untitled as of now crit for crit

[boyhendoghdy]

ok, i got rid of the other thing on here, and here is the version that i revised the heck out of, there is a chorus and an added verse in the new version, and i also meshed together the 8 verses in 4 bigger ones, so year, please crit, if you crit me i will crit you

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i made it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave

[Clear the Skies]

This is my first crit, so I'll do my best.

i just tried to make things better
ultimately i just made them fall apart
what we had once was beautiful
and now i look back in pain

Using, "ultimately," might make it hard to sing, it seems to throw the rythm of the line off a little bit. Of course, it all depends on the singer, if they can fit it in well, but that's something I noticed. Otherwise, not bad, though the lack of rhyme could make it somewhat awkward, but that is entirely dependant on the song and whether or not the song actually calls for the rhyme.

i see others trying to get
what we used to have
what we had at one time was great
and i think it still should be

The lines, "what we used to have," and, "what we had at one time was great," seem to clash a little. It's most likely because of the double use of, "what we." I'd change the third line somehow, keeping the same message, but finding something that flows a little more fluidly. Otherwise, not bad.

i look at them in pity
that not once they felt like me
but then again it won't last
to see a brighter day

In my opinion, stronger than the other verses, something about this one flows a little better. "Day," and, "me," aren't rhymes, but go well in place of a definite rhyme, so it seems to create a more structured, flowing passage.

i think to myslef
boy it used to be great
now she looks at me with disgust
what happened to me being happy

As my personal preferance, I'd get rid of the word, "boy." It seems to clash with the sombre mood of the song. The line, "what happened to me being happy," might be too long, once again making it hard on the singer. I'd shorten it to, "what happened to being happy," it conveys the same message, but keeps the flow going better. Similarily, you could try to shorten, "now she looks at me with disgust," to keep the rythm going, but I may be thinking of a completely different pulse than you, so this is all variable, heh.

just try to look on the bright side
no more unhappyness
and as the sory always goes
things will get better sometime

One of your stronger verses, in my opinion. My only suggestion would be to change, "just try to look on the bright side," to, "but try to see the brighter side." It's a minor change, but the use of the word, "but," gives it a better transition from the previous verses. Also, getting rid of, "look on," keeps the line flowing and moving. Too many words can clutter a song.

try to end your story on a happy note
otherwise i don't know
and as always in the end
everything should be ok

Not bad for an ending, and again, one of your strongest verses. The use of, "note," and, "know," works well, to me, because, as before, it's sort of an indirect rhyme, which gives the lyrics a pattern without sounding forced. The rythm works well in this verse, probably the best out of any of them.

So, overall, besides my specific suggestions, I'd say keep things a little more smooth and connected, sometimes too many words can disrupt the song's natural rythm. Other than that, not bad, a little cliche, but at least you put the uplifting ending, as opposed to the usual *insertslashywristemoticon.*

6.5-7/10

And here's my song, I'd love a crit when you get a chance. :)
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=327556

[boyhendoghdy]

thanks for yor advice, it really helped, i'll be sure to crit your song right now

[SeasonOfTheMad]

meh, im not gonna lie i didnt like it. i couldnt feel any flow (although thats just because it didnt really have a rhyme scheme,) and the lyrics were too emo for me. Ill admit im prejudiced against it just because its lamenting over a girl/broken relationship, and thats all lyrics seem to be about nowadays. 3/10.

just my opinion though, no offense intended.

[boyhendoghdy]

meh, im not gonna lie i didnt like it. i couldnt feel any flow (although thats just because it didnt really have a rhyme scheme,) and the lyrics were too emo for me. Ill admit im prejudiced against it just because its lamenting over a girl/broken relationship, and thats all lyrics seem to be about nowadays. 3/10.

just my opinion though, no offense intended.

ok, thanks, i am working on a rhyme scheme as we speak actually, i'll post it when i'm done

[SeasonOfTheMad]

i dont know what you mean by working on a rhyme scheme, i just mean i always think songs read better, at least on paper, when they rhyme. otherwise its hard to judge the words, as "song" lyrics, by themselves you know?

