Holding in my Hands (Edward Scissorhands Song)

[Corupt2057]

:::Revised 2nd stanza 12:00AM 4-11-05:::
:::Revised 3rd and 5th stanza 9:56PM 4-11-05:::
:::Revised 5th stanza 9:30PM 4-18-05:::

Forgive me if I know not.. right from wrong,
This time alone.. has only caused self doubt.
And I've been cold now.. for far too long
Such an exciting feeling.. now that I'm coming down.

Beauty like this.. never existed in my mind,
But now you're staring at me.. from a picture frame.
Pacifying my wanderlust.. in this pastel paradise,
Invoking a realm of wonders.. in a marvel of landscape.

I can't handle these common delicacies,
And everytime I try, I leave another scar.
Lonely years didn't teach the daily intricacies,
Only bleedin' in the dark.. and before you judge me-

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

You all say you know a doctor that can help me,
Yet I'm unique.. and you wouldn't want to change that.
This isn't a handicap.. exceptional is what you tell me,
Get all you want.. just to turn on me..

(Buildup)
I know I'm different but not everyone knows,
The effort of my inexplicable lows..
You warm my invented heart,
That was only kept froze-(Hold me)
I can't wrap this pain around you.. (Hold me)
I can't, I can't, can't you see!-

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

(Chorus Extension)
Love returned is simply shear heaven.
Sharing with me.. a real life,
Was something that was never given.
With these less than perfect hands..

(Bridge)
I'm the snow maker, you're my angel of ice,
Let's dance in the debris.. of an invisible life.
I'll make the winter if you make the lies.
Bring on the heart ache.. that tears up my eyes.

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

These less than perfect hands..
(Hold me)
These less than perfect hands..
If you try holding in my hands..
(This shame... my pain)
(Hold me... hold me)


If you have never seen the movie then some things are kinda blank you out especially the 2nd stanza
edit:
also forgot to add that 'shear heaven' wasn't a typo of 'sheer' just a little play on words I thought I would include :thumb:

[sherbondy]

this is good but long the chorus is good also and of cousre johnny depp was amazing in this film

[Biancazzurri]

Too bad you had nothing to say about mine... But thanx for good words anyways.

I didn't see the movie, but the style it was written in captured me. I like the chorus alot it has much feeling in it and when I think about it it becomes beautiful more and more. The second stanza which I'm not supposed to understand is very good too, I like the way you explain his feelings without interferring with the action of the movie(I know what I said but it looks like this...).
I wouldn't say masterpiece but this is something special.

[Corupt2057]

Biancazzurri,
Thanks man I really appreciate the compliments

[Shadows_of_Souls]

That's a good song. I've seen the movie, but it was a while ago so I kinda got lost. Think I'll have to see it again. Well, thanks for the crit of my song.

Peace

[IOWNU200]

I liked this movie quite a bit, and you're like my only friend left on this forum, so a crit for you.

Forgive me if I know not.. right from wrong,
This time alone.. has only caused self doubt.
And I've been cold now.. for far too long,
Such an exciting feeling.. now that I'm coming down.

I would re-word the last line, bujt I love the concept you're playing with in this verse. I like the emotion self doubt, that was worded well. I'm liking what I see so far.

Beauty like this.. never existed in my mind,
What an unknown feeling.. from inside a picture frame.
Pacifying my wanderlust.. in this pastel paradise,
Imaginary realm of wonders.. in a marvel of landscape.

This could use alot of re-wording. It's kind of jumbled it seems with too many words, try cut out some words simplify it a little. It's cluster almost. I don't like the way you worded the second line with the picture frame at the end. Try starting off with the prepositional phrase for some variety. I like the imagery of a pastel paradise though, nicely worded. I don't like the last lines direction though, you might want to go for something else.

And I can't handle these common delicacies,
Even given the purity of my invented heart.
The lonely years didn't teach the daily intricacies,
And before you judge me for this inflicted harm-

I would add another line in here so you have a solid verse and then use the fifth line leading into the verse as a transition. I would maybe mention the pure heart somewhere else, it's not really related to completing common things, so you're kind of making a relationship that can't be made, if you know what i mean. Otherwise though, this was a pretty beautiful stanza, it's a nice little topic to touch.

Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

EGH, this chorus is ugly. The sympothy effect is not touching. If you're trying to get someone to sympathize, i'd go for more beautiful and sophisticated words. Drop the simplicity it's not helping the feel of the song (oh ****, I do feel)

You all say you know a doctor that can help me,
Yet I'm unique.. and you wouldn't want to change that.
This isn't a handicap.. exceptional is what you tell me,
Get all you want.. just to turn on me..

no, i don't like all the pointing you have going on. It would be better to make it more of a whine than a talk with an assumed person. This verse just really didn't touch me at all. I didn't get much of a feel for it, so I'd do alot of re-writing, like i said before sophistication can be your friend.

