Swimming in a Straitjacket

[Corupt2057]

:::Revised 1:00PM Monday March 29:::

This conversation is too familiar..
I think I've heard this before.
Maybe it's my own deja vu,
But I think you're telling me,
I've already lost you.

I always lose my train of thought,
Getting derailed on these emotional tracks.
When I try and open my mouth,
Nothing comes out, my voice only cracks.

(Chorus)
The weights on these sleeves,
Form the mold of heart lockets.
I'm feeling as confined,
as the pride in my pockets.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
I'm withdrawn,
This worlds caused it.

Our every relationship carried a pendant,
It's what treasured the love that we shared.
Another heart to place on my sleeve.
And who am I to think.. you ever really cared.

And everytime another of you leaves me,
I find it easier approaching this edge.
And if you could see me now,
Would you see the tears I've shed.

(Chorus)
The weights on these sleeves,
Form the mold of heart lockets.
I'm feeling as confined,
as the pride in my pockets.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
I'm withdrawn,
This worlds caused it.

(Chorus Extension)
The breath that escapes,
Floats to the surface.
Of the world that's caused it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.

Hopeless romantics pick petals from this world.
My garden in a bed of thorns.
When maybe they do,
Happens rarely anymore.
And when maybe they don't,
hurts more than the sore.

(Chorus)
The weights on these sleeves,
Form the mold of heart lockets.
I'm feeling as confined,
as the pride in my pockets.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
I'm withdrawn,
This worlds caused it.

No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.

[POOSTAIN]

This conversation is too familiar..
I remember this from another time.
Maybe it's my own deja vu,
But I think your telling me,
I've already lost you.

I always lose my train of thought,
It gets derailed on these emotional tracks.
When I try and open my mouth,
Nothing comes out, my voice only cracks.

I'm sorry but the tracks and cracks rhyme sounds a little forced. Try "my words are attacked" or something, a word that's a little less obvious.


(Chorus)
The weights on these sleeves,
Form the mold of heart lockets.
I'm feeling as confined,
as the pride in my pockets.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
I'm withdrawn,
from the world that's caused it.

Our every relationship carried a pendant,
Treasuring the love that we shared.
It's another heart to place on my sleeve.
Their not worth fixing.. they can't be repaired.

I like the running theme of heart lockets throughout the song. It keeps it tied together.


And everytime another of you leaves me,
I get closer to the brink that's been tottering.
And if you could see me under this ocean,
Why can't you see my eyes watering.

Again with the rhyme. I'm only half-sure that tottering is even a word. It makes it too obvious you were just trying to find a word to rhyme with watering.


This bridge is a little gloomy on this foggy night.
I find myself standing on the edge that caves in on me,
Wearing the seperations that counter my weight,
and send me falling into the river that buries me.

The breath from my nose,
Floats to the surface.
Of the world that's caused it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.

Now the stanza right there I really liked. How a part of the chorus is used like that. It just hit me as a good idea.


The world's a'garden full of hopeless romantics,
Picking petals from a flower basket.
Taking chances at for better or worse,
in some cases their own restraining casket.


Try replacing restraining with confining or constraining. That word just interupts the flow a little bit. I did see the wedding metaphor in there. That's an interesting way to say it.

All in all I have to say could use some more work. Then again, it could sound perfect as is with the music, some lyrics are like that. From just reading it I'll give it a 6.5/10

[Corupt2057]

I'm sorry but the tracks and cracks rhyme sounds a little forced. Try "my words are attacked" or something, a word that's a little less obvious. it actually goes along with the idea behind it that he's so upset over the whole ordeal he can't even say anything.. I appreciate it but I'll leave it as is

I like the running theme of heart lockets throughout the song. It keeps it tied together.yeah I wanted to keep that a constant image, heart lockets hanging from the sleeves of the straitjacket

Again with the rhyme. I'm only half-sure that tottering is even a word. It makes it too obvious you were just trying to find a word to rhyme with watering.
that was actually a mistake when I saw your comment on this I ran back through my notepad and looked at what I had written down
and I write like chicken scratch anyways it was suppose to be trotting transfer error
"I get closer to the brink I've been trotting" why trotting? because it the sound matches the mood and also invokes the indecision at that point in the song, shadowing that jumping off the edge, he's been thinking of it before


Now the stanza right there I really liked. How a part of the chorus is used like that. It just hit me as a good idea.appreciate it ;-)

Try replacing restraining with confining or constraining. That word just interupts the flow a little bit. I did see the wedding metaphor in there. That's an interesting way to say it.Hmm I'll try on some other words I see what you mean constraining would work but I'm just not feeling it

All in all I have to say could use some more work. Then again, it could sound perfect as is with the music, some lyrics are like that. From just reading it I'll give it a 6.5/10

[Corupt2057]

bump..

[Corupt2057]

bump...

[RollerQueen]

Peanut bumper and jelly?

Nota bene morrissey's user title: "You're" in that first stanza. "Your" is a possessive term. "They're" in the second version, same reason. Question mark in the last line of the second verse. "Separations" in the third. I don't know why you put "a'garden" but just replace the apostrophe with a space.

