments again would be greatly appreciated, even "christ you suck". Might give me a use for that knife I bought :evil:

[James Van Halen]

I like it. I don't really have any idea what it means, but It could easily make a black metal type song.
Are you a christian? I thought I caught a couple refrences in there.

[Bub]

I can see how you translated that into black metal, but it isn't. At all. :P
lol if you've by any chance heard "Hole Hearted" by Extreme, which I (HOLELLY!) recommend (I'm going to hell for that joke) it follows the lines of that to start with, then a kind of Judas Priest style heavy metal mid-ending (<> to <>) or even Iced Earth
And whilst I'm not myself a Christian, a lot of my friends are, and..how do I say this without sounding retarded...I believe in God, so it is about Him, but I don't believe in what the Bible says (about no matter how good you are, you can only get to Heaven if you believe in Him, in particular)
Its about that - if you're a good person (the "light" references) and you come under hardships (dampened wings) and you do perhaps turn away from God, then you should still be allowed to go to Heaven for being a good person, right? (Father, never throw us away)

Yeah so summary - its a 15 year old's attempt to be deep. :D

[WhatILivefoR]

I really like this.
I like your imagery, I like your structure, and I like how the rhyming is completely fluid and natural. (The only thing I don't agree with is your point of view- being a Christian myself. But, that's not what this forum is for.)
Interestingly enough- My latest song is in sort of the same style as this- starts of slower and acoustic-y with whispered lyrics, growing to more and more (and more!) intense tone (melodic metal) towards the middle, and then back to whispering again. And it will also be a long song. Possibly even ten minutes. Depends, of course, how it all comes together.
And, I've also had about 50 views with only one critique.
Thought that was interesting.

Anyways, I really do like this peice over all, I would give a full critique, but I don't have anything to change! 8.9/10

(mine is called Time Expelling Time (I Cannot Live Without My Heart) if you want to critique it...?)

[Clear the Skies]

While I usually do a stanza-by-stanza crit of everyone's song, I'm just going to give you the basic comments I have on it because, well, it's really freakin' long. I'll give you a thourough crit, nevertheless, though, don't worry. :)

I actually really like this piece, something I don't say very often. While the rhyme scheme is inconsistent, I think you have an excellent understanding of flow and rhythm, and how to keep things working in the context of music. While a lot of lyricists here write good poetry, a lot of the times the stuff won't work well in a song. What you've made here is very...precise, I guess. Every line fits with the lines before and after it, and nothing sound out of place or forced.

In particular, I liked the stanza...

No-ones fights an empty heart
No-one cares to tear apart
We all found a way to fly
Discovering there was no lie
Can't you fly with dampened wings?
Just escape the water!
You wont be blinded by light
Force the dark to falter!
Do not cry in open arms
Hate which cannot alter!
Cannot alter meeeee!

...The rhymes, the structure, and the reptition in the last two lines all work together to create a very imaginative and well-written stanza.

In the second half of the song, these two stanza stand out, for me...

And when time is wearing thin
Summon he, cleanser of sin
COs you can't run when the tide comes in
Circle me, Oh protector
enveloped in your holy cincture
Let them not harvest life's gather
Never throw us awaaaaay

...and...


Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, take the water
Faatheer, drown their wings!

There's a lot of emotion put into the song, and I really like the religious imagery. I'm not a Christian, and don't believe in God, but putting religious allusions into a song (without being overbearing about it) gives the song a sense of grandeur and power it might not otherwise have.

Overall, I really, really like this song, and give it a 9/10. It's fairly unconventional as far as rhyming and structure goes, but you pull it off very well. This, to me, is one of those songs that borders between poetry and contemporary song-writing, which makes it much deeper than, say, what you hear on the radio, but at the same time leaves room enough for it to be sung in a contemporary piece of music. Very well done, I look forward to more of your work in the future. :)

[Bub]

Wow thanks guys, I'm pleased with what you said and even pointed stuff out I hadn't seen!
Haha WhatILiveFor, I was one of those viewers! I saw how long it was, read a verse or two, and was called away, I thought it was great though! *goes to his post to do a full critique*

[kerazay]

i thought you said this got no crits?! haha i'll crit it later, i havent time at the minute... but i'm jus leavin this to show you that i will do it!

