A new song

[slaughteredfirst]

Alright new song,

its called Blood Stained mind

Hatred turned inward,
Give me a knife,
And I will re-work it outward,
Useless actions condemn you,
To a life of the dark,
Smashed your bodies spiritual being,
Motivated by your little mind,
The blood wrote you death,
The blood ripped from the young ones mind,

Dead, And, Rotted,
A past revived to see no one was looking,
Ignorance burning your soul,
Ignorance branding your mind,

Buried, And, Rotten,
A vile one man,
Lifeless in ones tomb,

Hatred for this world,
Give me a gun and I will re-work my friend,
You traded your soul for fire,
Blood stains marked where you fell,
Your decapitated corpse laid down to rot,
You’re a victim of a hated youth,
A useless youth,
Put down,

Dead, And, Rotted,
A past revived to see no one was looking,
Ignorance burning your soul,
Ignorance branding your mind,

Buried, And, Rotten,
A vile one man,
Lifeless in ones tomb,

You’re useless,
You have been expended,
In death you will be useless,
A unfulfilled purpose,
That never existed,
Your spirit crushed,
By a morbid lust,
Your voice,
A useless sound,
Your presence,
A useless entity,
A savage life laid you down,
And marked where you fell,



Thoughts?

[KCsilvertone]

The first five lines:
"Hatred turned inward,
Give me a knife,
And I will re-work it outward,
Useless actions condemn you,
To a life of the dark, "

those lines had more of an impact one me than the rest of the piece...

"Your decapitated corpse laid down to rot,
You’re a victim of a hated youth,
A useless youth,
Put down,"

That part seemed to get my attention and make me keep reading, if everything you write has one line or one couplet, or stanza, like that...people will read the rest...

"A unfulfilled purpose,"

that should be: "An unfulfilled purpose"

Overall, I like it, though I have read too much of this dreary/dark poetry lately...It is a well-written piece, with a few lines in particualr that made me continue to read it...I noticed there is no rhyme scheme, and it was a good choice not to give this piece a scheme...Structure is good, overall idea is clear...awesome...

Plz crit if you will:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=325727

[brandnewrockfan]

Dude, i's too harsh man. Where is the love?

[mspdr]

Alright new song,

its called Blood Stained mind

Hatred turned inward,
Give me a knife,
And I will re-work it outward,
Useless actions condemn you,
To a life of the dark,
Smashed your bodies spiritual being,
Motivated by your little mind,
The blood wrote you death,
The blood ripped from the young ones mind,

Dead, And, Rotted,
A past revived to see no one was looking,
Ignorance burning your soul,
Ignorance branding your mind,

Buried, And, Rotten,
A vile one man,
Lifeless in ones tomb,

Hatred for this world,
Give me a gun and I will re-work my friend,
You traded your soul for fire,
Blood stains marked where you fell,
Your decapitated corpse laid down to rot,
You’re a victim of a hated youth,
A useless youth,
Put down,

Dead, And, Rotted,
A past revived to see no one was looking,
Ignorance burning your soul,
Ignorance branding your mind,

Buried, And, Rotten,
A vile one man,
Lifeless in ones tomb,

You’re useless,
You have been expended,
In death you will be useless,
A unfulfilled purpose,
That never existed,
Your spirit crushed,
By a morbid lust,
Your voice,
A useless sound,
Your presence,
A useless entity,
A savage life laid you down,
And marked where you fell,



Thoughts?


THAT IS F@#$$%& SWEET throw in a nice heavy bass and guitar + drums with the low Decide/berzerker voice and that would be better than any song ever made IMO

[bassfreak01]

its good but really dark.... i dunno puts me into a bad mood if thats waht ur lookin for than aright but....

[slaughteredfirst]

THAT IS F@#$$%& SWEET throw in a nice heavy bass and guitar + drums with the low Decide/berzerker voice and that would be better than any song ever made IMO


Thanks man, thanks for the good reviews everyone.


Yes it was going for a dark tone and mood.


Its for a death metal band so what do you expect.


Alrigh I will post a recording when we get it done.

[sherbondy]

i liked this song that first stanza really does grab your attention good choice of words