Sh!t of the City

[Noku]

Here is one of mine, slightly experimental. I might have some grammar errors with prepositions etc. So please point them out for me to edit and give me some crits.

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Look at the flowers, the roses in basket, carried by a smiling girl
Walks through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a candle in starless night
Roses of the wasteland, grows for the hope, of her very sick dying mom

Steal the pills, get the money, pay the bills

Look at the gangs, the thugs in the mob, driven by cruel world
He deals in the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a butterfly in the storm
Drugs of the wasteland, grows for the money, to feed his starving sister

Kids are strong, you are weak, the world is wrong

Look at the mom, the living corpse in bed, forgot by lazy reaper
Creeps through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a greed kid in a candy store
Death of the wasteland, grows for the misery, to rot the soul of crawling humans

Stole my drugs, stole my money, gonna get my revenge

Look at the bullet, the barrel of the gun, held by angry dealer
Running through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a busy reaper
Violence of the wasteland, grows for the death, of the mourning people

She made them smile, she made them believe, she was so young

Look at the body, the blood in the ground, spilled by little girl
Aim across the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, never found the target
Dealers of the wasteland, grows for the hatred, of all the miserable souls

EDIT: Made some slight changes...

[deadreign 2]

I really like the subject matter of the poem. I do have friends that live in the ghetto and it seems like you knew and have experienced some things you talk about in this piece. I would consider changing the title though. It seems a bit to vague and overly simple. anyways, it is a well written piece of work

[AgrimXXXX]

Damn. Just... damn. It was very good, imo.

It's hard to point out good things about it because the poem in the whole was just great. I liked the **** of the city lines, and the metaphors that followed. The little girl carrying flowers through a ghetto like "a candle in a starless night". Very, very good. "Butterfly in a storm" was good too. Great ****in poem.

8/10

[Noku]

First of all I know nothing about life in ghettoes :lol:

I just had this vision and wrote it down. The title remains since it is the core of the whole thingie. I really didn't pay much effort for writing this song, I used very simple words and images. The thing about this song was the logical structure, first line of the verse is descriptive, from something concrete to something more abstract. The second line is revolving around the methaphorical meaning of "the sh1t of the city" but I think I failed on this, it doesn't get emphasized enough, perhaps if it was sung and you could use some musical methods to metaphorize the "sh1t" a bit better. Last line is kind of link between the verses. Then there are the bridge lines between each verse... maybe I could write a whole chorus which would emphasize the metaphorical "sh1t"... Maybe I'll give it a try.

Anyway more critics please! :thumb:

[Corupt2057]

I'll get back to critting this
I'm in a bind on time

[Corupt2057]

"Look at the flowers, the roses in basket, carried by a smiling girl
Walks through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a candle in starless night
Roses of the wasteland, grows for the hope, of her very sick dying mom"
1st line 2nd thought did you mean "in [the] basket"? I'm kinda hoping not because I like the way it sounds without the [the]
but I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it like that cause you broke away from it in all the other verses
ghettoes and candle just connected to me for some reason I can't tell why but I liked it sorry I can't explain it.
Possibly it's the metaphor similar to the old light in the forest I'm still not quiet sure.
3rd line 3rd thought too many adjectives I find myself fighting to finish it out

Steal the pills, get the money, buy the medicine
eh.. I don't like how this came out.. it doesn't have the strength of your Kids/strong line

"Look at the gangs, the thugs in the mob, driven by cruel world
He deals through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a butterfly in the storm
Drugs of the wasteland, grows for the money, to feed his little sister"
the 2nd line really came out well in this except for the 3rd thought
"like a butterfly in the storm" I really like the idea behind it, but the word butterfly itself breaks up the flow because it destorys the tone of the song with it's pronunciation.
You have nothing else to go with high pitched "Y" sound and I really don't think you need it either because like I said it ruins the mood. In short substitute the word.
as for the 3rd line the 3rd thought agian
This thought of dealing to feed his little sister was dynamite, but the way it's worded just isn't making the impact and it's taking from the flow
here's an idea you can play around with to help fix that
"to feed/or/fill her little hands"

"Kids are strong, you are weak, the world is wrong"
this was very nice it was just like bam bam bam

"Look at the mom, the corpse in the bed, forgot by lazy reaper
Wonders through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a greed kid in a candy store
Death of the wasteland, grows for the misery, to rot the soul of the weak"
1st line 3rd thought, if she is a corpse which would mean she's dead then the reaper did come for her.. the lazy reaper idea is contradicting the 2nd thought
2nd line 3rd thought, it goes without saying that a kid is greedy about candy so I think you should drop the word 'greed' you might try "like a sweet tooth in a candy store"

Stole my pills, stole my money, gonna get my revenge

"Look at the bullet, the barrel of the gun, held by angry dealer
Running through the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, like a busy reaper
Violence of the wasteland, grows for the death, of the innocent"
2nd line 3rd thought liked this idea of a busy reaper
3rd line 3rd thought suggestion: "supplying the crypt keeper"


She made them smile, she made them believe, she was so young
3rd thought suggestion: "She made them pay" I realise it takes away from where you were going with the thoughts
but I think a twist in it would surprise the listener cause they'll be expecting all the same linear thoughts

Look at the body, the blood in the ground, spilled by little girl
Aimed cross the ghettoes, the sh1t of the city, never finds the target
Dealers of the wasteland, grows for the hatred, of all the miserable souls
2nd line 1st thought suggestion: "Shooting through the ghettoes" keeps your structure intact

alright I actually really liked this because it has a original structure and how you kept it intact just incorporating new ideas into,
very good work I hope this help you tweak it up
speaking of tweaking (lol cursed to rhyme) I made revisions to my City Lights song based off your critique check it out and lemme know what you think