Challenge 85 - Thrive - Voting

[DFelon204409]

Corupt2057
Scarred4Life
A Perfect Sonnet
Rushfan2112
DiscoDragon
DFelon204409
zeppelinfan2k3
Might Morphin Power Ranger

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Not many entries this time around.
This was a hard round to vote on, a lot of the entries were really close.

Corupt2057 - 1
Scarred4Life - 4
A Perfect Sonnet fears STD's.
Rushfan2112 - 6
DiscoDragon - 5
DFelon204409 - 3
zeppelinfan2k3 - 2
Might Morphin Power Ranger - 7

My bad about Cyto, voting fixed.

[DFelon204409]

dude, cyto didn't use the word thrive.

[Scarred4Life]

6.Corupt2057--In general, I wasnt too keen on this song. I couldnt find a real rhythm or flow and I just cant hear it in my head. I felt that your first stanza was rather awkward. However, your 4th stanza was excellent. If you kept the good bits and got rid of the average bits I think it'd be a lot better. 7.2/10

Scarred4Life

7.A Perfect Sonnet--Hmm.....I honestly didnt feel like this was a song at all. It as decent abstract poetry, but not lyrics. It wasn't bad by any means but....I wasnt feeling much flow here. I did like the line "I'll bring the sob stories, you bring the wine" but nothing else stood out for me. 7/10

4.Rushfan2112--This song had very good flow, but in my opinion, other than the last stanza, lacked any real stand-out lines. None of it seemed to quite paint the picture you were intending. Sometimes, it is better to throw in some pretty words, and in this case I would. 7.7/10

1.DiscoDragon--I have always liked your songs DD, and this one is as good as any. I thought th imagery here was excellent, and the flow was nice and smooth. Well done 8.6/10

5.DFelon204409--My usual comment for your songs:too many big words that seemed to be there for their own sake, without really helping the song. I couldnt pick up a flow here and could never really get into this. Im sure someone here will love it and give you first, but it isnt my cup of tea. 7.3/10

2.zeppelinfan2k3--
3.Might Morphin Power Ranger

Ill post my votes/crits in a bit.

[Permanent Solution]

5 - Corupt2057 - Very flowy. Some good passages which work well within themselves to create good imagery. Your structure bothers me a lot though. Your haphazard rhyme schemes work well within each verse to create flow, but disrupt the overall flow of the piece because of the irregularity. A lot of your stuff works well standalone in this piece, but as a whole it doesn't work nearly as well. I think another thing that bothered me was how much you talked about progression of time in the piece, while it seemed stuck in one time and on one thought itself the whole time.
6 - Scarred4Life - A few places your extra syllable on a line ruins your flow, but otherwise your short line abcb works well enough. I like your use of Spanish early on, but the lack of its incorporation is a disappointment. I didn't like fear/seer, it seemed to clash more than flow. I do like your italicized and normal font separation, the two pieces you create using that are distinct but work well within one another.
7 - A Perfect Sonnet - Very similar to many of your pieces, you need to branch out a little more topically. Seems more a story than song lyrics imo, but the story is told pretty well. Your lack of any real flow to the piece bothered me a bit though, I have trouble picturing it as anything except more free verse prose.
2 - Rushfan2112 - Living/fighting doesn't rhyme. Otherwise you stick to your rhyme scheme well, but it's important to be consistent too. For the most part, it flows pretty well, but there are a few times your lines are very long winded and it seems it'd be a bit hard to get them all out. I liked your structure change appearing right when the opinion does, it makes it more effective. Tells a story well and has good progression. Diction is maybe a little more simplistic than I prefer. Imagery is maybe a little less vivid due to that.
1 - DiscoDragon - Your structure is all over the place. Despite that, each stanza holds an internal flow well, though the overall piece remains much more difficult to grasp. Very complex piece. Lots of nice little devices thrown in all over the place to boost the piece. Your images jump around a lot though and lack great cohesion in places.
3 - DFelon204409 - Your first stanza drops off in a way I'm not a fan of. Within a stanza it doesn't bother me as much, but dropping off at the end of a stanza (without going into a chorus or something) doesn't sit well with me. You tell the story well. Pretty poetic, a different sort of flow, but a flow is present. It progresses well.
zeppelinfan2k3 - Cool cat.
4 - Might Morphin Power Ranger - Already critted more in depth in S&L

When does this close?

