Universal Factor

[Electric Riley]

Hello, I haven't walk these streets in a while. The Pit captivated me with its wickedness. All these new faces, new potential. It makes me smile. Anyway, I posted this song a while ago. It got good reviews, apart from the chorus, which was utter crap. I haven't changed much, but I wrote a new chorus. Tell me what you think. Please. I'll crit yours if you leave a link.

Inspiration? Maths. Duh.


Universal Factor

Consider me a factor in the decision you are making
Enough to alter the swing, the path already taken.
Disclusion overrides the previous course of action
But just another factor in the universal fraction.

Look for the angles of approach
I write them down as you depart
Divide the parallel path I take
By the equation to your heart

The burden of the choices, a great weight upon your being
Take more than just a random poke at the problem I'm foreseeing
Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

Look for the angles of approach
I write them down as you depart
Divide the parallel path I take
By the equation to your heart

I know you only view me as a supplementary component,
An unimportant number in the method of the moment
I feel whichever way I move may upset the balance
But maybe all you have to see is me, to pass the challenge

It's an undoubted fact
You can't be exact
Without a ruler, a protractor
And the universal factor

Look for the angles of approach
I write them down as you depart
Divide the parallel path I take
By the equation to your heart

[Geometric Patterns]

Consider me a factor in the decision you are making
Enough to alter the swing, the path already taken.
Disclusion overrides the previous course of action
But just another factor in the universal fraction.

Okay, first off (because I just read it) the last line is wonderful. Really. It flows, it stings, and its highly effective. And I'm a big fan of the approximate rhyme between line 1 and 2, nice job. It seems solid as is.

Look for the angles of approach
I write them down as you depart
Divide the parallel path I take
By the equation to your heart

Haha, neat. I like this. The only weakness is the second line. It may be difficult slipping another word that rhymes with heart to fit the context, but give it a whirl. This is good, though.

The burden of the choices, a great weight upon your being
Take more than just a random poke at the problem I'm foreseeing
Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

This is really a fun piece. Nice job on that second line. I can see you actually sitting in math writing this while the lecture is going on. Oh, the writer. Even while learning a different subject you'll bring make use of it. Great job.

I know you only view me as a supplementary component,
An unimportant number in the method of the moment
I feel whichever way I move may upset the balance
But maybe all you have to see is me, to pass the challenge

The last line isn't as strong as it could be, but the rest is gold. Especially those first two sentences. Bravo.

It's an undoubted fact
You can't be exact
Without a ruler, a protractor
And the universal factor

Wonderful.

Do you have a recording of this? If so, post it asap. I would love to hear it.

Great job, and get out of the pit and post more lyrics! They're enjoyable, and extremely refreshing.

[Electric Riley]

Thank ye kindly. No, I don't have a recording. I'm in the process of writing music, but I'm a poor school boy and I'll never be able to work out how to record a song with a cassette player and a matchstick.

Anyone else?

[deadreign 2]

This is very clever and it flows beautifully. But i do not really care for the chorus. It seems irrelevent to the rest of this piece. The first verse is my favorite. The whole context of this is great. It is also very unique which stands out on the forum.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

This is great. I mean no offense when I say this, but it reminds me slightly of RATM. Overall, I thought this was a great piece, and I'd give it a 9/10. Good job!

[Electric Riley]

Woot! Thanks everyone. Anyone else?

[Electric Riley]

Bump. C'mon peoples, what am I doing wrong? Just give me a couple of words feedback. Please.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

I know you only view me as a supplementary component,
An unimportant number in the method of the moment
I feel whichever way I move may upset the balance
But maybe all you have to see is me, to pass the challenge

Greatest stanza in the poem, i love it. The rest of it is also very good but the chorus coud use some work, maybe some lengthening.

[Fatal-Division]

Heh neato...a if you ever think a math teacher is hot..give that to them...but err...i'd wait till your in college ...so it's not illegal..hahaha...

but on a serious note...as above said I enjoy the poem...it has an obscure theme but since your dying to find someone with a problem with it

Don't just push me from the equation like an unused integer
I'm the factor that divides and changes the final universal figure

right there...your probably a much better lyric arranger than I am but it seems like you would have to rush the 2nd line to fit in context with the first...but I mean...really..thats just me being super nit picky...so..heh good job...crit mine...The Sun