Endocardial: Plz Crit

[KCsilvertone]

It seems I got plenty of positive feedback on my other poem...so this one will go up too i guess...this is a much different type of poem...plz crit...enjoy

"endocardial"

Don't say a word
'cause talk is cheap,
You have so many secrets
that you choose to keep,
I burn myself alive
and I love to feel the pain,
Everytime I am by your side
It makes me go insane...

Sometimes...
I wish I could forget,
and sometimes...
I wish We'd never met...
Just give me one more day
and then I'll go,
and take a bath
with my radio...

Another deadly sentance,
another hellish phrase,
the same day here without you,
I've died in so many ways...
Even though you're next to me,
I feel like I'm alone,
Even though I know you're home,
you won't answer the phone...

---------------------------------

This may sound "cliche", but this is one of my older works, thanks for reading...I want to know honest opinions...


-K.C.

[Havelock]

It is quite cliched, and I think I've seen a few of the lyrics in other places, but as I'm not sure I won't say which ones.
On the other hand, it is quite a decent piece. The rhyming scheme is quite good, and I think the chorus (I'm assuming the middle bit is the chorus) is particularly good. I'd give the whole thing 7/10.

[KCsilvertone]

the "even though you're next to me, I feel like I'm alone" part sound like a yellowcard song to everybody, and that bothers me, I will probably change it later...and i know it is nice and cliched...one of the only ones i have written that is...

thanks...

any others?

[black_sheepd]

I think it is pretty good.
I especially enjoyed the line:
"Just give me one more day
and then I'll go,
and take a bath
with my radio..."

I give it a 7.5/10

[Ruse of Metacarpi]

See Alkaline Trio - "Radio"

nice work though.

[hmmm60]

poem??..dude what are you..shakespeare?

[KCsilvertone]

No, I am not shakespeare, I know some of his stuff though...I called it a poem, because that is what it originally was...It is a song now...sorry about that...