Punch Drunk

[Pirate Satellite]

I've made some changes. Like I said, I didn't like the chorus, so it got the axe. It's a reggae song now, because there's no need for a rock chorus. Thank you to those who have already critted.

[Verse A]
Revolution was exploding
In the disco reggae scene.
That smoker that you call your lover
Was on the corner packing heat
Riding that retribution train
He carved these blues into my chest
To avoid all lingual lacerations
and stereophonic acid tests.
So hold your tongue, I’ll hold my head
between my hands and contemplate
The cold futility of looking back
On that brick, ranch-style estate.
Have we been trained to be this two-faced?
In suburban heart-attack towns
Feeling the lagging half-a-second
Between perception and the now.

[Verse B]
And I thought young fugitives like me
Love making clean escapes with pretty girls like you
And then the evidence for the existence
Of anything was casually disproved.
…but you were un-amused by these simple truths.


[Verse A]
We traveled west through winter wastelands
With the sun against our back
There’ll be no rest until the shoreline
Where we can fill our shoes with sand.
The waves only sound stronger now
Ebbing and flowing like a radar
Stars came to life in its reflection
As though the depth would be our savior
I can feel the ocean still
When your tongue hits the roof of your mouth
And the air fills with the hissing
Of a perfect vowel sound.
We have become too silent in our apathy
To pull against the undertow
Between the darkness of the forest
And that skyline you call home

[Verse B]
I thought the revolution’s in the numbers
Be sure to supply them with a written proof
Of how we climbed the tree of life and kept on digging
Until we found its ancient roots.
…but we were so confused about how the seeds grew.

We’re not going down tonight!
We’re not going down tonight!
We’re not going down tonight…

[peaveyrules]

Hmmm, I actually enjoyed this. It seemed a little forced at times, however it did flow pretty well. Yes, I would agree that the chorus seems to be a bit "shallow" compared to the rest of the song. It's not bad, but your writing surrounding the chorus is a bit more technical, then the chorus just seems to be too simple, wouldn't really fit with the rest in my opinion. I can hear this song being played in my head, definetly a good Ska tune, just work on the chorus and keep the rest!

[ToxicFerret5489]

Well. I'd say the first verse A blows the rest of this one away personally. I'll nitpick on the second verse A and say that the 'Ebbing and flowing like a radar" line is a bit awkward, as radar duesnt really ebb or flow, it sort of pulses, and as a noun it would be 'ebbing and flowing like radar' instead of 'a radar'. That sort of jumped out at me for no particular reason.

Now for the chorus... the whole tonight/fight thing has gotta go. I've used that way too many times myself, in fact I think ive used 'comin out of nowhere like a fist fight' or something very similar before. The 'We're not goin down tonight' oughtta stay, as it fits well in the outtro and sounds nice in the chorus. THe second half of the chorus, while not as complex as the rest of thesong, fits nicely and the rhyme isnt too overdone.

All in all, I like this a lot. I'm a bit of a fan of your stuff, it's got a certain style to it. Keep up the good work in other words. If you've got the time, would you take a quick look at The Anthem of Armageddon? I havent been around here much lately so everyone's ignorng it and i know theres gotta be something i can change in it.