As for the content and style and general opinion, this sounds not unlike much of the death poetry and lyrics on here. I'll give you credit for the title; it's witty and effective. It's clear that you put more effort into this that the average forum-goer, but even the added chutzpah doesn't make this stick out to me in any particular place. The imagery is alright and, the rhyme scheme... You should know my feelings on rhyme schemes. I do like the first verse, and it reminds me of "Pinch Me" by the Barenaked Ladies, so that's a plus. Ultimately, the emotional appeal that you're aiming for isn't strong enough to make an impact. Just keep writing. :)

[white_riot]

I really liked the first stanza, i liked the ryhming throughout the song and I thought it was pretty good overall. 8/10

[factor46]

im a big fan of short lyrics....and this by no means was short. but it was good. i liked the title the best. :D

[Corupt2057]

RollerQueen thanks I'm a grammatical catastrophe and I work outta notepad so it doesn't catch those things for me I'll haveta start checking more closely before I post my work. Yeah and this was just an idea I had to get outta my head in no means did I ever see it being a masterpiece but I think it will turn into a decent rock song ;-)

[Nightvision]

This conversation is too familiar..
I remember this from another time.
Maybe it's my own deja vu,
But I think you're telling me,
I've already lost you.

Urrgh, slightly dodgy rhyme scheme. vu/you isn't good sounding.

I always lose my train of thought,
It gets derailed on these emotional tracks.
When I try and open my mouth,
Nothing comes out, my voice only cracks.

see above - tracks/cracks this time. Nice train imagery

(Chorus)
The weights on these sleeves,
Form the mold of heart lockets.
I'm feeling as confined,
as the pride in my pockets.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
I'm withdrawn,
from the world that's caused it.
"feeling as confined,as the pride in my pockets." is a bit bleh... not good imagery there. Nice second half though - very uncertain feeling.

Our every relationship carried a pendant,
Treasuring the love that we shared.
It's another heart to place on my sleeve.
They're not worth fixing.. they can't be repaired.

line 3 is excellent - really good imagery. :) in fact, this is a pretty **** good stanza.

And everytime another of you leaves me,
I get closer to the brink I've been trotting.
And if you could see me under this ocean,
Why can't you see my eyes watering.

"I get closer to the brink I've been trotting." - whaaa?
didn't like this stanza at all... knock it on the head.

The bridge is a little gloomy on this foggy night.
I find myself standing on the edge that caves in on me,
Wearing the separations that counter my weight,
and send me falling into the river that buries me.

Hmmm - this is tailing off... I'd really consider knocking the last two stanzas into oblivion.

The breath from my nose,
Floats to the surface.
Of the world that's caused it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.

'breath from your nose' is bizarre imagery. I'd say change that.

The world's a garden full of hopeless romantics,
Picking petals from a flower basket.
Taking chances at for better or worse,
in some cases their own straitening casket.

THAT'S BETTER! I was starting to worry you'd lost it.

No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.
and I'm afraid to admit..
I think I have lost it.

Nice ending, adds to the uncertainty.

Overall:
This is ok. You'll find out with time, I am honest to a fault. I'm not one of those hard-*** critters who slag everyone as crap, but I'm no butt-kisser either. What you have here is just above average. There are some excellent pieces of imagery in here, but a large quantity of this is pretty average. You look like you've gone for quantity over quality, which is a big no-no. I reckon you could cut this song in half easily and still have a good length song.
Occasionally you seemed like you were forcing imagery. It won't work... it's much better to just do something else for 20 minutes and then come back to it. If still no joy, wait another 20 - maybe listen to a band you like, or read a chapter of a book. With time, you'll improve, I'm certain of that, and I'll make sure to keep tabs on your future stuff. Not a bad song, really, but a lot of work needed.

Score:

61%

[Corupt2057]

Lol that is amazing jason, you are absolutely right those two stanzas you didn't like were forced I built each one of them off one line just cause I wanted more content
I'll take your advice and be more patient in my writing from now on
Thanks I really appreciate it

by the way the whole pride in the pockets thing is an old saying
"Put your pride in your pocket"
I like to try an incorporate sayings/phrases into my songs because it makes people think they have heard/seen it before

[Corupt2057]

Revised
changed the end of the chorus to make it singable ditched a stanza changed up one re-worded another to make it singable and it's better now..

[kickasscowboy]

First verse is very good. Im afraid I don't quite like the second or fourth verses, rhyming is a little forced and they contribute little to the rest of the piece. The themes through out the song are interesting - the lockets and drowning. With regard to the chorus, i like it but think you shoudl consider changing the last line to "this world has caused it"

Favorite part would be:

The breath that escapes,
Floats to the surface.
Of the world that's caused it.
No no it's too late,
I can't stop it.

Excells in conveying desperation (what bigger despiration than drowning) and flows nicely.

Overall, an enjoyable piece but as is commented by others, you probably could cut it by a verse or two and just stick with some of the better ones you have written such as 1,2,3,5 and 6. The ending sums it all up well.

[Revolutionary Poet]

Very good imagery in this song... I like the underlying theme of a locket throughout the song. I enjoyed the 1st verse, but the rest of the verses didn't catch me. But the chorus didn't flow to me and it seemed really forced. It sounded like you tried to rhyme words that didn't quite fit in with the rest of your song. I mean... it wasn't a bad song overall.. but you just need to work on the forced ryhming in the chorus

[Corupt2057]

thanks for your comments
I re-did the last verse agian it flows better now and is easier to sing
as for your comments on the chorus being forced.. no it flows nicely and is very easy to sing the chorus changes tones half-way through I'm sure most of you would have done the same thing with it
kickasscowboy I did have the last line of the chorus ""this world has caused it""
worded exactly like that but I jchanged it cause when you try and sing it it was kinda hard can't say exactly why just was

[Daven]

this song needs improvement 5/10

[Corupt2057]

you're a bad critter 0/10 ;-)