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View Full Version : free verse poem - quite long, but critique it and i'll critique your next TWO songs


chaos_through_order_13
03-25-2005, 01:40 AM
-Untitled-

The cliched phrase,
death is at your back,
when will you see?
he is so much closer...
he's inside of you, waiting,
waiting only for the chance to crawl out,
and envelop you whole.

Sadness and despair,
his primary objectives,
swell inside your supposed "loved" one's hearts,
as hatred grows around you,
for reasons beyond your control.
You always ran from the dark,
but you never did find the light.

The clarity of your biggest fear,
portrayed through your sullen eyes.
The fear of accomplishing nothing,
and hiding behind your own lies.
Merely put on this earth to live a life of denial,
then watch it slip away,
like the sand in a timer, sucked slowly underground.

Lying on the bed on which you WILL die,
contemplating the choices made in life.
God enjoyed watching you fall,
Give him the satisfaction, pull the plug,
Or take her advice and prolong the pain on this drug.

Your last embrace with the one you love,
with the face that intoxicates you so,
it will haunt you through and to hell.
Her beautiful eyes, never to be seen again.

Your guardian angel in life,
who now in your time of need,
turns his back on his forgotten protectee,
and watches him lie there, suffer and bleed...
Slowly and surely you realize,
every living creature on this earth, dies alone.

And you ask yourself...
Was heaven a mere concoction,
of those with optimist minds?
Designed to keep those without,
Hoping for the best?

Only you will know for sure,
as the oxygen in your lungs,
vacuumed out by your savior,
leaves your body alone once more,
to wait it's turn in the rush of dead.
Innocent or Guilty, we all die in the end.

Your entire life you blindy believed,
that "He", your savior,
was there to protect you,
only now you see...

He's cast you aside,
the man in white,
doused in the red of blood,
his iron fist condemns you
along with the others,
as if you hadn't seen it coming.

He's thrown your body on the pyre,
to let it burn slowly,
as the flames grow and grow,
feeding on bone and sinew.
the crackle of flame,
the moans of haunted souls,
likenesses you will become used to.
Angels up above,
demons down below,
we never really had a choice.

Your life was chalk full of unpleasant discourse,
The ambient air constantly quelling your spirits.
Overall, pusillaniminity ruled the mind,
and a never-ending love for her the heart.

The clarity of your biggest fear,
portrayed through your sullen eyes.
The fear of accomplishing nothing,
and hiding behind your own lies.
Merely put on this earth to live a life of denial,
then watch it slip away,
like the sand in a timer, sucked slowly underground.

A dead body lie in the bed,
a sight for all to see.
Tears are shed, though no one cries,
these are the things a person must feel, the moment that one dies.

Any Crits Appreciated

chaos_through_order_13
03-25-2005, 01:41 AM
specifically any thoughts of how i could turn it into more of a song than a poem would be appreciated :thumb: