Flow to the sea (Please crit)

[Original-Kris]

The MIDI is also attached :)

Parts of me strip away
Into the breeze and fly away
Parts of me strip away
In the breeze I will fly away

Something holds me to this place
Keeps me from the other side
Something holds me to this place
One day I will leave this earth

Prechorus:
Pretend I don’t know
And I will leave you alone
Don’t
Even
Let it
Show

Chorus:
From the birds in the trees
And the streams that flow to seas
To the stars in the sky
That make your eyes shine
Everything in this world is blue
Everything I know is filled with you

Things are so different now
Lying under miles of sea
Things are so different now
The sun glimmers through the sea

A fire burns somewhere I know
Burns me and tears away
A fire burns somewhere I know
I’m so tired of everything being the same

Prechorus and Chorus

Solo

Chorus

[Original-Kris]

bumpeage

[BrokenSaint]

Not a bad piece, but there is a lot of room for improvement. For starters the theme has been done and done and done.. and you haven't really brought anything new to the table. Lots of repetition here. This isn't always a bad thing, but it's held through a lot of the piece and becomes quite boring.

"Parts of me strip away
Into the breeze and fly away
Parts of me strip away
In the breeze I will fly away"

The first stanza is very weak. Too much repetition. Every line of the stanza ends in away. It seems like one line was taken and repeated three more times with some subtle changes added in afterwards. In addition, the first and third lines are exactly the same.

"Something holds me to this place
Keeps me from the other side
Something holds me to this place
One day I will leave this earth"

Another weak stanza with the same structure as the first. Again the first and third lines are repeated. The second line is fairly well written, and the last line isn't too bad.

"Pretend I don’t know
And I will leave you alone
Don’t
Even
Let it
Show"

Typical PreChorus. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing. The structure here seems more interesting than the previous two stanzas. Not a bad pre-chorus.

"From the birds in the trees
And the streams that flow to seas
To the stars in the sky
That make your eyes shine
Everything in this world is blue
Everything I know is filled with you"

I like the chorus. It's very simple and the theme is very overdone, but I do enjoy reading it. In contrast to the rest of the piece it has a very good flow. "And the streams that flow to the seas" is a good line, probably the strongest in the piece.

The last two stanzas simply repeat the same verse structure which I have said enough about. The last verse is the worst part of the piece and the last line is almost painful.


Overall this is a fairly weak piece. I'm not trying to bash you and I tried to give my best objective opinion on your work. I hope it helps. I'll look for more stuff from you in the future.

[Original-Kris]

thanks, this got looked over a while back so i bumped it up, will take ure hints!

[ABulldog]

Honestly, I hated the repetition between lines 1 and 3. You have to come up with something better than just repeating yourself.... How do I know this? Because your chorus is pretty good, despite using a boring rhyme scheme, with boring/ cliche rhymes.