New punk song - Outlines

[ToxicFerret5489]

If wishes were dollars
Or even half-full liquor bottles
I’d always be cheerful, besotted
I’d always have a way to drown my sorrows
No I do not mean the lake
They drag that place too often these days
I’d bet my life you’d love it that way
I’m a floater you’re a victim of a tragedy

So they give you all their sympathy
Oh won’t you

Paint me on the cement as a corpse
Traced outlines of my lifeless form
And draw my heart cut up in two
One half for me, one half for you
Paint me on the cement against blood red
Above my head draw words that died unsaid
Stare down the barrel of this .22
One bullet for me, one bullet for you

If wishes were bags of dope
I’d always have a bit of hope
And no matter how hard the baleful sun shone
I’d always be able to make myself choke
If the paint was based on lead
I’d eat it every meal until I went to bed
Yeah if the pipes were laced with lead
I’d drink from them until I wound up dead

So I guess you still come out ahead
Oh cant we

Paint me on the cement as a corpse
Traced outlines of my lifeless form
And draw my heart cut up in two
One half for me, one half for you
Paint a self-portrait all in blue
Write another story where the good guys lose
Stare down at those pretty OC 80s
Poison for you, OD for me

Solo

Paint me on the cement as a corpse
Traced outlines of my lifeless form
And draw my heart cut up in two
One half for me, one half for you
Paint me on the cement against blood red
Above my head draw words that died unsaid
Stare down the barrel of this .22
One bullet for me, one bullet for you

---

So that's that. A bit darker than my usual lyrics for my punk band, and a lot less political, but there we go. Tell me what you think please, and any specific criticism I could use is VERY much appreaciated.

EDIT: No, it isnt about breaking up with a girl. It's about how society or any group of people can wear someone down until they have nowhere else to go, and either drink or dope themselves until they're happy. Don't crit me on my genre choice, crit on the material in the song.

[Ruse of Metacarpi]

I like this a lot, it reminds me of Alkaline Trio a little bit, which is a very good thing in my opinion.

There's something a little... hm... I'm not sure, your flow gets lost in the second half of that third stanza/verse. But overall, very good work.

[DeadReligion]

This sounds like Good Charlotte influenced lyrics with a dark side influenced by Alk3....not punk. It's still a good [emo] song, but it's not punk, punk is about the world's problems, not about breaking up with girl...sorry. If you called it an emo song...8/10, but since you are someone who thinks they punk, but in reality, are emo, I have to rate this like its a "punk" song, and in that case...1/10. Sorry to be so harsh, but I really don't like people who whine about stuff that, in the long-run doesn't make a difference, you will eventually find another girl, there are more important problems. I think you do have talent as a writer, try writing punk about issues that matter, and if that doesn't work, just be an emo band, or call it quits, because, no real punks (for lack of a better term for them...) will take you seriously, and I don't think you wanna get laughed and booed off stage...

[ToxicFerret5489]

What you say WOULD be true, except that any real punks know that punk songs can be about whatever the **** they want. I asked for a crit on material, not genre. It's not about breaking up with a girl whatsoever. I wrote it becuase it sounded nice lyrically, I suppose you can interpret it as a song about how society (referred to as 'you' in the song) will beat someone down until they have nowhere left to go.

[ABulldog]

What you say WOULD be true, except that any real punks know that punk songs can be about whatever the **** they want. I asked for a crit on material, not genre. It's not about breaking up with a girl whatsoever. I wrote it becuase it sounded nice lyrically, I suppose you can interpret it as a song about how society (referred to as 'you' in the song) will beat someone down until they have nowhere left to go.
no they can't. You're right that they don't have to be about breakups.... that would be emo. Real punks know that punk rock is about going against the norm. Not whatever you want. It's not about the sound or style. It is about the lyrics.

[ABulldog]

as far as a critique, i will do that later.

