I don't know what I was thinking

[AgrimXXXX]

Took a walk down an alley and sat
There i saw a techno pussycat
Dancing to his heartbeat, how bout that
Realizing I hadn't looked up for a while
I noticed a constilation sparkling and spiraled
And down the funnel to the point
There sat a pregnant woman smoking a joint
I described her to myself in pastel colors
The others were subtle as they walked by fluttered
In a sea full of needles I go swimming
As they rip my flesh I'll start spinning
With my very best I think I'm winning
Mortal thoughts on infinite wounds
A coral box plays out of tune
I sang a song of the yesteryear
And sprang forth a rose bud from my ear
Totally aw struck and without hope
The people shivered and cried and choked
Evoked in an almost worthless wager
I knew a monster must once had layed here
Together again they bounced and giggled
And I myself turned away and walked hither


Yeah... it was a little late. Critique away.

[white_riot]

It was alright. The poem kept me interested, i think it was just ok. 6/10

[Sloth]

:amaze: nice! The imagery here is awesome!
I like how you make everything so obvious, yet so very subtle..
You actually have to think about what exactly it is you're saying here, i really like that... It's a refreshing piece...everything on here is so emo and straight forward..

awesome ideas : Techno cat dancing to his heartbeat...I described her to myself...sea of needles...
good ending also.



Keep writing.. .. ..Keep posting.. .. ..Keep on keepin' on

[MakeJobsNotWar]

I liked that, apart from the rhyming, it feels uncomfortable to read it with them.

Techno pussycat, i love that.

[deadreign 2]

Nice job. I like the uniqueness of it. Reminds me of Sublime. It is filled with some good images. And it flows suprising well.

There i saw a techno pussycat
Dancing to his heartbeat, how bout that

this is my favorite part. wonderful imagery

you use some great words in this piece such as : bounced and giggled, sparkling and spiraled, fluttered, hither and evoke (just to name a few)

well written.

[AgrimXXXX]

Bump thnx