Walk the Crooked Sidewalk

[Camikaze]

Here's a song I wrote recently. Comments/critique/etc would be much appreciated.

Note: Although it may be obvious, the parts in caps are meant to be screamed, and the lines not in caps are meant to be sang.

By Cameron LaFlam, 4-10-05

Walk the Crooked Sidewalk

Your breath reeks of redemption
The truest sign of intentions
When inherent effects mingle
With this wasteland we call home

Rely upon your inner monologue
And feel the discharge of trust
BREACH THE PACT OUR EYES ONCE MADE
BE WARY!
BE WARY!

Call upon the heralded art
Of confining these lies
Spread unadulterated honesty
Through earnest reprise

Grit your teeth
Palm your oath
Smile towards the alignment
OF A MISGUIDED SPINE IN SIGHT
WORTH TAKING!
NEVER FORSAKEN!

YOUR VISION ALWAYS OFFSET FROM MINE!

[Iron_Weed]

Walk the Crooked Sidewalk

[I]Your breath reeks of redemption
The truest sign of intentions
When internal effects mingle
With this wasteland we call home

1st line is good sounds like something I would write, all the rest is good except maybe line 3 which I for some reason don't like. Probably the word internal, it just seems a little out of place.

Rely upon your inner monologue
And feel the discharge of trust
BREAK YOUR GRASP
BE WARY!
BE WARY!

Not so keen on your first line, 2nd line is very good. Not sure about the rest. Guess it depends on how you do it.

Call upon the heralded art
Of confining these lies
Spread unadulterated honesty
Through earnest reprise

1st lines alrite, 2nd lines good, 3 and 4th line also very good.

Grit your teeth
Palm your oath
Smile towards the alignment
Of a STAB IN THE BACK
WORTH TAKING!
WORTH BREAKING!

First 3 lines are kickass. The last 3 just seem kind of ridiculous imo.

NEVER LIVE IT DOWN!

Ditto.

Ok pretty much when it wasn't typed in capitals it was good. I would try and inteligify (made up word) the lines in capitals as they aren't nearly as poetic or powerfull as the rest of the song. Good job though, I generally liked this.

8/10

Would you mind critting my song Halloween?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=327168

[Big Sheld]

Yeah the sung bits are pretty cool, and the screamed bits don't really seem as good, although when words are screamed they often can make even simple things sound good...depends how you do it, but yeah, maybe try and improve those bits...and I don't understand what you mean by "NEVER LIVE IT DOWN!".

[Camikaze]

Thanks to the both of you. I altered some bits in the song, hopefully for the better.