And I'll do anything you say.. because I love you,
Even though I was never finished..
Somehow you have found..
The way to complete me, (Hold me)
I can't wrap this pain around you.. (Hold me)
I can't, I can't, can't you see!-

You need something, a metaphor or something, your verses are getting very boring and i've kind of lost anything this song had going for me in the early verses. Try not to wear your concept out and go for a new way of presenting it.

(Chorus Extension)
Love returned is simply shear heaven.
Sharing with me.. a real life,
Was something that was never given.
With these less than perfect hands..

Ok, you're back on the right track. I like the real life mention, it's a good touch, I don't like the third line though, perhaps try something new. The rest of the verse is pretty smooth though, good work.

(Bridge)
I'm the snow maker, you're my angel of ice,
Let's dance in the debris.. of an invisible life.
I'll make the winter if you make the lies.
Bring on the heart ache.. that tears up my eyes.

This is beautiful language here, I love your word choice. This was an excellent verse. Good job here, I have nothing to bitch about :(


These less than perfect hands..
(Hold me)
These less than perfect hands..
If you try holding in my hands..
(This shame... my pain)
(Hold me... hold me)

I have mixed feeling here. I like the contradiction type thing used here, but I think like i've said before bring in the big beautiful sentences. Oh well, artists choice.

Overall, this song has alot of promise, i'd just try and jazz it up a little if you know what i mean, I've seen your vocabulary, you can turn this into a bitchin piece. Anyways, good job.

Oh, P.S

TBS show over a one night stand with any girl regardless of how hott :p

[Corupt2057]

I would re-word the last line, bujt I love the concept you're playing with in this verse. I like the emotion self doubt, that was worded well. I'm liking what I see so far.
alright the last line for one is very singable and explains that he's coming down from the castle and self doubt that he's been trapped in ;-)


This could use alot of re-wording. It's kind of jumbled it seems with too many words, try cut out some words simplify it a little. It's cluster almost. I don't like the way you worded the second line with the picture frame at the end. Try starting off with the prepositional phrase for some variety. I like the imagery of a pastel paradise though, nicely worded. I don't like the last lines direction though, you might want to go for something else.
hmm I'll try and work on this verse cause it is kind of a cluster I'll see what I can come up with


I would add another line in here so you have a solid verse and then use the fifth line leading into the verse as a transition. I would maybe mention the pure heart somewhere else, it's not really related to completing common things, so you're kind of making a relationship that can't be made, if you know what i mean. Otherwise though, this was a pretty beautiful stanza, it's a nice little topic to touch.
actually the transition into the chorus is the 4th line
but I gotcha ;-) as for the purity of invented heart I see what you mean it flows well with the verse but kind of stands alone from the thoughts in the verse


EGH, this chorus is ugly. The sympothy effect is not touching. If you're trying to get someone to sympathize, i'd go for more beautiful and sophisticated words. Drop the simplicity it's not helping the feel of the song (oh ****, I do feel)
lol go and listen to Finger Eleven - Walking in my Shoes and then you will understand how the chorus is actually going to sound it doesn't get all emotional actually kind of aggressive
btw I hate you for not liking it ;-P lol joking ;-)


no, i don't like all the pointing you have going on. It would be better to make it more of a whine than a talk with an assumed person. This verse just really didn't touch me at all. I didn't get much of a feel for it, so I'd do alot of re-writing, like i said before sophistication can be your friend.
nah I'm not gonna change anything here because it relates too much with the movie and says exactly what is happening but I understand what you mean as a stand alone song

You need something, a metaphor or something, your verses are getting very boring and i've kind of lost anything this song had going for me in the early verses. Try not to wear your concept out and go for a new way of presenting it.
yeah this verse I actually wanted to keep very simple I may incorporate the invented heart line in here somewhere but it kinda get's emotional in this part because in the movie it is one of those tear jerker scenes

Ok, you're back on the right track. I like the real life mention, it's a good touch, I don't like the third line though, perhaps try something new. The rest of the verse is pretty smooth though, good work.

I appreciate it ;-)

This is beautiful language here, I love your word choice. This was an excellent verse. Good job here, I have nothing to bitch about :(

I really appeciate it, this was my favorite verse cause it sum'd up the ending of the movie, and I felt it came out very smoothly, and very strong with good logical connections
(but I'm not here to crit my own piece lol ;-))

TBS show over a one night stand with any girl regardless of how hott :p
lmao f/u haha no man it's cool *grabs remote switches to TBS* ah crap already got my next song 16 year-old white teen knocked up in a one night stand with a 36 year-old homeless black man dying from diabetes and has a very bad crack addiction lol ;-)

thanks for the crit man I'm sure after you hear that finger11 song you'll end up liking the chorus because I think you thought I was going to make the chorus emo sounding anyways I appreciate it and I'll try to work on those points you touched as soon as I finish this TBS show lmao! ;-)

[IOWNU200]

haha, i like the fact that you critiqued my critique :confused:

