"This All Looked Better From the Outside"

[Disco Dragon]

I woke up on the couch with a random assortment
Of plastic superheroes and a condom that’s pointless
No one ever told me a normal life is boring so my eyes are evading the truth

With a little less time to consummate pleasure
I’m looking to the clock to relieve this pressure
No one ever told me a normal life is boring so I keep my eyes focused on you

Nose marks on the window
Blurring up the life I got into
Stay and watch me limbo
For the one who keeps me single

Eating breakfast at the table we got high on last night
And though the eggs didn’t scramble our brains got fried
So much for the boring and the normalness you warned me to never get into

Paper lunch sacks and baseball caps
Cockblocked my last attempt to get in the sack
My attacks fell flat, and I’m on my back

A quick pick-me-up off of the ground
Sends me out into the world and out of this town

My hands feel greasy on the knob of the door
The sweat from my brow accumulates on the floor
Thank you for the warning of the normal life you told me I wouldn’t ever fit into

Postcards from Mexico
Say hello to both of the kids
I’d love to chat but I really have to go
I hope life’s not too boring to miss

[peaveyrules]

Wow! You have some good stuff here, and some other stuff that I really do not enjoy. I really liked the first two verses. I can't say much about the rest, it sounds fine, but the rhyming seems forced upon most of the lines. Good idea behind the writing as well!

[Disco Dragon]

Thanks peavey, I'm glad you took the time to read/crit my song. I guess I've been listening to too much Eve 6 lately, which would explain the overabundance of rhyming.

[Corupt2057]

alright hoss I really liked the first two lines they have a hidden rhyme in there somewhere I can't distinguish exactly where it is but I didn't try to look too much

anyways I'm glad you linked the pointless condom into the second line with consummate pleasure however the clock relieving the pressure didn't sit with me, possibly cause I don't understand what exactly you mean by it

3rd stanza appeals to me as the chorus and I liked all the rhymes especially the way you ended it in the last line, not too pleased with the limbo part but the idea behind it is complete so it works

4th stanza great work on linking those two lines together with beautiful logical connections and really well worded

5th stanza man that was funny when I read it but man it added the cold hard honest truth into the song thanks for adding some reality to it that a great lot of people can relate too

6th stanza why so nervous about leaving..? just curious

liked the neding but I wish you could have ended it with a rhyme but oh well doesn't matter
as usual I'm obligated to like another one of your wonderful songs lol
great opening with the first 2 lines great logical connections and simplistic everyday imagery that everyday people can actually relate too
anyways good work

crit back:
Holding in my Hands(Edward Scissorhands Song) (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=326565)

[Shadows_of_Souls]

This was great. I could see somebody actually singing this, and I would buy the cd if they did.. at least the single. lol. But anyway, this was great but It still could use some work. The limbo part kinda stuck out at me. The rhyming was good, it didn't sound too forced, but also the parts that sound forced are also the parts that sounds like the mans forcing himself to do what he is doing so it kinda goes with the song that way. Anyway, if you wouldn't mind looking for my song (You Will) Become Evil and criting that I would appreciate it.

[Corupt2057]

btw DD fix your d@mn avatar it's annoying lol

[Disco Dragon]

Thanks fellas, I'm glad you took a liking to it. But if you would indulge me, I'd like to explain that 2nd stanza.

What I meant by "looking to the clock to relieve this pressure", is that this guy is having trouble finding time to have sex with this woman because of her kids, which is pointed out later in the song. That line is more or less him wishing he could stop time for a little bit so that he could do what he needs to do.

I'll definately check your songs out when I get an extra minute.

[Corupt2057]

ah ok thanks for the explanation