[MidnightHysteria]

I'm with kerazay... I need to go through this stanza by stanza, but I don't have time now, so consider this a black-dotting.

[kerazay]

Even before I start my crit, I just have to say that this is WAY. TOO. LONG. Six or Seven minutes? Not a lot of songs can hold anyone's attention for that length of time... make it short and snappy... or short and sweet, whichever phrase you want to use!

-----------------------------------
The yielding berzerker dies,
He knows he's been defeated,
Yet the limbless athlete tries,
burning determination
The adamant resign - no prayer
from this world of hate,
But the stronger, know the care
So why accept that fate?

This has some good imagery and it was ok. I dont get the second last line "but the stronger, know the care." It doesn't seem to make sense? I like the whole thing about the limbless athlete-very good.

Cos no-one flies on dampened wings,
We can't escape the water
Can't take them to the air above,
Leave them to get wetter,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the conrete morter,
Build foundations below
Don't leave them to get weaker


This was really good. Keep this part in acoustic.

Standing to unfleeting force,
falling to that of none,
sometimes stronger lose their course,
when all we need is one
A flicker of light is all I need,
I'll never let it go
Yet the fiery sun shall free
And its light will show..

"When all we need is one..." One what?! The flow in this is good but it's like the first verse, that line just seems stuck in there for the sake of rhyming.

That no-one's blind by blazing light
Darkness can't prevail
Strike them down, a feathered fight,
They can try but they will fail,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the burning candle,
Light the fire and free the ones
That evil can not handle


I wouldn't change anything about this... but maybe have the tempo increasing ever so slightly here...

No-one cries in open arms,
Surrounded by compassion,
The soothing sounds that keep us calm,
Our private excorscism
You wont die without a thought,
We'll fight to keep you here
Justice quick to be bought
Wars will wage to keep you near

... and break into something more heavy here. Keeping with the slightly increased speed, maybe bring in a second guitar on light distortion with some power chords. I loved all of this except "our private exorcism." personally for me it just killed the mood.

No-ones fights an empty heart
No-one cares to tear apart
We all found a way to fly
Discovering there was no lie
Can't you fly with dampened wings?
Just escape the water!
You wont be blinded by light
Force the dark to falter!
Do not cry in open arms
Hate which cannot alter!
Cannot alter meeeee!

Ah, I liked the change in the first part of this... a different rhyme scheme can always be used to alter the key and the tone of the song-well for me anyway. That's what I normally do with them. Maybe a nice riff over the power chords-in my mind I picture the accoustic not playing this part at all, and just some heavy-but still slower-drum beats, like hitting the toms and the cymbals only, and not the snare. But then you take away the rhyme scheme-WHY?! It was so perfect and then it just stopped abruptly. If I were you I'd find a way to change that because that could easily be the stand out part of your song that everyone sings.

<>

](1)[/B] And when time is wearing thin
Summon he, cleanser of sin
COs you can't run when the tide comes in
Circle me, Oh protector
enveloped in your holy cincture
Let them not harvest life's gather
Never throw us awaaaaay


(2) Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, Free the father
Faaaatherrr! No more lies!

(3)Hazen disciples no more
Trickery unto no law
Burden them not to the floor
Followers, friends of these
Soak them not to enemies
Dont them let go for they are freeeeee

(2)Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, take the water
Faatheer, drown their wings!

I'm going to crit these parts together.(1) What the hell is this?! Sorry i didn't mean that to sound rude, it's jus the first thing that came into my head. There's no need for all this "holy protector stuff." It jus messes up the rest of it. This is a verse that I would cut out completely.
(2)Well... I can see where you're going here if you're keeping to your heavy metal thing... and if that's what you want to do with it then fine. But if it were me I'd take this out too... the whole song seems better as just a softer piece, but then again it's not my song and therefore not up to me!
(3)This part was better, in my opinion. I just can't find the words to say how-sorry, what a useless bit of information there from me-but it just was.

<>

No-one flies on dampened wings
We can't escape the water
---------------------------------------

I think that the first part of the song (before the <>) markers is the best. I'd cut out the last few parts of it cos it is TOOOOO long and it could put people off
a) reading these lyrics while they're posted here
b)actually listening to the song
Well that's my honest crits there. Sorry if they were no help but it was a favour to be returned!

