(No Title)

[AgrimXXXX]

And I saw, as it were, a sky full of gold,
raining down secrets that have never been told.
And I laughed and smiled when I realized.
Aw struck, the stars gleaming in my eyes
I lit a lantern on the floor,
and made my way to the cellar door.
It creaked, and shattered the silent nite
I paused a moment, respectfully.
And down the hatch in the lantern's light
I saw, as it were, the directory.
Clawing through pages I found the number,
And woke her from her whistful slumber.
Tonight, I said, I've found the answer
Then light flashed from a fallen lantern.
The cellar door slammed like a heartless liar,
And I began to cook in the ruthless fire.
Screaming my plea for no one to hear,
Not from the pain but from the fear
That no one sha'll ever know the truth
We died in the cellar, just us two.


Just kinda ran with my imagination a bit on this. Lemme know what you think of it. Thanx in advance.

[deadreign 2]

you rhyme very well. and it ending is quite good. you flow very well with all of your poems. and like i said before you have a definative writing style. and this piece is another example of your distinctness. nice job with this one

[Geometric Patterns]

I really like this, its very smooth. I like the allusion to the tell-tale heart. The only thing is that the ending is not as strong as the beginning, so one the impact isn't as great. Just the 'screaming' but is a little redundant. But the last line is wonderful. Good job! I look forward to reading more.

[i_need_therapy_17]

i liked this alot the ending was really good...i wasn't expecting that to happen

[Noku]

Well... it is nice.

"And I saw, as it were, a sky full of gold,
raining down secrets that have never been told."

That is very good, but it seems that you didn't realize why this line is so much stronger than the others. IF you put a strong line like this in the beginning then you should try to write others with similiar structure:

1) "And I saw, as it were" <-- this is very abstract and interesting. Usually people don't see things as they are, if you see things as they are then you have really looked at it. You use aabb structures, therefore first a and first b should have similiar ideas: "And I laughed and smiled" is just two verbs, for example "And I laughed with joy"

2) "a sky full of gold / raining down secrets" <-- Sky and rain are logically connected. Again the aabb structure forces you to use some different words in third and fourth lines. You can't use the last word of third line to lead to the beginning of fourth line since it is rhyming with the last word and you didn't use the rhyming word in the first line to lead to beginning of second line. For example "when stars of Orion / gleaming in..." You don't have to use Orion, depending on what you want to say with the line and avoid using eyes because they rhyme with realize if you want to keep that. The logical structure is much stronger than rhymes, keep that in mind :thumb:

3) You keep on repeating the word "latern" but it doesn't have any symbolic value (or at least I couldn't get it). Repeating meaningless words is disturbing, our brains tell us that we heard that word before and they are having hard time to figure out why you keep on repeating it. For example the last line: "We died in the cellar, just two of us" You could use the lattern here instead of using such cliche word as "died". "Our laterns of life..."

You had some very good ideas there and I just want to make sure that they weren't accidental. Anyway, nice work.