Eternal - Let me know what u think

[Maroy]

Hey ppl, this is my first attempt, may even be my last attempt at a song. I was talkin to my friends, and i said somethin and i decided to run with it, and i wanna know what ppl though of it, so here it is.

Eternal

The nights pass away with nothing to show for it
As he sits there, with nothing to do
In a broken home, on the streets is where he sits
To stay the rest of his life in regret and doubt.

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

The air grows thin as he walks this street
Under the bridge he places himself
Wondering what happened to his bloody rose
Out of the darkness it comes
As he slips into eternal madness

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

A sudden burst and I’m on the ground
Wondering what the fu*k is going on
How did I end up like this?
Why did I end up like this?
It’s too late now
She’s gone, and now here I lay
Slipping away into my eternal slumber
I am no more

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away……..into eternal nothingness


I'm open to any of your thoughts on this, so say what u want,

[Electric Riley]

Hmm... First song you say? Well its alot better than my first song. Its has reasonable flow, and good meaning.

First stanza and off to a promising start. A bit repetetive with sit/sit, but maybe thats the effect you were going for. Chorus is a bit gruesome, no? Second verse is fantastic. Good work there. Third/bridge/whatever is a bit different. Its good, but a bit too emo. Why is it suddenly about a girl? It fits though, in a way.

Overall, good first effort. I look forward to seeing more stuff from you.

6.5/10