Misled based on the movie "the village" crit for crit

[romanesque]

Misled


verse 1
tonight i make covenant
imprison me with wood rather than these secular things
and if not for this impedimant
i would challenge you and win

in the face of evil
all i can i make out is red
but my sight is not of the eyes but of the heart
which allows me to live without regret

prechorus
as fast as i can run
my legs never seem to take far enough away
so in isolation i will tell you
that if today is the last day i spend on this earth i will cherish it-----------

chorus
(forever) i can see again
(and ever) no creatures can find a way in to my head
(but if not for this bond) and all i know is what i've been told
(i would end up all alone) so in the darkness i'll have to be strong

verse 2
when the night recedes
and the light comes out
you can search all you want
but kindness still is left

you can hear it in the voice
but your still all alone
with a black fog engulfing you
you can't let your motive go

bridge
in this forest
i let go
but the ravaged souls that have fallen before me
motivate me to make it back home
and im scared
cos i know
that if my quest is in vain then all that i am
will die to

well that is it i hope it was a bit good please critique oh and if you havent seen the movie see it it has a mixed message and its a bit decieving but if you pay attention you should enjoy it thanks again and crit for crit too

romanesque

[Iron_Weed]

Misled


verse 1
tonight i make covenant
imprison me with wood rather than these secular things
and if not for this impedimant
i would challenge you and win

I would personally change line 1 and 3 as the last words on each sound kinda force rhymed and because they're kinda complicated they just sound a little mechanical. 2nd line seems a bit long and there's just something slightly off about it. Last line is good.

in the face of evil
all i can i make out is red
but my sight is not of the eyes but of the heart
which allows me to live without regret

1st and 2nd lines seem alright, could be better, 3rd line is good. I would probably change the last line to 'so I can live without regret' but whatever.

prechorus
as fast as i can run
my legs never seem to take far enough away
so in isolation i will tell you
that if today is the last day i spend on this earth i will cherish it-----------

okay the 2nd line makes no sense I suppose you meant for a 'me' to be in there? Nonetheless it's a somewhat cliche line. 3rd good, last line is alrght but again kinda cliche.

chorus
(forever) i can see again
(and ever) no creatures can find a way in to my head
(but if not for this bond) and all i know is what i've been told
(i would end up all alone) so in the darkness i'll have to be strong

Please say those words at the start aren't whispered. Please? I don't like the forever and evers just seem kinda corny. Your second line seems to have to many words, something I've noticed you do through out this song. You jst need to clean these lines up. Last two lines are decent again 3rd is slightly cliche.

verse 2
when the night recedes
and the light comes out
you can search all you want
but kindness still is left

First 3 lines are good, not sure about the word kindness. Try to find a synonym for it.

you can hear it in the voice
but your still all alone
with a black fog engulfing you
you can't let your motive go

1st line seems alright, do something about the second line it just doesn't do anything. I would change 3rd line to "but when a black fog engulfs you" and maybe not use motive in last line.

bridge
in this forest
i let go
but the ravaged souls that have fallen before me
motivate me to make it back home
and im scared
cos i know
that if my quest is in vain then all that i am
will die to

1st two lines are alright 3rd line again has too many words. Don't use motivate maybe say drive me or lead me back home but not motivate. I would actually just end it at and I'm scared, its much more powerfull and bleak tan anything that follows it.

Anyway soz for taking a while but you know how it is. This is potentialy a good song but it just needs a huge polish up. Cheers for the crit.

6/10

[priggy]

tonight i make covenant
imprison me with wood rather than these secular things
and if not for this impedimant
i would challenge you and win
You don't need the "and" at the beginning of the 3rd line. Don't try to rhyme it coz then it seems forced - so change "covenant" and "impedimant".

in the face of evil
all i can i make out is red
but my sight is not of the eyes but of the heart
which allows me to live without regret
this is a good verse - the only thing i would change is third line perhaps to - my sight is of the heart .

as fast as i can run
my legs never seem to take far enough away
so in isolation i will tell you
that if today is the last day i spend on this earth i will cherish it-----------
the only thing to change in this verse is the last line


(forever) i can see again
(and ever) no creatures can find a way in to my head
(but if not for this bond) and all i know is what i've been told
(i would end up all alone) so in the darkness i'll have to be strong
i don't like this verse it just doesn't seem to fit

when the night recedes
and the light comes out
you can search all you want
but kindness still is left
this is a good verse i wouldn't change anything

you can hear it in the voice
but your still all alone
with a black fog engulfing you
you can't let your motive go
again wouldn't change anything

in this forest
i let go
but the ravaged souls that have fallen before me
motivate me to make it back home
and im scared
cos i know
that if my quest is in vain then all that i am
will die to
i would try and sort the line lengths as they are all over the place

overall this is very good there is just the odd thing or too i would change

[romanesque]

thx for the crits and the advice

romanesque