no idea for a title...crit for a crit

[TxAxNxD13]

Well…this is not the best song ever…but it works for me…I think there are a few lines that can be changed, I just need some suggestions. Thanks

Verse 1
This hell is worse than anything
I just want to be set free
In this cell for eternity
Get me out, please help me

Time growing longer everyday
Forsaken day light stay away
Never leave, here I stay
In this padded box I remain

Verse 2
I hear a rattle at my gate
You walk right into your own fait
Breathing coming closer now
The sound of another hell hound

Struck down on your knees
You beg him to hear your plea
No remorse is a monsters way
Soon you will see black again

(rockabilly guitar solo thingy)

Bridge
As your lying there in your own blood and sweat
You search for a hell worse than this regret
There still life in you , ya half to find the strength
Ya half to get up and walk the length

Shadows growing long as you walk to the door
As you come inside you fall to the floor
I see hope in your eyes, but despair in this life
By closing this door you dodge the knife

Verse 3
My life, no longer one of despair
No longer sharing his cold stair
Someone to talk and laugh with me
You seam to part this black sea

I found your blood with me last night
You did not struggle, did not fight
You want to share your life with me
Share it for all eternity

that’s it…it would help if you pointed out the lines that just sounded weird or out of place…or just bad. I’ll crit anyone else’s if they just leave a link.


ps
Titles would be greatly appreciated
thanks!

[deadreign 2]

it's too generic. but I do like the rhyme scheme. i would consider changing some words espcially : someday, everyday, in the first verse. they are too easy to use. think of more complicated words that are in relation to someday and everyday. Also i would add a chorus in here too, it would sound more complete.

[TxAxNxD13]

thanks for a crit i'll try to do replace someday and everyday...but im not ganna put in a chorus because it just doesnt work with the music for it...plus i have nothing else to write about it

[white_riot]

I really like your ryhme scheme and I thought the whole thing was pretty good. well done. 8/10

[caught_on_chaos]

good but the rhyming seems a little forced at times, kinda robotic i like the bridge it flows nicley, i agree, a chorus wouldn't go a miss either. good job

[AndNico]

ya...its really good

[Electric Riley]

"My Disclosure" I don't know.

[AndNico]

...jsut for being good, uber bump!