Eternal - Let me know what u think

[Maroy]

Hey ppl, this is my first attempt, may even be my last attempt at a song. I was talkin to my friends, and i said somethin and i decided to run with it, and i wanna know what ppl though of it, so here it is.

Eternal

The nights pass away with nothing to show for it
As he sits there, with nothing to do
In a broken home, on the streets is where he sits
To stay the rest of his life in regret and doubt.

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

The air grows thin as he walks this street
Under the bridge he places himself
Wondering what happened to his bloody rose
Out of the darkness it comes
As he slips into eternal madness

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

A sudden burst and I’m on the ground
Wondering what the **** is going on
How did I end up like this?
Why did I end up like this?
It’s too late now
She’s gone, and now here I lay
Slipping away into my eternal slumber
I am no more

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away……..into eternal nothingness


I'm open to any of your thoughts on this, so say what u want,

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Alright, after being in hiding for a while I've emerged and I'm gonna give this piece a look-see.

Eternal

The nights pass away with nothing to show for it
As he sits there, with nothing to do
In a broken home, on the streets is where he sits
To stay the rest of his life in regret and doubt.

This stanza's good, gives you an idea of what the song is about.

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

The chorus is ok but I don't really like the second line, the whole death schpiel doesn't really get me. Depending on what (and if) you change the second line to, the rest on the chorus will probably need to be altered. The other thing I don't quite understand is how the song is talking about this man for seven lines then suddenly shifts the focus to you. I don't think that this should be done unless you are involved in the story in some way.

The air grows thin as he walks this street
Under the bridge he places himself
Wondering what happened to his bloody rose
Out of the darkness it comes
As he slips into eternal madness

The only thing I find wrong with this stanza is the 'bloody rose' line. Everything else in it is good, the last two lines give an eerie feeling and makes me want to read more.

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away

A sudden burst and I’m on the ground
Wondering what the **** is going on
How did I end up like this?
Why did I end up like this?
It’s too late now
She’s gone, and now here I lay
Slipping away into my eternal slumber
I am no more

Ok, again with the shift of focus to you, throughout this whole song is 'he' really you? If so you should change all of the 3rd person pronouns and junk to 1st person because that just throws the reader right off. I like the use of questioning that you used in this stanza. Another thing is the words, "She's gone", who is "she"? Here's another thing that can confuse the hell out of someone, you should probably either add another stanza to introduce this character or just change that.

He lies on the street
Beaten, shot in a pool of blood
It’s all over now
I’m fading away……..into eternal nothingness

With the amount of times that this chorus is sung in the song, some variation should be done to the chorus so that it's different everytime you hear it. IDK that's just my opinion.

This song is a great first attempt, the only problem is that you tend to make sudden shifts of focus that confuse the reader, either that was a typo on your part or it was intended to be that way. Also the sudden introduction of "she" should be cleared up or cut out and changed. Some parts seem clichéd like the "fading away" bit, but I try to overlook things like whether something is clichéd, I mean what isn't these days. But anyway, it's fine, 7/10