!Poem! By me :P

[SaM_tHe_DrUmMeR]

New poem , just comment on it, I need feedback...tell me if I could change parts.

Untitled

Beneath your skin, your lies grow
Under the lies, deep down low
You see a heart, broken now
Beaten down with words somehow

Stabbing heart to pour it out
Blood falls inside your hideout
The place you hid for so long
The place you think, you belong

For days and days you would stay
Without peeking, there you lay
On dust and dirt you sat low
Never thought about where you'd go

Lost, no love, no life nor light
No eyes, no sight,just black and white
Starve to death, and wait to die
Stop to breathe,and say goodbye

[Thejorgp]

Is it really named " Untitled" or do you not have a title for it? It's kinda hard to figure out the over all meaning of it, at least that's what I think. But it rhymes very good. Just one question man, did you write this about an ex-girlfriend?

[KCsilvertone]

I like the last stanza in particular:

"Lost, no love, no life nor light
No eyes, no sight,just black and white
Starve to death, and wait to die
Stop to breathe,and say goodbye"

Very good rhyming, I could not have come up with such a clever second line in that one...rhyming "ight" words three times in two lines brings this stanza together very well....

Overall...I like the idea of things, although I am not very clear of what it is about, liek the previous poster...I also think you should come up with a name for it that suits it well...I write untitled pieces all the time, just read through it a few times and make a title that you think is right for it....

Plz crit if you will:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=325727

[alastair_85]

Overall i thought this was a very nicely written song/poem. The last stanza in particular was very well written.

Lost, no love, no life nor light
No eyes, no sight,just black and white

An excellent couple of lines. Good work.

Overall the piece has good flow and a consistent meter, although a title would deninitely help to decipher the meaning (a wee bit too ambiguous at the minute i think).

Good job overall, 8/10

[Havelock]

Good stuff. The last stanza is particularly good, and the overall rythm, rhyming and content is good. 7.9/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Beneath your skin, your lies grow
Under the lies, deep down low
You see a heart, broken now
Beaten down with words somehow

--Your lies grow under the lies? That seems utterly stupid and meaningless. Perhaps a word like, I don't know, surface? Yeah that might work. Your second "couplet" (if you can even call it that) seemed like you were unsure of what you were writing, due to the somehow you put in. Don't force a word just to make a rhyme, especially with such horrible lines.

Stabbing heart to pour it out
Blood falls inside your hideout
The place you hid for so long
The place you think, you belong

--This made me throw up. What were you thinking? The poem is so disconnected and idiotic it makes me feel like I'm reading an LD kid's creative writing. What you are basically doing is bringing the whole thing in circles, except there are stops along the way at places like "Worn Out Imagery Square" and "Complete Logic Disconnect Station". Work on trying to not force out rhymes and maybe finding an actual topic under all this horrid imagery.

For days and days you would stay
Without peeking, there you lay
On dust and dirt you sat low
Never thought about where you'd go

--This shows a little bit of development in plot and setting, but you still force rhymes. Try and expand on the ideas you had in here without giving up substance to try and make lines rhyme. It was a small glint of light on an otherwise crappy song.

Lost, no love, no life nor light
No eyes, no sight,just black and white
Starve to death, and wait to die
Stop to breathe,and say goodbye.

--If you have no eyes, there can't be black and white, just black. Hence the reason you can't see in the first place. If you starve to death, you are already dead, you don't need to wait to die. And then you stop starving to breathe? If you stopped starving that would mean you'd have eaten something, because if you were breathing, you'd still be starving. Really, maybe just run through this a second time, and write with the OTHER end of the pencil (what I mean by that, is the eraser).

This song will either become a run on gag reference or an inside joke. Try harder next time.

.5/10

[Havelock]

A_Perfect_Sonnet: Is whinging the only thing you can do? So what if some of it doesn't make sense, what matters is that it sounds good. It's stupid, pedantic morons like you that make this world the violent and horrible place it is today.