[MidnightHysteria]

The yielding berzerker dies,
He knows he's been defeated,
Yet the limbless athlete tries,
burning determination
The adamant resign - no prayer
from this world of hate,
But the stronger, know the care
So why accept that fate?
Interesting placement of rhyme here... pretty good vocabulary too. These make up for the bland content and make me want to read on.

Cos no-one flies on dampened wings,
We can't escape the water
Can't take them to the air above,
Leave them to get wetter,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the conrete morter,
Build foundations below
Don't leave them to get weaker
The flow here seems very... off to me. I don't get it.

Standing to unfleeting force,
falling to that of none,
sometimes stronger lose their course,
when all we need is one
A flicker of light is all I need,
I'll never let it go
Yet the fiery sun shall free
And its light will show..
I've read this stanza many times, yet I can't seem to make sense of the first 6 lines. However, the last 2 are pretty cool.

That no-one's blind by blazing light
Darkness can't prevail
Strike them down, a feathered fight,
They can try but they will fail,
No-one can achieve great things
Without the burning candle,
Light the fire and free the ones
That evil can not handle
I feel like the 2nd and 4th lines here are completely unnecessary except to fill out the rhyme scheme. I'm not really a fan of that.

No-one cries in open arms,
Surrounded by compassion,
The soothing sounds that keep us calm,
Our private excorscism
You wont die without a thought,
We'll fight to keep you here
Justice quick to be bought
Wars will wage to keep you near
Again, I've read this multiple times yet can't make sense of some of it. Especially the 1st 5th and 8th lines.

No-ones fights an empty heart
No-one cares to tear apart
We all found a way to fly
Discovering there was no lie
Can't you fly with dampened wings?
Just escape the water!
You wont be blinded by light
Force the dark to falter!
Do not cry in open arms
Hate which cannot alter!
Cannot alter meeeee!
I don't have a problem with long songs, but this really seems like a good place to end IMO.

And when time is wearing thin
Summon he, cleanser of sin
COs you can't run when the tide comes in
Circle me, Oh protector
enveloped in your holy cincture
Let them not harvest life's gather
Never throw us awaaaaay
Whoa. Drastic change of tone. Suddenly, it seems you've gotten religious. Going along with what I said with the previous stanza, this might be good as a different song.

Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, Free the father
Faaaatherrr! No more lies!
I'm sorry man, but this just seems goofy to me. Take it out.

Hazen disciples no more
Trickery unto no law
Burden them not to the floor
Followers, friends of these
Soak them not to enemies
Dont them let go for they are freeeeee
What are you saying? This is the third stanza in the piece where I have no idea what you mean, but I can guarantee you it's not what you're saying.

Sentinel, shield our witness
Guardian, take it home!
Advocate, take the water
Faatheer, drown their wings!
This is almost as goofy as the first stanza with this structure. If you take out the other one, leave this in to be clever.

No-one flies on dampened wings
We can't escape the water
This is a good recapitulation. Not really much for me to say here.

overall: you have some great lines, and some decent content, but there's a lot of filler in here. If you don't mind not-rhyming, I bet you can streamline this town to a much better piece. As it is, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense or seems forced. 4½/10.

[Bub]

Ok, cool, thanks. I'm not 100% ready to say all the bits you have pointed out are filler, I feel they do help the idea move on and flow, but I see what you mean at some times.

heh kerazay, 6 or 7 minutes is WAY. TOO. LONG, i can see you're unfamiliar with the ways of metal :P

[Bub]

Ok, cool, thanks. I'm not 100% ready to say all the bits you have pointed out are filler, I feel they do help the idea move on and flow, but I see what you mean at some times.

heh kerazay, 6 or 7 minutes is WAY. TOO. LONG, i can see you're unfamiliar with the ways of metal :P

[Bub]

Ok, cool, thanks. I'm not 100% ready to say all the bits you have pointed out are filler, I feel they do help the idea move on and flow, but I see what you mean at some times.

heh kerazay, 6 or 7 minutes is WAY. TOO. LONG, i can see you're unfamiliar with the ways of metal :P

[the_shadow_rose]

i dint understand a single bit but i still like your song. very nice. sounds nice and intellectual.
you spelt mortar wrong, btw. :P

[the_shadow_rose]

dint understand a single bit but amazing anyway. sounds...erm... nice and intellectual.
u spelt mortar wrong, btw. :P