Falling out of love : CLICK!

[AgrimXXXX]

Falling out of love
Out of love with life
A stale taste in the mouth
From bitter memories
And falling out of love
People can seem sick and sad
Do you have a gun? Let me borrow it
You can pick it up tomorrow
Off my bloody corpse
I'm gonna blow my head off
Having chills, all the time
People say I bitch and whine
Too much. You are how you feel
And I feel as such
Empty beer bottles litter the floor
Crumpled poems in the trash
It's 4am, I hear a knock on the door
Hoping it's another bottle of sour mash
Falling out of love with sweet things
I ripped out my tounge and cannot taste
Head full of cruel-hearted beings
I'm seeing, some things I do in haste
Falling out of love with life
And I feel as such

Not one of my best but I just wrote it so what the hell someone please say somethin about it good or bad I dun care.

[Sloth]

Falling out of love
Out of love with life
A stale taste in the mouth
From bitter memories
And falling out of love
People can seem sick and sad
Do you have a gun? Let me borrow it
You can pick it up tomorrow
Off my bloody corpse
I'm gonna blow my head off
Having chills, all the time
People say I bitch and whine
Too much. You are how you feel
And I feel as such
Empty beer bottles litter the floor meh.. very cliche.. This is very different from the post I just critted of yours... This wording and everything just doesn't work.. I'd say edit this to make it less "Blah, this is what I'm doing" or whatever..


Crumpled poems in the trash
It's 4am, I hear a knock on the door
Hoping it's another bottle of sour mash
Falling out of love with sweet things
I ripped out my tounge and cannot taste
Head full of cruel-hearted beings
I'm seeing, some things I do in haste
Falling out of love with life
And I feel as such Good.. MUCH better than the first part.. I like it in fact. Run with this

[white_riot]

I think the end is alot better than the fist bit too. I think you should rewrite the first part and keep the end. 5/10

[deadreign 2]

I think this poem could be better if you break it up a bit. Try seperating it into two or possibly three verses. It does flow well. And you do have a distinct writing style, which is always good. Also, try using more complex words in this piece it would sound a lot better.