Stockholm, Sir

[Clear the Skies]

This is the first song I've ever posted on these boards, and marks a strange point in my lyric-writing. I started writing songs about half a year ago, because no one else in my band would write any. At first, they were expectedly terrible, but I think I've been getting better. These lyrics are the first out of maybe 50 songs I've written that actually involve myself, as I usually avoid my own problems as song-topics. I wrote them very quickly, without focusing on ryhming so much, as many of my other songs just sound forced. I'm not expecting much of a good crit on them, but I want to see what I could do to improve, if anyone has the time. Thanks!

Stockholm, Sir

What's that picture, there?
What face on the canvas?
Is it mine? Could it be me?
What do you see, and what bars are these,
pressing against my palms?
Not real, they can't be, not me.

It's wrong, it's wrong,
Don't think that the picture is me.
Not everything is what you see,
It's not me, not me.

You see the paintings,
Are you Stockholm, sir?
Or, ma'am, do you want something more of me?

What's wrong, what's wrong?
Maybe the painting is me.
Maybe it is what you see,
It shouldn't be, it's me...

[boyhendoghdy]

This is the first song I've ever posted on these boards, and marks a strange point in my lyric-writing. I started writing songs about half a year ago, because no one else in my band would write any. At first, they were expectedly terrible, but I think I've been getting better. These lyrics are the first out of maybe 50 songs I've written that actually involve myself, as I usually avoid my own problems as song-topics. I wrote them very quickly, without focusing on ryhming so much, as many of my other songs just sound forced. I'm not expecting much of a good crit on them, but I want to see what I could do to improve, if anyone has the time. Thanks!

Stockholm, Sir

What's that picture, there?
What face on the canvas?
Is it mine? Could it be me?
What do you see, and what bars are these,
pressing against my palms?
Not real, they can't be, not me.

It's wrong, it's wrong,
Don't think that the picture is me.
Not everything is what you see,
It's not me, not me.

You see the paintings,
Are you Stockholm, sir?
Or, ma'am, do you want something more of me?

What's wrong, what's wrong?
Maybe the painting is me.
Maybe it is what you see,
It shouldn't be, it's me...

strange, what style of music is this song

[Clear the Skies]

strange, what style of music is this song

To be honest...I don't know. I don't write lyrics with actual songs in mind. I play bass in my band, and rarely write the actual structure to the music, I just help flesh it out, and of course write the bass lines.

[boyhendoghdy]

fair enough, hard to say then

[boyhendoghdy]

This is the first song I've ever posted on these boards, and marks a strange point in my lyric-writing. I started writing songs about half a year ago, because no one else in my band would write any. At first, they were expectedly terrible, but I think I've been getting better. These lyrics are the first out of maybe 50 songs I've written that actually involve myself, as I usually avoid my own problems as song-topics. I wrote them very quickly, without focusing on ryhming so much, as many of my other songs just sound forced. I'm not expecting much of a good crit on them, but I want to see what I could do to improve, if anyone has the time. Thanks!

Stockholm, Sir

What's that picture, there?
What face on the canvas?
Is it mine? Could it be me?
What do you see, and what bars are these,
pressing against my palms?
Not real, they can't be, not me.

its different, kind of hard to get an opinion of what you are impying, but if you read a few times through you get your own idea

It's wrong, it's wrong,
Don't think that the picture is me.
Not everything is what you see,
It's not me, not me.

You see the paintings,
Are you Stockholm, sir?
Or, ma'am, do you want something more of me?

just add a 4th stanza to that last verse to make it flow better

What's wrong, what's wrong?
Maybe the painting is me.
Maybe it is what you see,
It shouldn't be, it's me...

ok, i don't know if it has any hidden meaning, but even so, i like it 7/10

[Clear the Skies]

This is the first song I've ever posted on these boards, and marks a strange point in my lyric-writing. I started writing songs about half a year ago, because no one else in my band would write any. At first, they were expectedly terrible, but I think I've been getting better. These lyrics are the first out of maybe 50 songs I've written that actually involve myself, as I usually avoid my own problems as song-topics. I wrote them very quickly, without focusing on ryhming so much, as many of my other songs just sound forced. I'm not expecting much of a good crit on them, but I want to see what I could do to improve, if anyone has the time. Thanks!

Stockholm, Sir

What's that picture, there?
What face on the canvas?
Is it mine? Could it be me?
What do you see, and what bars are these,
pressing against my palms?
Not real, they can't be, not me.

its different, kind of hard to get an opinion of what you are impying, but if you read a few times through you get your own idea

It's wrong, it's wrong,
Don't think that the picture is me.
Not everything is what you see,
It's not me, not me.

You see the paintings,
Are you Stockholm, sir?
Or, ma'am, do you want something more of me?

just add a 4th stanza to that last verse to make it flow better

What's wrong, what's wrong?
Maybe the painting is me.
Maybe it is what you see,
It shouldn't be, it's me...

ok, i don't know if it has any hidden meaning, but even so, i like it 7/10

Thanks for the crit! And yeah, I wanted to add a fourth stanza there, but I wrote the song in one quick burst, and felt that if I added to it afterwards, it wouldn't sound right. But who knows, maybe I'll get around to it. And, about hidden meanings...it's not really a hidden meaning, it's just metaphorical. I like speaking in metaphors in my lyrics, so I never actually directly state anything. And I'd rather have everyone make their own assumptions as to the song's meaning than me outright state it. Anyway, thanks so much for the crit, hopefully I'll get more. :)

[Permanent Solution]

First off, never distance yourself from what you write or it always comes out second-rate and forced. Write about what is close to you, and important to you, it will improve your writing by nature of the fact that you care about what you're writing about.

What's that picture, there?
What face on the canvas?
Is it mine? Could it be me?
What do you see, and what bars are these,
pressing against my palms?
Not real, they can't be, not me.
---What face? I'd go with whose, as it kills repetition of the word what and seems to fit the meaning better. Your images seem to be juxtaposed haphazardly. Focus on using one or two images per stanza and focus on them more rather than throwing in too many to cover any of them in depth.

It's wrong, it's wrong,
Don't think that the picture is me.
Not everything is what you see,
It's not me, not me.
---Using "me" three times in four lines is a little repetitive. It's hard to kill that habit at first, but find other ways to discuss yourself without pronouns and you'll be a more flexible writer. I guess I really dislike repetition, but you use a lot of it here, so it comes down to personal opinion.

You see the paintings,
Are you Stockholm, sir?
Or, ma'am, do you want something more of me?
---While the other stanzas have good internal flow and art to them, this seems out of place. I'd say you might even cut it as it seems to not add a lot.

What's wrong, what's wrong?
Maybe the painting is me.
Maybe it is what you see,
It shouldn't be, it's me...
---Eh, I'm a sucker for changing the last chorus as an ending. Nice job. Maybe tack "Though" onto the beginning of the last line. Otherwise, I like using this to close.

Overall, work on varying your diction, focusing your imagery more and getting more in touch with your pieces. The best lyrics are the ones you can tell come from the heart.