[Corupt2057]

Corupt2057 gave APS an STD

Scarred4Life -
This had a real rockin' tone to it and flowed very well reminded me alot of 3 Doors Down's style. The imagery was decent not too little not too much just perfect for the piece in my opinion. The only real gripe that I have is where you carried it in the ending and where the flow just got torn away at the end 2nd from last stanza.. overall I really liked it, til the ending.
Rank 3
7.7/10

A Perfect Sonnet -
Honestly this song/poem/story appeals as fictional but is very creative. There are quiet a few lines that stood out to me and this carries alot of emotion in it.The ending was too simple compared to the elegance of all the other lines but really I'm not going to hold that agianst you because you said exactly what you wanted too.
Rank 2
8.2/10

Rushfan2112 -
Ok imagery is good but the wording at first was decent then got bad when I got to a forced rhyme. This actually did have a good flow til the middle then bit. When I was reading through this when you delivered the twist I almost hated you for it until I got to the end. I thought it was really brilliant (the ending) but however I'm still indecisive about the whole role reversal in the theme...
Rank 5
6.6/10

DiscoDragon -
I distinctly remember you critiqueing one of my songs and saying that you hate rhyming songs... maybe you have changed your postion recently because you because a fvcking rapper in this piece
"Zen can’t win when an ill will kills
And the spills from the blood of my conscience fills
The space lacking guilt that can’t ever be rebuilt"
There is so much inner rhyme in that stanza it just kills me (in a good way cause I'll admit I like it ;-) ) besides that I usaually always like your pieces but I was a little bit distracted in this one because all the rhyming. however I liked it because of all the logical connections you kept running with as I do in my songs. However I won't hold this agianst you at all, but I'm actually worried about the vocal delivery of it because ever other word hits in a rhyme or inner rhyme and is just like bam bam bam resulting in subtle sudden pauses to emphasize it or in other common words 'rapping'
Rank 4
7.6/10

DFelon204409 -
This actually picked up a flow midway ending perhaps because I either started reading faster because I was forcing myself to finish it or you stopped delivering the 'bigger words'. Don't get me wrong I love words and I love the meaning of them all but I really don't think alot of them together can fit and work together in a song because they just confuse the meaning with perplexing the listener or either killing the melody. This also was very non-linear you described too much of other things this song brached off like a fvcking tree..
Rank 7
4.5/10

zeppelinfan2k3 -
I liked the imagery then you ran off in a deep rambling rant. Don't get me wrong I liked the wording in some lines and the way you expressed it but like I said 'rambling rants' when that crap begun you killed the imagery and threw everything into oblivion I was like of what the fvck where was this going. yeah I'm being blunt ;-) but you killed it (for me atleast)
Rank 6
5.2/10

Might Morphin Power Ranger -
Honestly I was dreading reading one of your songs because how they usually are but holy shlt this was fvcking great all except for the title I should slap you for that crap. I really liked how the beat around the bush on everything in this and let me do a little thinking but wasn't too hard to figure out. No lines here really stood out to me or mteaphors it was the meaning behind it all that fvcking ripped me from my seat. The ending was a great one what a grabber. I really liked this, but if you don't change the title I might as well just kill you bltch.
Rank 1
9.3/10

I'll rank and rate the rest later but I'm sure you'll get enough off the crits too wanna kick me in the face

[Disco Dragon]

I apologize for the lateness of my crits. And after re-reading all of the entries, I have made a couple of changes in my rankings.


1) Scarred4Life – First of all, welcome back. Another song that seems to revolve mostly around a funeral. I like how you took what could be just an ordinary gripe about life being nothing about a pathway to death, and actually making it into somewhat of a prayer. But what I REALLY like is that its almost as if you know that this “prayer” is hopeless, which is made even more interesting because it’s basically a prayer FOR the hopeless. Nothing seemed to be forced on me, it was more or less just laid out there for me to see.

2) Corupt2057 – I have always had a soft spot for people who are good at incorporating internal rhymes without making it sound lame. So hooray for you on that one. However, some of the other rhyming lines bothered me, for the fact that a couple of those lines didn’t necessarily add anything to the song. They were there for filler it seemed. But rhyming aside, I found myself in love with half the song, and felt lukewarm about the other half. Where you really shined was on the “Help me” stanza. That “blanket of bliss" line is golden.

