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View Full Version : my first song, please crit


IHaveAidsButDontCare
04-11-2005, 12:14 PM
my first real song, what do you think ?

Her moist and soar beautiful drunken face
Barefoot on the flat cement
It’s not so cold but it would be in any other case
I kissed her she did not prevent me

The dark sharp lights they fooled me into thinking I’d done her wrong
But I know that this is what most of us would call love

Our blankets were thick with a layer of indignity
We sat in a daze and pretended unhappy
I caught her look and she pressed to side of me
Do you trust me she said or am I just pretty

To break the cliché I decided to run away
leaving her wet on the stones
But she knew that I did it out of love

IHaveAidsButDontCare
04-11-2005, 06:02 PM
crit for crit ? awww come you guys
(bump)

Wadey
04-11-2005, 07:11 PM
the lyrics are quite sweet, its a nice little song, not bad for your first song at all