[Big Sheld]

Pretty good song, something we can relate to easy..

But hmm I don't like the ending (no I'm not emo, it just seems a little cheesey to me atm). I think the positive ending just doesn't quite fit well with the rest...like it needs more of a transaction to explain it...but maybe the music does that for you..

And as Clear The Skies said, changing just a few words here and there could improve it a lot.


btw, would be cool if you could crit mine - http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=327847

[priggy]

i liked it but i didnt think it was great - mainly coz i think this broken heart song as been done too much.

i just tried to make things better
ultimately i just made them fall apart
what we had once was beautiful
and now i look back in pain

you dont need the word "just" in there and also "once" as you dont need to tell the listener/reader that. The word "and" is just unneccessary, putting now at the beginning will emphasise it more.

i see others trying to get
what we used to have
what we had at one time was great
and i think it still should be

Dont need the "at one time" as that is easily picked up and could possibly change that line.

i look at them in pity
that not once they felt like me
but then again it won't last
to see a brighter day

The line "that not once they felt like me" needs to change slightly coz it doesn't feel right to me. i really like the last 2 lines possibly you should get rid of the "but" at the beginning of the line.

i think to myself
boy it used to be great
now she looks at me with disgust
what happened to me being happy

I think the word "disgust" needs to change as it doesn't feel right

just try to look on the bright side
no more unhappyness
and as the story always goes
things will get better sometime

Again no need for the "just" but otherwise that verse is great.


try to end your story on a happy note
otherwise i don't know
and as always in the end
everything should be ok

Again no need for the "and" at the beginning of the line. Maybe at the end you should have a rhyming couplet to make it stand out. otherwise i think it is great

I'm sorry that i approached this like an unseen textual analysis and as you can probably tell i suck at english.
If you could possibly crit mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=328126

[boyhendoghdy]

i liked it but i didnt think it was great - mainly coz i think this broken heart song as been done too much.

i just tried to make things better
ultimately i just made them fall apart
what we had once was beautiful
and now i look back in pain

you dont need the word "just" in there and also "once" as you dont need to tell the listener/reader that. The word "and" is just unneccessary, putting now at the beginning will emphasise it more.

i see others trying to get
what we used to have
what we had at one time was great
and i think it still should be

Dont need the "at one time" as that is easily picked up and could possibly change that line.

i look at them in pity
that not once they felt like me
but then again it won't last
to see a brighter day

The line "that not once they felt like me" needs to change slightly coz it doesn't feel right to me. i really like the last 2 lines possibly you should get rid of the "but" at the beginning of the line.

i think to myself
boy it used to be great
now she looks at me with disgust
what happened to me being happy

I think the word "disgust" needs to change as it doesn't feel right

just try to look on the bright side
no more unhappyness
and as the story always goes
things will get better sometime

Again no need for the "just" but otherwise that verse is great.


try to end your story on a happy note
otherwise i don't know
and as always in the end
everything should be ok

Again no need for the "and" at the beginning of the line. Maybe at the end you should have a rhyming couplet to make it stand out. otherwise i think it is great

I'm sorry that i approached this like an unseen textual analysis and as you can probably tell i suck at english.
If you could possibly crit mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=328126

Thanks alot, that really helped, i finished revising the song, and now i just have to find it then retype it, but yeah, you helped me so much, i'll crit yuors right now

[boyhendoghdy]

ok, i revised the song alot and added a chorus and an extra verse, so here it is
~~~

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i made it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave

~~~
ok, so i cleaned it up a little bit, and added some rhyming in attempt to make it flow better, so please crit this newer version, remember crit for crit

[Permanent Solution]

Glad I read this all the way through or I would have missed this. For future reference, it's easier to edit your original post and then people don't miss the edited version you put in :)

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i mad it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see
---Those last two lines are phrased akwardly and it seems like you're trying to force in a rhyme to make it flow, but in turn the flow of the content is disrupted. I'd also suggest more imagery and stronger diction.

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave
---Hmm...somewhere I lose the flow, but I can't figure out where, I'd fiddle with it a little still.

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late
---It sued to be great? Is that a typo or am I missing the meaning? Try to also stick to a rhyme scheme that you maintain in each verse, doing it haphazardly can work alright, but if you're just starting out it's very challenging to get it right.

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime
---3rd verse, 3rd rhyme scheme. Same suggestions here as elsewhere otherwise.

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day
---Don't talk about the end of your song until it is the end. You still have your coda so it doesn't work well. Too much talk about ending when you aren't there, and repeating the same word literally every other line isn't a plus either.

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave
---Eh, change more than one line when you do something like this, it closes the piece better.

[boyhendoghdy]

Glad I read this all the way through or I would have missed this. For future reference, it's easier to edit your original post and then people don't miss the edited version you put in :)

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i mad it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see
---Those last two lines are phrased akwardly and it seems like you're trying to force in a rhyme to make it flow, but in turn the flow of the content is disrupted. I'd also suggest more imagery and stronger diction.

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave
---Hmm...somewhere I lose the flow, but I can't figure out where, I'd fiddle with it a little still.

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late
---It sued to be great? Is that a typo or am I missing the meaning? Try to also stick to a rhyme scheme that you maintain in each verse, doing it haphazardly can work alright, but if you're just starting out it's very challenging to get it right.

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime
---3rd verse, 3rd rhyme scheme. Same suggestions here as elsewhere otherwise.

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day
---Don't talk about the end of your song until it is the end. You still have your coda so it doesn't work well. Too much talk about ending when you aren't there, and repeating the same word literally every other line isn't a plus either.

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave
---Eh, change more than one line when you do something like this, it closes the piece better.

ok, i'll fiddle with it for a while longer, thanks for your suggestions

[priggy]

I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i made it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see
this is a good verse apart from the last 2 lines maybe the last line should be - i think you still see that. The only other thing i would change in this verse is the word "get" (i don't like the word) perhaps it should be something like achieve

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave
i like the rhyme in this verse but that second line just doesn't seem to fit and perhaps you should rephrase "must get over it" it doesnt feel right and i think there is a better way to phrase it.

I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myself
It used to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What happened why are you late
the last line doesn't go for me esp. the last part "why are you late". i liked in the last version "But then again it won't last/to see a brighter day" and would like the second line in there - help it to flow better. coz in this version you've changed too quickly for me to the point i go what's going on here

(Chorus)

As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime
the 3rd line in this verse i think isn't neccessary, of course without the 4th line doesn't need to be there other than that it is fine

(Chorus)

Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all end up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day
you don't need the "really just" in there and without it i htink it flows better - i think this would be better as the end

Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave
i think this would do better earlier in the song - im slowly coming round to that 2nd line

[islamicbob5342]

Who'd you steal this one from?

[boyhendoghdy]

Who'd you steal this one from?

definitly mine, if i would have stolen it it would have been better

[boyhendoghdy]

bump

[rockerofnevada]

i like how you used the emotion of how the guy felt when him and his girlfriend were togethor and when they broke up it's good in my opinion i give it a 7/10

[sherbondy]

okay i like this song but try your first verse like this:
I tried to make things better
But I made it all fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now just look at the pain in my heart
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
Once it was great
Tell me now what do you see

I hope you like this please crit some of my songs like hidden or horn dog

[boyhendoghdy]

okay i like this song but try your first verse like this:
I tried to make things better
But I made it all fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now just look at the pain in my heart
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
Once it was great
Tell me now what do you see

I hope you like this please crit some of my songs like hidden or horn dog

yeah, thats good, thanks

[SeasonOfTheMad]

hey this is kind of weak but if you want to crit mine plz do: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7490960#post7490960

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i made it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see

(Ok a couple things that are wrong with this first verse. One, is the spelling which really isnt that big of a deal, but I just thought you may want to be aware. And two this songs starts to lack flow in the middle, with the line with pain in it. The first three lines were good and then.. Also it seems like line six and line eight may be forced rhyming.)

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave

(I really like the first two lines of this chorus. I find these genius. The last line seems to be forced to rhyme with the second line. Also the last line doesnt make much sense to me. You may want to change it somehow.)

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late

(Um it sued to be great? Also ahppened? I really did like this verse though. It was much better than the first one, but what in the he*ll are those things? :confused: )

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime

(This verse was fantastic until the last line. You may want to change that. I thought that the first line was kinda funny, but it wasnt really a bad funny. But that last line really needs to go.)

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day

(This was an awsome way to end the song. The song was kinda ify until this last verse. I really like the first line of this verse. I like the whole wording and idea behind this last verse. Nice job.)

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave

(It doesnt seem like you really need this coda here. Leaving with the 4th verse would actually be really good.)


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT:
Well I havent given a thirdeye's vedict for a while but here it goes. I think that there is a lot of potential behind this song and behind you as a songwriter, but I'm not so sure it's the best it can be. I really liked the last verse alot. I really grabs you and takes you in. But the first verse seems like it really needs to be stronger. The same goes for the chorus, it needs to be stronger. In the end, I think that you are a great songwriter and you have a good idea here, but it's not the greatest song. But keep it up. You are very talented and I know you can do it. Nice job all in all. 6.9/10. :thumb:

Can you please crit my new song. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=329304
Thanks alot.
Thirdeyeblindislit :thumb:

[boyhendoghdy]

Verse 1:
I tried to make things better
Ultimatly i made it fall apart
What we had was beautiful
Now i look back in pain
I see others trying to get
What we used to be
At one time it was great
And i think you still should see

(Ok a couple things that are wrong with this first verse. One, is the spelling which really isnt that big of a deal, but I just thought you may want to be aware. And two this songs starts to lack flow in the middle, with the line with pain in it. The first three lines were good and then.. Also it seems like line six and line eight may be forced rhyming.)

Chorus:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
In the end i must get over it
Just pick up and leave

(I really like the first two lines of this chorus. I find these genius. The last line seems to be forced to rhyme with the second line. Also the last line doesnt make much sense to me. You may want to change it somehow.)

Verse 2:
I look at them in pity
That not once they felt like me
But then again it won't last
For me ever to see
I think to myslef
It sued to be great
Now she looks at me with disgust
What ahppened why are you late

(Um it sued to be great? Also ahppened? I really did like this verse though. It was much better than the first one, but what in the he*ll are those things? :confused: )

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
As i ramble on in this song
I try to right the wrong
I think that things will stay the same
But it might end up taking to long
Try to see the brighter side
No more unhappyness
As the story always goes
Things must get better sometime

(This verse was fantastic until the last line. You may want to change that. I thought that the first line was kinda funny, but it wasnt really a bad funny. But that last line really needs to go.)

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Try to end your song on a happy note
Otherwise i really just don't know
As always in the end
Everything should be ok
We all and up the same
As we waste our lives away
We sit around and let it happen
All love will end one day

(This was an awsome way to end the song. The song was kinda ify until this last verse. I really like the first line of this verse. I like the whole wording and idea behind this last verse. Nice job.)

Coda:
Live by my emotions
Wear them on my sleave
One of these days i will conquer it
Never let myself leave

(It doesnt seem like you really need this coda here. Leaving with the 4th verse would actually be really good.)


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT:
Well I havent given a thirdeye's vedict for a while but here it goes. I think that there is a lot of potential behind this song and behind you as a songwriter, but I'm not so sure it's the best it can be. I really liked the last verse alot. I really grabs you and takes you in. But the first verse seems like it really needs to be stronger. The same goes for the chorus, it needs to be stronger. In the end, I think that you are a great songwriter and you have a good idea here, but it's not the greatest song. But keep it up. You are very talented and I know you can do it. Nice job all in all. 6.9/10. :thumb:

Can you please crit my new song. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=329304
Thanks alot.
Thirdeyeblindislit :thumb:

wow, thanks, you really helped alot, i'll crit yours as well as i can right now