City Lights

[Corupt2057]

:::Revised 7:52pm Friday March 25:::
I hope you like the imagery ;-)

City Lights

The city lights don't shine quite as bright as they use too.
The lanes on this highway have gotten a little too crowded.
Tired of fighting for the empty space at the Stop N' Go.
Sick of the detours from a man with the stop and slow sign.

(Chorus)
I use to think I loved these city lights,
Reflecting neon signs in my shining eyes.
Intimacy is neglected and privacy is high.
This city of sin wears its own disguise.
And if you don't get out,
You'll get pulled back in.

We're all in a rush to sink back in,
To the daily routine that's up agian.
This bumper to bumper speed and stop traffic,
Driving me to slamming the brakes on my nerves.
Stuck behind big trucks and dodging fast cars,
That are cutting you off on all the sharp curves.

Its products are strapped to the billboards,
They'll fix you and make everything so wonderfully perfect.
Drain your wallet and cut up your credit cards,
It's an endless chain of cause and effect.

(Chorus)
I use to think I loved these city lights,
Reflecting neon signs in my shining eyes.
Intimacy is neglected and privacy is high.
This city of sin wears its own disguise.
And if you don't get out,
You'll get pulled back in.

The lanes on this highway have gotten a little fewer.
The tension in my shoulders finally begins to rest.
Concrete dividers are now medians with grass.
The street lights have gotten a little dimmer.
And the traffics a little slower now that it's broken up.
My steering wheel grip gets a little lazy.
And if I start to miss it I can always spin around,
But I think I like things not so crazy in this small town.

This city of sin wears its own disguise.
And if you don't get out,
You'll get pulled back in.

[Noku]

I like the theme. However the lyrics aren't that strong but they are very sing able. I'll give you few hints to improve your writing.

"The city lights don't shine quite as bright as they use too.
The lanes on this highway have gotten a little too crowded.
Tired of fighting for the empty space at the Stop N' Go.
Sick of the detours from a man with the stop and slow sign."

Even though you want to make rhyme less verse you could use some logical structures to build the text. For example you could use word derivation: The city lights, the highway, the cars, the drivers, from wide perspective to closer and closer of "the character".

I underlined some rhymes from the first verse since I wasn't sure if they were accidental or not. Anyway, if you have rhymes in a verse then there should be rhymes in other verses also. If you didn't want to have rhymes then you should be more careful with accidental rhymes.

I bolded this one line since it has some nice usage of logical connections and rhymes... Light, shine, bright are logically connected and even better, light and bright rhyme which gives the line a strong rocking tone. Reminds me of Guns N' Roses for some strange reason... :confused:

(Chorus)
"I use to think I loved these city lights,
The neon signs having reflected in my eyes.
Privacy is high and intimacy is loose.
This city of sin wears its own disguise.
And if you don't get out,
You'll get pulled back in."

The thing with the first line is that "city lights" creates echo with the firs lines first word and title of the song. Still you don't seem to take advantage of this echo. Avoid these things if they aren't purposeful and if they are take better usage of them.

Second line is nice but that "having" ruins it all... "The neon signs, the reflections in my bright eyes" I added the bright there to get that rocking tone which is rich to your lyrics.

Lights, eyes, disguise... they rhyme with each other. But why is that loose in there!?! :D

Anyway, the third line is good but you should do something with the disguise.

I really like that Out In thingie in the end, that is very good as it is.

"We're all in a rush to sink back in,
To the daily routine that's up agian.
This bumper to bumper speed and stop traffic,
Has been wearing on my bundle of nerves.
Stuck behind big trucks and dodging fast cars,
That are cutting you off on all the sharp curves."

Using the "back in" at the first line of second verse is slightly disturbing. However it makes that nice rocking tone with the second line.

The fourth line is the weakest one in this verse, work with it.

I underlined trucks and cars to point out how nice logical connection they make. It adds to the rocking tone of the lyrics. Last line is also pretty nice.

"Its products are strapped to the billboards,
They'll fix you and make everything so perfect.
Drain your wallet and cut up your [U]credit cards,
It's an endless chain of cause and effect."

Second line is a bit weak, maybe "everything so fcuking perfect" would do the job.

Underlined again nice usage of logical connections!

"The lanes on this highway have gotten a little fewer.
The tension in my shoulders finally begins to rest.
The concrete dividers are now medians with grass.
The street lights have gotten a little dimmer.
And the traffics a little slower now that it's broken up.
My steering wheel grip feels a little lazy.
And if I start to miss it I can always spin around,
But I think I like things not so crazy in this small town livin'."

That's good but needs some work. You have a very clear idea of what you are writing about and that is very good.

"This city of sin wears its own disguise.
And if you don't get out,
You'll get pulled back in."

I think this is nice.

Overall, I liked the swinging and rocking tone... a bit like GnR - Nightrain

Just make it a bit stronger with structure especially while using very long lines. :thumb:

[El_Goodo]

Nice...I like it. And your right it does have that Matchbox 20 feel to it. But for some reason it sounds hard to sing for me. But i like the end of the chorus "If you don't get out you'll get pulled back in" favourite line of the song :) 7/10

[caught_on_chaos]

love the idea, really good imagery. writing needs to be improved a little just by glossing over it and changing some words that are repeated in lines close together here and there. good job

[white_riot]

good idea but the lyrics have to be improved. you used really good imagery and I think if you rewrite it you could make it better. 6/10

[Corupt2057]

Noku
By far that is the best most in-depth helpful critique I have ever received on any of my songs
I really appreciate it and I'm gonna take and work on the things you pointed out
I'll revise it and post the changes tonight
thanks everyone else for your comments ;-)

[Corupt2057]

I changed up the chorus so it would echo with the thought of the first line in the first verse
and I took out the word loose and replaced it with neglected
this in turn creating a rhyme with reflecting
also adding more to the thought of intimacy is not properly taken care of by whores and loose women
also flip flopped 3rd line in the chorus to continue an ongoing rhyme scheme in the chorus "lights, eyes, high, disguise" with rhyme and inner rhyme
replaced 4th line in 2nd verse to "Driving me to slamming the brakes on my nerves."
It fills the void that was in the verse and connects with everything like everything else does

by the way Noku I did expand on the metaphorical disguise of the city but I guess you didn't catch it, it would be the 2nd verse 2nd stanza about the products strapped to billboards

[POOSTAIN]

Not bad. Good idea in a song, although I can't relate too well since I've lived in Rural Minnesota my entire life. The verses are a little wordy but I'd have to hear how it's sang to really say whether or not it's necessary. Otherwise I'd say work some more on the rhymes and word repetion. 7/10

[Corupt2057]

thanks poostain yeah it's wordy but it flows with the way it's sung
bump

[Corupt2057]

bump

[megan bacon]

yeah i really like this. i like the imagery, i like the verse about draining your wallet. but id doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the song? or is that me misinterpretting what you're tring to say!? suppose only you know that. like evryone else seems to, i really like the ending; "and if you don't get out, you'll get pulled back in" don't know if you've got a melody for these lyrics, but when i tried to sing them, i couldn't make this last line fit without taking out the "and". i think the song has a very strong start, which made me interested straight away. but the last line of the first stanza is a bit of a let down. thares not much really to crit that hasn't already been said. overall, i like it alot.

[Corupt2057]

the last line if the 1st stanza will be a buil-up with music to run into the chorus so it really isn't an ending of it.. thanks for your comments and your suggestion on the ending of the chorus

[kuyarey_pogi]

I feel so New York.