It helps me out now that i can kind of get a feel of what you were going for...good work, I plan on posting someting soon, if i ever get out of this god **** block

[Corupt2057]

lol my bad
anyways I revised those areas you touched on
by the way I'll be looking out for your new piece :thumb:

[Corupt2057]

bump

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

This was a pretty good song, well written and all. I wasn't too fond of the chorus, everything seemed too sympathetic, IDK maybe it's just me, but I love the line "These less than perfect hands". To be honest, I don't know if you'll take offense to this or not, but when I read this I could hear it as a number from a musical rendition of Edward Scissorhands on Broadway. That's a good thing, in my mind, no other piece on here has made that sort of an impression (I don't know if that's the right word) on me. But yeah, it's good just try to reword the chorus and you'll be golden. 8.5/10 (.5 bonus for the broadway feel). Good job.

Thanks for your input on mine, it was most helpful.

[bassfreak01]

you know when you think about it.. lots of broadway songs could be turned into decent rock songs with just different backing....
maybe thats what i should be doing

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Well it's just that this one created the image of a play, this being a sort of inner monologue for Edward Scissorhands. I don't know if anyone else saw that in their mind, or if I'm just crazy.

[Permanent Solution]

Jesus this is long...too long for tonight, but I will do it tomorrow :)

[Permanent Solution]

Forgive me if I know not.. right from wrong,
This time alone.. has only caused self doubt.
And I've been cold now.. for far too long
Such an exciting feeling.. now that I'm coming down.
---I still don't get the coming down line after a few readthroughs...I feel dumb :-/ Of course as that is the closer, I feel like I'm missing a lot of the meaning in this verse.

Beauty like this.. never existed in my mind,
But now you're staring at me.. from a picture frame.
Pacifying my wanderlust.. in this pastel paradise,
Invoking a realm of wonders.. in a marvel of landscape.
---Although wanderlust is a word...I don't like its employment here. Though that's the only thing I really don't like. Oh and maybe "wonders" could be synonymized. BTW...mind/paradise? Sketchy me thinks.

I can't handle these common delicacies,
And everytime I try, I leave another scar.
Lonely years didn't teach the daily intricacies,
Only bleedin' in the dark.. and before you judge me-
---Tagged into the chorus is fun, works well to blend the piece. I think scars are overused in modern music, though it might just be this board, either way I know you can nail a more original image because you've been doin it already :)

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)
---Ehhhh....Yuck. I see what you're trying to do and I appreciate it, but I didn't like it. Too much repetition and angst. :-/

You all say you know a doctor that can help me,
Yet I'm unique.. and you wouldn't want to change that.
This isn't a handicap.. exceptional is what you tell me,
Get all you want.. just to turn on me..
---Eh, I haven't seen the movie in forever, but there are three me's in four lines, clever phrasing can kill that off and I prefer it, but it's your piece.

I'll do anything you say..
And though I was never finished..
You complete my invented heart, (Hold me)
I can't wrap this pain around you.. (Hold me)
I can't, I can't, can't you see!-
---I like it up till line four...I can't see why her completing him leads him to want to wrap his pain around him?

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

(Chorus Extension)
Love returned is simply shear heaven.
Sharing with me.. a real life,
Was something that was never given.
With these less than perfect hands..
---Much better than the rest of the chorus imo. Though I still am not a fan of that last line.

(Bridge)
I'm the snow maker, you're my angel of ice,
Let's dance in the debris.. of an invisible life.
I'll make the winter if you make the lies.
Bring on the heart ache.. that tears up my eyes.
---Best part.

(Chorus)
Try holding in my hands,
These less than perfect hands..
You can never understand!
What I've been subjected to,
Trying not to wreck,
Everything you do,
If you try holding in my hands..
Maybe you would understand..
(This shame... my pain)

These less than perfect hands..
(Hold me)
These less than perfect hands..
If you try holding in my hands..
(This shame... my pain)
(Hold me... hold me)
---meh, repetition.

[Corupt2057]

the meaning of the closer of the first verse is that he's coming down from the castle he has lived in alone for all those years
second verse alright I can already tell you need to see the movie lol but I appreciate your opinions
3rd verse about the scars in the movie he has cut scars all over his face from accidents while he tries to do things
4th verse yeah maybe 3 me's is a little over excessive I'll think of another way to end it or turn it around..
5th stanza he doesn't want to hold her because he wants more than anything than to not bring harm to her ei: accidently cutting her..
last stanza yeah it's my favorite too ;-)
thanks great;y for your compliments and comments I'll work on the me's btw you need to see the movie agian ;-)

[maggotfelon]

I don't wanna waste your time here but I loved it and couldn't find anything wrong with it. Sorry about this waste of time, ****.

[Corupt2057]

lol you]re not wasting my time thanks for taking atleast a second to just say something I appreciate it
btw I'll crit on your Balchony song soon (I haven't seen Sin City yet so I dunno if that is a problem or not)

[Corupt2057]

bump