Collapse Baby Collapse

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
4/9/05

Collapse Baby Collapse

We used to play this game called "The Rose Has Thorns."
You'd be pain, I was just plain stupid.
You always won, how bittersweet.
I got wrapped up in your beauty, and forgot about your shrapnel kiss.

You spit razorblades,
Cut my mouth like paper.

Raise the glass and let that wine reflect into your eyes.
I laced the drinks with poison so when you toast love, it dies.

Kiss the sky darling.
Then collapse baby, collapse.

[AndNico]

whats the point to post it if we cant crit it?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

:rolleyes:

[Understanding In a Crash]

whats the point to post it if we cant crit it?
Some people do like to read :thumb:

[Sloth]

:chug: :evil: :chug:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ooo, done until I hate it again.

[Iron_Weed]

Last 2 lines are amazing imo. Just brilliant. The rest didn't do to much for me but wow!

Could you crit my song halloween?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=327168

[ABulldog]

This is one of your best ones yet. I think it needs more though. Maybe not. It definately leaves a lot up to imagination.

[RollerQueen]

I liked it until "shrapnel." From there to "paper," you lost me and threw the humour of the previous part out the window. The wit is recovered and salvaged for the ending, thank God, and it's like having a Boston creme donut, a stale plain kruller, and another Boston creme donut. Fix up the triteness of the middle bit and I'll buy you a skateboard (Powell or Zero. None of that Shortys garbage).

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I skate a PJ Ladd deck from Flip :upset:.