Try to find something nice to say that balances out your vitriolic and abusive verbal diahroea. Otherwise, I suggest you put your head back up your *** and shut your mouth.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

You found me out Mr Bush. It is I who have all the WMD's (and Osama) in my basement. Fox News was sooooooo right. I'm the cause of all the violence in hatred that was ever caused in the world. I think I'll go turn myself into the police RIGHT NOW!

You gave the dumbest crit I've ever seen, and you choose to insult my critiquing style? If the kid wanted to get his *** licked by a bunch of morons who don't know anything about songwriting or get this, COHERENT IDEAS, he shouldn't have come here. That seemed to be what you ****tards were doing though, so I decided to give him my advice. My other advice to the thread starter would be take my crit with a grain of salt, and look for the actual advice in it. Most of my insults are just to please the people with a sense of humor, not to make you feel bad.

As to you, Havelock, seeing how you aren't one of the people who takes sarcasm very lightly: Maybe you should stop being such a martyr for things that don't have anything to do with you. If you think I haven't had other complete imbeciles like you try and pull out all the big words they know and sound smart to try and make me stop my "whinging", you obvious haven't been here very long. Well, nevermind, you've been here what? 2 days? Congratulations, you've just appointed yourself S&L's new "Self Righteous Faggot Who Thinks Everything He Does Is So Heroic and Saintly But In The End Still Doesn't Change ****." Idiots like you belong behind the counter at a McDonalds, not trying to stand up for people who wouldn't get ANY honest critiquing if it weren't for me.

P.S. I can't wait to see your reply, it will probably go something like this:
"omg lolz ur such a moron i waz jay kaying, LOLZ! dunt take tha intneret sooo sieorusly!!!! LOZL!"

[Havelock]

Or not. You don't have a sense of humor, you're just and arrogant bastard. I do take sarcasm lightly, but you're just coming across as some idiot who thinks he's a great poetic genius who is totally untochable by anyone. You don't need bloody masters degrees to write good lyrics, and coherence is optional. If you want plot, setting and all that I suggest you write yourself a novel.

Your reply was predictable. I didn't say that you personally were the cause of violence and suffering, but that people with personalities and attitudes like yours cause violence (ie; when you talk like that to people, they are overcome with an urge to crush your head in a vice). As to taking your critique with a grain of salt, what the hell else are they supposed to take it with, nitric acid?! You only gave one, and I hesitate to call it a compliment, in your whole tirade, and it was easily lost within the effluent which surrounded it.

As to your comments about my intelligence and word choice, I have this to say: I have quite a high intelligence quotient, around the 145 mark, would never work in McDonalds because I know the horrible effects it has on the human body, and I know a hell of a lot more big words. If you would like a list of them, read the Oxford English Dictionary, you overdeveloped single celled cro-magnon.

PS: I can't wait to see your reply, it will probably be something like this; "You're so dead, nobody calls ME an overenveloped signal bell crow-magnet!"

PPS: This is my last word on the subject.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I like how people would rather recycle my insults then come up with new ones :rolleyes:. Since my IQ is around 135 or so, I'd say we're on a basically level playing field, but someone with your intelligence should know when he's reading complete garbage. You didn't even give the kid advice, you basically wiped his anus for him and didn't even give him a real justification as to what you did like. I know how arrogant it was of me to point out major logical flaws in his song, and I apologize. The fact that you even decided to reply shows that you obviously needed to prove something to me, and by doing so only fullfilling your role as S&L's new "Self Righteous Faggot Who Thinks Everything He Does Is So Heroic and Saintly But In The End Still Doesn't Change ****." Stop complaining and start giving good advice and maybe you wouldn't look like such a pretensious nerd.

[SaM_tHe_DrUmMeR]

Euh... so thanks for the comments?

Listen, some of you's might thing this is total ****, and some of you's might think it's good. But I do NOT write poems often, and I always have trouble finding words to describe my feeling you know? But sometimes you just write what comes to your head. And no I don't have the best mark in english class, or I don't go writing big essay's ,stories and poems everyday. I wrote this trying to get things outs, maybe get unstressed at that time? .... I mean sure there isn't any big words or big meaning to it but it's all I could give :P

And for the title, don't worry guys, it's not acctualy "Untitled" ... it just means I haven't found a title for it yet!