PDA

View Full Version : Jane


Thejorgp
04-08-2005, 10:12 PM
I wrote this song about an ex-girlfriend. Tell me what you think. Her name is not Jane, though. I didn't want to freak her out.

She walks by the shore feeling insecure.
She walks in the store feeling so unsure.
In a second she's gone,
Not knowing where to go.
But she's **** right sure she has it all.
Jane.
But now she's found out her only hope and only way home.
And when she talks on the phone she thinks it's all jokes.
But what she doesn't know is that the world's been sold
But she's **** right sure she has it all.
Jane.
She'll overreact to anything you'll say.
She sits all night long and waits for the call.
But she's just the same.
The same as every single one.
But she's **** right sure she has it all.
Jane.
So she'll walk away from everything that's her fault.
But she'll end up kissing someone else.
Still, she doesn't know that the world's been sold.
But she's **** right sure she has it all.
Jane.
And every thing she wished for will never come true.
Still, she's sure she has it all.
Jane.

brandnewrockfan
04-09-2005, 09:58 AM
Cool Song Man.

KCsilvertone
04-09-2005, 11:58 AM
change the name to a different one please...haha...sio amny songs are about jane nowadays, if you could just find some other name...it would be an awesome piece of writing....I thoroughly enjoyed it...If you want to leave the anme, that is your choice, but it would be more interesting and maybe flow better if you changed it...

anyway
theres my input

plz crit if you find time:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=325727

Biancazzurri
04-09-2005, 01:57 PM
Nice song, don't curse in your songs! And don't repeat the cursings over and over coz that is turn off. How the 'world is sold' thing is connected? Being naive?
I would add the reason or part of reason why she is ex gf, though kissing someone else explains something - couple of times??
If she is sure she has it all then why she is so unsecure?... Paradox... But that could work for me, the question is if it works for you.
The repetition is annoying change it. 6/10

Crit back:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=325729

rockerofnevada
04-10-2005, 08:55 AM
i don't like this song not that i say it sucks but i think you made it a bit too long and need to cut some words out 4/10