Halloween

[Iron_Weed]

Wow, haven't been on here for a long time. Anyway this a song I wrote quite different from anything I've ever written before. Crit for crit leave an adress.


You were always up for rent
Beautiful & innocent
Hair as dark as my soul

But I found you knew a thing or two
Of hidden fruit and silent clues
I’d hate to ever share the shame

I’m not worthy
Of your attention
I’m really not a human being
It’s just Halloween

And now you hide your mind
Behind a smile and faded line
And I’ve always been to scared

Because the costume fit as well
As second skin and private hell
Which dims but always stays

I’m not worthy
Of your prevention
I don’t deserve to live so clean
It’s just Halloween

And although we’ll burn away
At least I can always say
I never burned alone

[AndNico]

Wow, haven't been on here for a long time. Anyway this a song I wrote quite different from anything I've ever written before. Crit for crit leave an adress.


You were always up for rent
Beautiful & innocent
Hair as dark as my soul

not bad so far

But I found you knew a thing or two
Of hidden fruit and silent clues
I’d hate to ever share the shame

dont know what this is saying but it flows cool

I’m not worthy
Of your attention
I’m really not a human being
It’s just Halloween

the third line seems like it has too many words

And now you hide your mind
Behind a smile and faded line
And I’ve always been to scared

good

Because the costume fit as well
As second skin and private hell
Which dims but always stays

still good

I’m not worthy
Of your prevention
I don’t deserve to live so clean
It’s just Halloween
still good
And although we’ll burn away
At least I can always say
I never burned alone

not bad...pretty cool acculay 8/10

[Iron_Weed]

Cheers.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

You were always up for rent
Beautiful & innocent
Hair as dark as my soul

But I found you knew a thing or two
Of hidden fruit and silent clues
I’d hate to ever share the shame

--I like this basic idea, though I wish there had been a better explanation as to the situation. At least some sort of buildup. The rhyming was well done, didn't seem forced at all. To that I commend you, as it's not done well very often. My main complaint would be the 3rd line in the first stanza. It seems to lack flow and potency to lead into another verse. I'd suggest rewording it, because it just feels like an incomplete thought at the moment.

I’m not worthy
Of your attention
I’m really not a human being
It’s just Halloween

--I really don't understand this. It feels disconnected in thought and didn't really do anything for me.

And now you hide your mind
Behind a smile and faded line
And I’ve always been to scared

Because the costume fit as well
As second skin and private hell
Which dims but always stays

--The second stanza's couplet seemed cheezy and isn't very good. Anyway, these 2 verses felt much weaker in comparison, though not too bad, just lacked the originality that would make them excellently done.

I’m not worthy
Of your prevention
I don’t deserve to live so clean
It’s just Halloween

--Same complaints as the other chorus.

And although we’ll burn away
At least I can always say
I never burned alone

--You used "burn" twice in this stanza, perhaps a synonym for the first line. It wouldn't make the ending seem so awkward. As for the ending, it was kind of abrupt, but I liked it. Good job.

Not a bad song, but not too good either. There is definitely a lot of potential in your writing though. You do a good job at not coming off as cliche, but in doing so, make your song slightly boring. It just doesn't grab you the way a good lyric should. You know what I mean? A valiant effort, I'll be awaiting your next :).

4/10

[romanesque]

i liked it alot it was very well written and it seemed surreal good job 8/10

crit for crit:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=327566

[ABulldog]

Wow, haven't been on here for a long time. Anyway this a song I wrote quite different from anything I've ever written before. Crit for crit leave an adress.


You were always up for rent
Beautiful & innocent
Hair as dark as my soul

I don't like this as a first verse. It just doesn't sound good, plus the hair as dark as your soul line is a little cliche and boring.

But I found you knew a thing or two
Of hidden fruit and silent clues
I’d hate to ever share the shame

This doesn't seem to flow with the topic in the first part. You may have two separate verses here, which should be broken up by a break or chorus.

I’m not worthy
Of your attention
I’m really not a human being
It’s just Halloween

Referring to Halloween doesn't make much sense. Plus, there have been about a thousand songs already title "Halloween". Two by the Misfits, Sonic Youth to name a couple.

And now you hide your mind
Behind a smile and faded line
And I’ve always been to scared

Don't start a verse with and. It doesn't sound right because it isn't part of another sentence. I like this verse though, but you need to add more to it. Been scared of what? A little vague.

Because the costume fit as well
As second skin and private hell
Which dims but always stays

Don't start this verse with because. Same as and. I like the metaphor.

I’m not worthy
Of your prevention
I don’t deserve to live so clean
It’s just Halloween

And although we’ll burn away
At least I can always say
I never burned alone


Yeah it was good overall. It just needs fine tuning to be better. Once you make some changes I would probably give it a 7.5/10, but right now it's a 6/10

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks for crits guys.

[burton.and.gas]

erm, well its the same name as a misfits song but i cant hold that against ya. overall it puts a deeper meaing to halloween then i was expecting. in actually fact i was expecting a glam-rcok styled song but really i supose it has great depth.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I was almost expecting to open the thread and see "The fire's burning bright" as the first line :).

[Iron_Weed]

erm, well its the same name as a misfits song but i cant hold that against ya. overall it puts a deeper meaing to halloween then i was expecting. in actually fact i was expecting a glam-rcok styled song but really i supose it has great depth.

Yeah, its a mudhoney song too but meh.

[Iron_Weed]

Bump/ soz its taken so long romanesque I'll get on to crittin your song soon.

[Murder Sheep]

I thought it was mostly good except for the bad parts which weren't so good.