It Looked Better On Paper

[romanesque]

It Looked Better On Paper

Verse 1
if u have any regrets any page left untturned,
i'll pray then for death to close my eyes on the world,
things dont seem that well and if time is running out,
then ill ask for a piece of paper and i'll write whats been hindering down,

Chorus
why must you run, the only place to look is up,
and heaven seems closer, when you have somebody to love,
and if get the chance, i'll ask for this dance,
then i'll rip your heart out, because what i thought once existed was fake,

Verse 2
the silhouettes and the lights turn me away from my heart,
if i wear it on my sleeve can you figure me out,
all i had was a lie every minute every hour was hell,
but what i have now was worth every word i spoke,

Bridge
i have nothing except a head on my shoulders,
but this emptiness tears as you grow older aren't you supposed to get stronger,
the symptons spell death but im too scared to move,
and all this time i envisioned myself with you,

End Chorus
why must you run, i just want to give up,
everything takes time, but i feel like i've had enough,
the empty space is so daunting, its probably my best memory,
but like all my dreams, they look better on paper


this is a slower acoustic driven song.
well, that pretty much sums it up. please comment/critique on this i poured my heart into this one and it means a lot to me thanks and i hope u enjoyed it

romanesque

[shadeddakotabassist]

I'd need a bit of time for this one, and, as seems to be the pattern with me, I just don't have it right now. so consider this one a bump, cause this deserves some crits. it's good. and as soon as I get the chance, I'll be back to give my full input.

[KCsilvertone]

I think it is fantastic...I wish that it rhymed though...poems and songs seem more appealing to me when they have rhyme schemes...If i liked poems without rhyme schemes: it'd be an 8.5/10, but since i dont: it's a 7/10...sorry about this crit not being too lengthy...I have the same problem as the previous poster...no time...

[romanesque]

well nonetheless thank you guys so much for the crits anymore are welcome i could use the feedback

thx

romanesque

[shadeddakotabassist]

Verse 1
if u have any regrets any page left untturned,
i'll pray then for death to close my eyes on the world,
things dont seem that well and if time is running out,
then ill ask for a piece of paper and i'll write whats been hindering down,


I don't know what to say. this is beautifully written, and while the meaning may not be crystal clear, it leaves room for the reader/listener to put their own lives into the mix already. that's a great thing

Chorus
why must you run, the only place to look is up,
and heaven seems closer, when you have somebody to love,
and if get the chance, i'll ask for this dance,
then i'll rip your heart out, because what i thought once existed was fake,


Ok I liked everything here except the last line. you've used a certain grace in your words before here and this line seems a bit...grotesque. this is all IMO though, so feel free to cast my thoughts aside

Verse 2
the silhouettes and the lights turn me away from my heart,
if i wear it on my sleeve can you figure me out,
all i had was a lie every minute every hour was hell,
but what i have now was worth every word i spoke,


once again nothing really wrong here. but without any rhyming scheme, you have a bit more freedom with the lyrics you choose. possibly think about changing a few words into something more smoothly flowing, while still keeping the meaning of the song.

Bridge
i have nothing except a head on my shoulders,
but this emptiness tears as you grow older aren't you supposed to get stronger,
the symptons spell death but im too scared to move,
and all this time i envisioned myself with you,


seems rather sporadic and jumpy in meaning, but still flows with feeling. I like it. great way to begin the end of the song.

End Chorus
why must you run, i just want to give up,
everything takes time, but i feel like i've had enough,
the empty space is so daunting, its probably my best memory,
but like all my dreams, they look better on paper

love the finality of the last line here. the change from the original chorus into this is excellent for a finish. bravo on a job well done and I hope to see more work like yours here.
9/10

[romanesque]

thanks for the critique and thanks for the advice you gave on how it could run smoother thanks a lot

romanesque