The Filthy Collapse Of Love

[deadreign 2]

The filthy collapse of love
creates a classic ending
of a common commencement,
I had my fun,
an amusing swan dive into her heart

It is this beautiful downfall
that draws the blueprints
of a dirty whole in the ground
filled with water
Certainly cannot swim, going drowning

Through this disgusting submerge,
I have become
the first greatest silence
of a deaf generation,
filled with survivors who can swim
even though chains to anchors
are courageously capturing them

In this wonderful magnitude,
love is told in a scroll
written in calligraphy,
the treasure at the faithful bottom
and we now know,
anchors can be as light as balloons

In that scroll lies
extraordinary pointless writing
A language found at the undersurface, kept secret

The anchors take me to that treasure
Once found,
I shall never speak again
and bands of balloons bring me back

On returning to the open water
I realize
Beauty is never read in words

[AgrimXXXX]

I thought it was okay. A little hard to decipher the exact meaning behind it, but that's just me. Otherwise it was all right. 5/10

[MarioG14]

Its too corney and doesn't flow. 0/10

[Geometric Patterns]

I dont know if your style is my critiquing forte, but I'll give a go at it as best as I can.

The filthy collapse of love
creates a classic ending
of a common commencement,
I had my fun,
an amusing swan dive into her heart

Well, this is intereseting to say the least. I'm not sure in which way you mean a filthy collapse, though. Are you describing a relationship that ended badly, one that never had any love to start with, or just love in general? I'll probably realize it by the end of the piece, but I'm not sure as of now. Personally, I just dont like those two words together. Then again I just have issues with many words in our vocabulary (such as moist and secrete...yuck), and filthy is just one of them. It really brings down the opener. And check for a different word for amusing. I do like the idea here, though. Its like the 'big finish' for some act. Good.

It is this beautiful downfall
that draws the blueprints
of a dirty whole in the ground
filled with water
Certainly cannot swim, going drowning

Not too bad. I like the opening lines, but you could add more if you wanted to. Add a few more things just to make them more interesting. Just take more time with them. And again, I just dont think that dirty goes well here. With filthy. This piece goes with the sort of water-show that you're describing, and the words you pick go along with it, just not filthy and dirty. Pick lighter, more elegant words. Tone, tone, tone. The last line is good though, it's almost amusing. 'Lets go swimming!'...uh...drowning rather. Its clever. Good.

Through this disgusting submerge,
I have become
the first greatest silence
of a deaf generation,
filled with survivors who can swim
even though chains to anchors
are courageously capturing them

Take out disgusting. The rest is very very good, but courageously is not very fitting in the context of that line. Relentless or ruthless or something would fit better, because of the nature of the anchors and chains. Good, though.

In this wonderful magnitude,
love is told in a scroll
written in calligraphy,
the treasure at the faithful bottom
and we now know,
anchors can be as light as balloons

Hmm...I like this. But rather than the calligraphy part, try to incorporate like a treasure map. Hidden in the marks and paces. Something along those lines. The last sentence is great, nice job.

In that scroll lies
extraordinary pointless writing
A language found at the undersurface, kept secret

Mmm...this seems a little bit like filler. It isn't bad, but dont' write anything unless it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise the reader will lose focus. Dont let it become extraordinary pointless writing.

The anchors take me to that treasure
Once found,
I shall never speak again
and bands of balloons bring me back

This is good, I like that you're sticking with the balloon metaphor. Its hard to keep one through a piece, but you did a nice job. Tinker around with the third line, and it'll be gold.

On returning to the open water
I realize
Beauty is never read in words


This could have very easily been one of those overused, trite endings. But you didn't let it do that, and it actually is very effective. Nice job!

Overall this is a good piece, but the first draft always needs work. I can see this being great. post a follow up, if you get a chance. I'd love to read it.

[deadreign 2]

thank you greatly for that lengthy critique. i apreciate it.