Kings And Queens

[sparkylp2002]

Ok im back again. First new piece i have wrote in a while, been in writers block as of late. I think this piece is pretty good just needs some work still on it and thats where you guys come in. Like usual crit harsly please. Crit for a crit just please leave a link or a song title.

Kings and Queens

Here is a story
For the best poets book
When one becomes two
The perfect painting
Ripped by
Dead ends
Crippled hands

Chorus: Let’s pretend we are king and queen
In this childhood fantasy
Of princes and thieves
Were everything
Is our taking
Except what matters most

Two halves
Floating in the stirring wind
Dime to nickel
With one burning desire
But we lie
To make up a truth

Chorus

Rammed together
Like speeding trains
A head on collision
To mend
This broken dream

And now where stuck
But it’s all fake
An act designed
To fool
The best critics

Chorus (maybe not sure yet)

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Kings and Queens

Here is a story
For the best poets book
When one becomes two
The perfect painting
Ripped by
Dead ends
Crippled hands

(Ok, first off nice to see you back on here, Sparky. This first verse seems to start out and sound, to me, like alot of your other songs. I do like the first two lines of this. It's very creative. But I think that the last three lines kind of kill this verse.)

Chorus: Let’s pretend we are king and queen
In this childhood fantasy
Of princes and thieves
Were everything
Is our taking
Except what matters most

(This is an ok chorus. I'm not exactly sure what's trying to be said here, but you dont always have to know. It sounds kind of corny, but it's not bad. There seems to be something wrong here but I'm not sure what.)

Two halves
Floating in the stirring wind
Dime to nickel
With one burning desire
But we lie
To make up a truth

(I like this verse. The only bad thing about it, is that it doesnt seem to flow well. I like how you wrote this whole verse though. It's a strong message. Nice job.)

Chorus

Rammed together
Like speeding trains
A head on collision
To mend
This broken dream

(Ok, this verse seems a little short for some reason. I like how this verse flows but it seems to bland for me. Not sure why.)

And now where stuck
But it’s all fake
An act designed
To fool
The best critics

(Again, this last verse sounds to much like your other stuff. Also this last verse doesnt seem to be written as well as all the others in here.)

Chorus (maybe not sure yet)

(Yes you are going to what that chrous.)


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT:
This was not one of your best songs. I liked what you were trying to say but the flow seemed to be off, and it sounded alot like your other songs. All in all it was ok. 7.8/10. :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks thirdeye, i preciate it. In case your wondering the music i was thinking about putting to this is similar to that Say Hi to Your Mom song "lets talk about spaceships"

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Really! Ok now I change your score to a 8.5/10!. I can actually see it going to that. :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

bump

[IOWNU200]

Nice to see a piece of yours again, here we go:

Here is a story
For the best poets book
When one becomes two
The perfect painting
Ripped by
Dead ends
Crippled hands

Eh, it seems like there's something wrong with this. The thoughts seem almost incomplete. The lines get too short at the end of the stanza i think. The last crippled hands line seems really gramatically incorrect. Try and play around with this a little, you've got a good idea though.

Chorus: Let’s pretend we are king and queen
In this childhood fantasy
Of princes and thieves
Were everything
Is our taking
Except what matters most

I'm just really confused by the way you worded this whole song. This stanza is just one big run on. You should get back into these stanzas and play around with them so they connect a little better. Your sentence structures are weak.

Two halves
Floating in the stirring wind
Dime to nickel
With one burning desire
But we lie
To make up a truth

This stanza looked alot better. It was much easier to read. I don't really have much to poke at for this part, good job here.

Rammed together
Like speeding trains
A head on collision
To mend
This broken dream

Eh, the flow seems a little off here, and once again i'm a little confused. You lack propper sentence structure again.

And now where stuck
But it’s all fake
An act designed
To fool
The best critics

I like this. This is probably my favorite stanza of the piece.

Overall I wasn't a huge fan of this. The sentences were off structurely and this could use alot of rewording and switching around. It's time to get to work :)

[WhatILivefoR]

I purposely didn't read either of the other crits, so that I wouldn't be biased...
so if any of this was said already, my apologies.

Here is a story
For the best poets book
When one becomes two
The perfect painting
Ripped by
Dead ends
Crippled hands

This makes almost no sense to me... It started out really cool- but "Ripped by/ Dead ends/ Crippled hands" doesn't fit very well for me. I don't know. Weird structure. I'll keep reading.

Chorus: Let’s pretend we are king and queen
In this childhood fantasy
Of princes and thieves
Were everything
Is our taking
Except what matters most

Again, I really like the start, but the end line seems thrown in there. And for a chorus, I think you want to have it all flow together and fit together.
"Were" should be "Where".

Two halves
Floating in the stirring wind
Dime to nickel
With one burning desire
But we lie
To make up a truth

Okay, at least what you are doing is constant- Having the negative comment at the end of every stanza. Maybe you like it the way it is- It just doesn't click for me I guess. Especially- for me- when you aren't really explaining what you are talking about. I can tell now that it's about a relationship built on lies to keep it together- but I think you should explain that more- go into more depth maybe. It's not bad though.

Rammed together
Like speeding trains
A head on collision
To mend
This broken dream

This was a little lame, I have to say. Lame seems a bit too harsh for what I am trying to say- but I'm at a loss for another word, sorry. I like "Rammed together/ Like speeding trains", but "To mend/ This broken dream" could be written better I think. It also seems shorter than the other verses.

And now where stuck
But it’s all fake
An act designed
To fool
The best critics

This is better than the other verses I think. I like the last three lines the most though. By the way: "where" should be "we're".
I think what I don't like is the bluntness of the whole peice. It could work- depending on the music that you put this to.
It's just not my cup of tea I guess. With some work- this could be better.
You have good ideas going though. I like the title.


mine is: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=332266
if you want to check it out...

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crits I appreciate it.
I will get to Your piece WhatIlivefor tomarrow hopefully.