3) APS – A very interesting look at a very morbid/beautiful subject. The reason I say morbid/beautiful is because I’m not sure whether you’re talking about a funeral or a wedding. Or possibly both. Maybe that’s what intrigues me about this so much. I can look at this on different levels, but still get something good from it. The only fault I could find was that your word choice sometimes constricted the ideas, leaving little room to expand upon them. But oddly enough, one of the things I enjoyed most about this piece was that you used tidbits of what could be considered dialogue to move the song forward. Those were the parts I liked the most. It was the other stuff that seemed a bit constricted at times.

4) DFelon – Holy camoly there are a lot of metaphors in this. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good, but it just seemed like they were flying from every which direction. I really liked that you made the connections between Mark/his wife to Heracles/the hydra. Although I don’t know much about Greek mythology, I wouldn’t really need to in order to understand the connections here. So I’ll give you much kudos for the thought put behind it. However, your wording is so awkward that it reads more like a biography/monologue than a song. It’s not even the mythological/scientific references that bothered me, those held their weight enough throughout the first stanza to make for a sound introduction. It was just the persistent narrative that almost seemed to force itself upon me, making it seem like I was reading a memoir, not a song. But your content in itself was so strong, that I feel it redeemed this for the most part.

5) Mighty Morphin – First of all, I think you did a nice job of coming up with something new, or at least as far as perspectives are concerned. Generally, if anything is being said in a song about a homeless person, it’s usually just a quick line or two to describe the surroundings. You were able to write a song focusing just on one man’s view of the homeless and make it interesting to read. But the last stanza bugs me. Prior to that stanza, you say “And the story’s almost over.” But I think you should have taken out the word “almost”, because as far as I’m concerned, that’s where the song should have ended. The first two lines in that stanza seem useless to me, except that you needed to use the challenge word somewhere. The last line is only mildly interesting, because it uses the turnaround method of saying “hey, what if it was me that was the homeless guy?” Still, there wasn’t enough build up to it to make it redeemable. But that aside, I still enjoyed it.

6) Zeppelinfan – As I previously stated in Corupt’s crit, I have a soft spot for internal rhyming. The same is true for alliteration. If you can pull it off without it sounding awkward and/or obligatory, then I will give you praise. But if it IS awkward and/or obligatory, then I will punch you in the gonads. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Unfortunately, your metaphorical testicles will be quite sore after reading this. I point to the third stanza as where this shows itself the most. “Of a psyche psychotically satiated” – this seems superfluously saturated. (Sorry, my inner-asshole was let out for a moment). But that was the only stanza that seemed a little outlandish as far as the alliteration was concerned. And actually, the idea behind the song was neat. I like the subliminal feuding that’s occurring with the person in your song. Reads a bit like it was inspired by Fight Club, perhaps?

7) Rushfan2112 – This seems a little bit too lackadaisical for my liking. Even though this song is supposed to represent your own personal paradise, I still feel like there wasn’t enough moving the song forward. Even when you turned from liking to hating the beach, it still felt like there wasn’t any real emotion showing through. Although it was quite refreshing to read a somewhat upbeat song amidst all of the depression, it still lacked the poetic touch. Although I will say that I thought the conclusion of this song was very well done, and I liked the wording that you used.



EDIT: Made final change to rankings.

[Rushfan2112]

I've gotta say guys, between the two competitions I've judged and been in, this one was the closest IMO, good stuff all around...

Corrupt2057
Not to fond of the opening line, too much rhyming...Other than that, insanely good. I really enjoyed reading this one.
8.5/10
1st

Scarred4Life
Solid was the word that come to mind for me when reading this, it's ok, doesn't stand out to me really, and it doesn't set itself apart from other songs I've read before...no zest I suppose...
6.5
6th

A Perfect Sonnet
Pretty good, very little (if any) rhyming, and I'm one to look for rhyming in lyrics, it's what make lyrics...lyrics to me
And I wouldn't put money on the migrane and hangover canceling eachother out
7/10
4th

Disco Dragon
Same problem a few others, I don't like the "zen/win /ill/will/kills" Too much rhyming for me little head...
What's with all the songs about getting drunk!
6.5/10
7th

Dfelon
No rhyming, who saw that coming? I like the seperate story ideas though, very interesting to read.
7.5/10
3rd

Zepplinfan
I like the usage of big words...very nice....message here to, indeed this is good
8/10
2nd

Mighty Morph...
The rhyming baffles me, as it is inconsistant (or non existant) throughout, confused as to the meaning, but not horrible by any means...
7/10
5th

There ya go, again guys, thanks for extending it another day there...

Now, don't throw me out for using the crits "no rhyming" and "too much rhyming"...I mean that when I say it! lol