[ToxicFerret5489]

It's about the lyrics, but look at Riot 99, they have a song about ****ing nuns, and Rancid, back when they were real good, had Time Bomb. Two very different subjects, neither very political, yet both from bands that undeniably (at least at the time in Rancid's case) played punk. My point was that punk lyrics can be about many different things. But punk isn't just about the lyrics. The music figures in as well. To use old Rancid as another example, look at Old Friend. 'Good morning heartache, you're like an old friend come to see me again." The lyrics could be fitted to different music and the feeling of the song would be much different. So, while the lyrics carry the meaning of the song, whether it's political or not, the music and the sound of the vocals themselves can carry the feeling of the song.

[ABulldog]

I wasn't trying to say that punk had to be political, but what I wanted to say that punk can come from anywhere. Infact, it doesn't even have to do with music. As far as bands go, Sonic Youth, Velvet Underground, the Cramps. They are all punk rockers, yet their music does not resemble the normal "punk" sound that people are accustomed too. Sonic Youth has a kinda jazz/punk/indy sound. Velvet Underground was very early punk, but very mellow. The Cramps are known as a punk band, but they have a surf/rockabilly sound to them. I guess my point is, is that not every band that claims to be punk is punk, and not every band that sounds punk is punk.

[shayne_122]

no they can't. You're right that they don't have to be about breakups.... that would be emo. Real punks know that punk rock is about going against the norm. Not whatever you want. It's not about the sound or style. It is about the lyrics.


god**** stereotypes about emo being "breakups".

thats commercial poppunk.

emo is expressing emotional feelings to music.

[shayne_122]

anyways, the song:

i really liked it, its alot different than the usual "punk" crap that comes up here, alot deeper.

a few problems though... you have a bit of forced rhyming in there, kinda made me tingle... but otherwise good!

[Big Sheld]

It does sorta strike me as an emo song, with the language and themes in it...but hey the instrumentation will affect the way the words come out a lot, and I still think it would be a good punk song, just a more sophisticated punk song (in the lyrics aspect) :P.

I like the way you use "If wishes were dollars", instead of using the old "If I had a dollar for.." lol

[ABulldog]

god**** stereotypes about emo being "breakups".

thats commercial poppunk.

emo is expressing emotional feelings to music.
Breakups are usually emotional, therefore, they are emo lyrics. I was just using breakups as an example, which was already given.

[Ruse of Metacarpi]

Jesus Christ guys.

Who gives a **** what genre, and furthermore, how can you degrade this song because of the genre that he chose for it? That's horribly shallow.

[ToxicFerret5489]

^^ I hear that ****. So. Anyone have any specific improvements on the lyrics themselves?

[Gofix]

Doesn't really matter what genre he thinks it is and since he wrote it i think he will know what he was going for even if it didn't quite hit the mark ;)

Anyway, i like the lyrics very much. I think they could be put nicely into a song. How exact are you thinking of singing .22? In what way, i mean.

[ToxicFerret5489]

I figured i'd say twenty-two the same way someone would say nine mil or fourty four magnum.

[burton.and.gas]

falls between alkalin trio and the ramones. niether of those is a bad thing. it's quite clever and it remoinds me of all thsoe songs about your friends and the place you live in. really it osunds liek a non-pop verison of "boulevard of borken dreams" or a slightly darker version of another punk song that i cant think of.

[Punk_*_Rocker]

Millencolin now there good punk :D aswell as Bad religion, most of bad religions songs seem to be about pilitics however millencolin seems to be mostly random yet they seay they are about happenings i reccomend millencolins new album Kingwood aswell as the music the 50minute studio film is sooo funny :D when i write songs i tend to stay away form Genres until i get to the end of the first verse then i relise i have written about a certain genre i tend to stay away from songs about girls though...

[islamicbob5342]

OK- about the actual ****ing song!
It sounds really catchy to me, as well as being smartly written. I like how you start both verses the same (if wishes were) and end both choruses differently. Good use of repetition as well as variety there. Me being dumb, I can't completely follow the lyrics but I get the basic idea of it, and it seems to work real well. And I agree with the other guy, it does sound a lot like Alkaline Trio except not as annoyingly homicidal and suicidal (although that seems to be in your song a little too, just in a smart way), which is good.

By the way, it sounds nothing like Good Charlotte.