Shadow

[caught_on_chaos]

you can interperate for yourselves what this is about, it's another one of those going through bad times songs that you write to make yourself feel better, but really it just ends up making other people feel worse :D it really needs the music with it but can't record at the mo. anyways let me know what you think not happy with this ones yet it's not entierly finished, needs tweeking.

Shadow

VERSE 1
I walk on the edge of reason,
I see in black and white,
Running blind through uncharted territory,
Won't give in without a fight.

-------instrumental--------

VERSE 2
The words fall out of my head,
Like so much rain on the ground,
Addiction so powerful,
I'm lost when you're not around.

CHORUS
I don't need you anymore,
I can be rid of you,
Once and for all,
Never will your shadow,
Darken my door,
Left you for good,
Of that I'm sure.

VERSE 3
Cold hands closing round my neck,
Your icey grip like stone,
We'll walk together this one last time,
Anything, just leave me alone.

rpt CHORUS

yeh i know the chorus is weak but it's all i have time for right now, but if anyone can help me improve it that would be excellent

[BlacklightGuitarist]

I walk on the edge of reason,
I see in black and white,
Running blind through uncharted territory,
Won't give in without a fight.

Didn't like the second to last line. Multi-syllable words are better in the line than at the end, especially when the line is longer than the others.

The words fall out of my head,
Like so much rain on the ground,
Addiction so powerful,
I'm lost when you're not around.

I didn't like the second line in this verse, mainly "so much rain." It's too bland or something. You want something more graceful, such as "Raindrop tears distort the ground" or something.

I don't need you anymore,
I can be rid of you,
Once and for all,
Never will your shadow,
Darken my door,
Left you for good,
Of that I'm sure.

I REALLY dislike the fist three lines and last line. The other three are great.

Cold hands closing round my neck,
Your icey grip like stone,
We'll walk together this one last time,
Anything, just leave me alone

"Just leave me alone" is no good. You need to work on that...

Overall, there's some great stuff in here, but it's ruined by some crap lines. Good job - just needs a little tweaking. Peace!

[TxAxNxD13]

VERSE 1
I walk on the edge of reason,
I see in black and white,
Running blind through uncharted territory,
Won't give in without a fight.

so far its pretty good...nothin bad...8/10
-------instrumental--------

VERSE 2
The words fall out of my head,
Like so much rain on the ground,
Addiction so powerful,
I'm lost when you're not around.

umm...this isnt really bad...i just think the last line is really pridictable...i really think you should change that line...but the first line is great! 7/10

CHORUS
I don't need you anymore,
I can be rid of you,
Once and for all,
Never will your shadow,
Darken my door,
Left you for good,
Of that I'm sure.

this is a not bad chorus...i would change is the word door...i think if you replaced it with something else it could be more powerful. And the last two lines should be scraped, i think. 5/10

VERSE 3
Cold hands closing round my neck,
Your icey grip like stone,
We'll walk together this one last time,
Anything, just leave me alone.

again...the last line needs some work...nothings stands out...6/10

rpt CHORUS




overall ill give u a 6.8/10...theres some good stuff..but it needs some work...could u take a look at mine pleas? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=319526