[Insert Catchy Title Here] please crit

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

yeah really need a name, help please.

oh yeah critique while your at it


Your touch brought ambiguous chills, but your eyes kept me here. I lose myself in your embrace, for it is the closest feeling I’ve had. This thrill is surreal, but that is love, so they say. Shower you with presents but they fall like hail. Thousands of compliments plug your ears. But those beautiful beacons you call eyes fell upon another. Hopelessly feeling your touch slip away, only the pain of the glass is left. But I will squeeze it until it pierces my recently hardened skin. This wasn’t in the book. Pain wasn’t of the plan. Why must your eyes shine on him, to constantly light his face in the night? He’s wearing my happiness. The ice thickens and leaves me here forever envying the lost. Am I thawing or has the numb driven me mad? I’m no longer frozen just stunned by a new beauty. Her touch is not like yours, but I’m positive its warmth. Incinerate the book, new emotions need no instructions. This reminds me not of you, but of a feeling never felt. Is that rain or tears? I was busying losing myself in her eyes. Your dampened eyes tell tales of betrayal. I will hold her ever tighter just to mock you. You misfortune brightens my perfection. Love is art, more than paint or words. You’ve a showcase of fallen masterpieces.

[Electric Riley]

Your touch brought ambiguous chills, but your eyes kept me here. I lose myself in your embrace, for it is the closest feeling I’ve had.

Closest feeling to what?

This thrill is surreal, but that is love, so they say. Shower you with presents but they fall like hail. Thousands of compliments plug your ears.

Plug is such an ugly word, don't you think?

But those beautiful beacons you call eyes fell upon another. Hopelessly feeling your touch slip away, only the pain of the glass is left. But I will squeeze it until it pierces my recently hardened skin.

Suddenly turned emo?

This wasn’t in the book. Pain wasn’t of the plan. Why must your eyes shine on him, to constantly light his face in the night? He’s wearing my happiness. The ice thickens and leaves me here forever envying the lost. Am I thawing or has the numb driven me mad? I’m no longer frozen just stunned by a new beauty. Her touch is not like yours, but I’m positive its warmth. Incinerate the book, new emotions need no instructions. This reminds me not of you, but of a feeling never felt. Is that rain or tears? I was busying losing myself in her eyes. Your dampened eyes tell tales of betrayal. I will hold her ever tighter just to mock you. You misfortune brightens my perfection. Love is art, more than paint or words. You’ve a showcase of fallen masterpieces.

I love it. Good work. You should have tried to break it into a couple of paragraphs though, make it easier to read. The is a very unique tiwst on a fairly clichéd topic. You've pulled it off well. Names, names...

"Love - Fallen Masterpiece"

"Monogamous Hell"

"Stunned by a New Beauty"

I don't know, I'm not very good at this. Anyway, 8.5/10 from moi. Can you Please crit mine if you have time. It's called "Universal Factor".

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Thanks alot! I like those names, i might use one of the first two, the last one doesnt really catch me. but thanks for the crit!

[Like Starscream]

9/10 because I love you so much.

And because the lyrics are good.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Thanks Neal, your always so informative....

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

bump

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

come on 55 looks and 2 crits? thats sad people...

[factor46]

very nice writing. can't critique it really. it's very descriptive and i dont think i would change it. the only thing is, is that it's pretty long to be used in a music piece. but maybe that's not what you were going for. either way, nice job. :D 8.8/10

[Txus]

Good writing man , but you shoudl separate it by stanzas or something but you really know how to manage descrptions and stuff like that i like it 8/10! :thumb:

KEEP GOING!

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thanks txus

[Fonder4Fan4Ever]

Factor46 your a dumbass just becuz you like short songs doesnt mean everyone does. Plus its only like, a ****ing prapgraph long wtf? THATS long? you must be used to simple little punk songs consisting of 2 sentences of lyrics "Anarchy is the way, let it come and let it stay". Your crit is useless.

As for the song it was fine just i recommend in the future breaking it up into an easier to read format. 8/10

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

haha thanks, dont worry factor, im a fan of your work and i knew what you ment

[factor46]

Factor46 your a dumbass just becuz you like short songs doesnt mean everyone does. Plus its only like, a ****ing prapgraph long wtf? THATS long? you must be used to simple little punk songs consisting of 2 sentences of lyrics "Anarchy is the way, let it come and let it stay". Your crit is useless.

As for the song it was fine just i recommend in the future breaking it up into an easier to read format. 8/10

f.uck you. punk sucks. my work is original.


...sorry for spammin your thread voodoo. your piece is worth staying on the first page anyways.

[Daven]

is this a story or a song?
but either way its great

[WaitingForSomething]

i liked this, very descriptive. the only thing id say to do is seperate into stanza's, but you dont have to if you like it the way it is. good job

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thanks all posts

[DoubtingVada]

I like this kind of writing
I don't know if this is a song, or prose, or what .... but it's a good read. You got skills :p

I know ... helpful, eh? ^

[Sword2020]

yeah really need a name, help please.

oh yeah critique while your at it


Your touch brought ambiguous chills, but your eyes kept me here. I lose myself in your embrace, for it is the closest feeling I’ve had. This thrill is surreal, but that is love, so they say. Shower you with presents but they fall like hail. Thousands of compliments plug your ears. But those beautiful beacons you call eyes fell upon another. Hopelessly feeling your touch slip away, only the pain of the glass is left. But I will squeeze it until it pierces my recently hardened skin. This wasn’t in the book. Pain wasn’t of the plan. Why must your eyes shine on him, to constantly light his face in the night? He’s wearing my happiness. The ice thickens and leaves me here forever envying the lost. Am I thawing or has the numb driven me mad? I’m no longer frozen just stunned by a new beauty. Her touch is not like yours, but I’m positive its warmth. Incinerate the book, new emotions need no instructions. This reminds me not of you, but of a feeling never felt. Is that rain or tears? I was busying losing myself in her eyes. Your dampened eyes tell tales of betrayal. I will hold her ever tighter just to mock you. You misfortune brightens my perfection. Love is art, more than paint or words. You’ve a showcase of fallen masterpieces.

Change that word to busy, it looks like a typo. Overall, this is great. My only beef with it is the emo-ish cutting yourself part, but it doesn't have to go. Really great work, and if you wouldn't mind critting my poem, Lost, I would be very appreciative.

-Sword

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

haha **** i didnt mean it as a cutting refrence, i just meant the anger made fist clenching, i should probably reword that. Thanks Alot! very helpful crit