My bands first song, Please critique

[ChubbySlim]

This is my bands first attempt at writing lyrics for one of our original songs. Let me know if you like it, or what we could do to make it better. Thanks guys :thumb: Oh, its written to a sorta fast paced song like Black Crows - Hard to Handle




All or Nothing

(Instrumental Verse I)

(Verse I)
Last time that you saw me
I was on a downhill slide
Left me with next to nothing
Barely let me keep my pride
But the tables are turning baby
Everything's gonna work out right
To bad you didn't see it coming
I'm gonna take it all tonight

(Pre Chorus I)
My chips are all in and I'm waitin for my shot
I keep seeing in your eyes that this one's gonna be the pot
I caught you in a bluff and this time lady luck is on my side

(Chorus)
All or nothing
It's time for you to choose
All or nothing
got nothing left to lose
All or nothing
can't afford to walk away
All or nothing
(no line here- previous note is sustained)

(Instrumental verse II)

(Verse II)

Here's a piece of advice girl
you really should take it to heart
Don't lay everything out so early
You're game starts to fall apart
You left you're world wide open
know everything you're tryin to hide
theres no way you can beat me darlin'
I've got the upper hand this time

(Pre Chorus II)
My chips are all in and i'm waitin on a shot
I keep seein in your eyes this one's gonna be the pot
I caught you in a bluff and this time lady luck is on my side
If i'm wrong it's gonna break me but if so i'll pay the cost
cause there's never been a better chance to take back what i've lost
So let's just throw it all in and sit back for the ride

(Chorus)
All or nothing
It's time for you to choose
All or nothing
got nothing left to lose
All or nothing
can't afford to walk away
All or nothing
(no line here- previous note is sustained)

(Chorus)
All or nothing
It's time for you to choose
All or nothing
got nothing left to lose
All or nothing
can't afford to walk away
All or nothing
(no line here- previous note is sustained)

All or nothing
All or nothing
All or nothing
All or nothing

[shadeddakotabassist]

I'll be back to crit this probably sometime next week. but I like what I read so far. great job!

[white_riot]

It was ok, I liked the chorus and the versus were ok to. nice job. 7/10

[ChubbySlim]

bump

[Daven]

i liked the chorus, but didnt liked the pre chorusII... 6/10

[ChubbySlim]

Do you have any suggestions for improving the song?

[*Bunifa]

Very poppy and cute, very Rick Springfield, very Knack.

I keep thinking it says

"My chins are all in".

Maybe you should change the last "All or nothing" in the chorus for a little contrast and drama?

[AreaaGatur51]

7/10

[trueman]

6/10 chorus and pre-chorus are nice

[shadeddakotabassist]

is this the extent of crits now? a single line of context with, at best, something like 20 words? bah! just so you know, since this piece is incredibly long, I'm going to have to cut my crit a bit short. but I'll get to everything that I think needs to be said.

(Verse I)
Last time that you saw me
I was on a downhill slide
Left me with next to nothing
Barely let me keep my pride
But the tables are turning baby
Everything's gonna work out right
To bad you didn't see it coming
I'm gonna take it all tonight

I like everything but the second to last line. even the last line flows with the rest of the verse, but that next to last line just seems a little out of place...I dunno..
god****it ok I'll finish this tomorrow I should think. bell just rang and I gotsta go.

[ChubbySlim]

bump

[shadeddakotabassist]

ok I'm back time ot finish this up.

(Pre Chorus I)
My chips are all in and I'm waitin for my shot
I keep seeing in your eyes that this one's gonna be the pot
I caught you in a bluff and this time lady luck is on my side


I'm feeling a bit of forced rhyming between shot and pot. maybe I'm just looking for something to b!tch about, but then again, it might be there. bravo on the last line, love it!
(Chorus)
All or nothing
It's time for you to choose
All or nothing
got nothing left to lose
All or nothing
can't afford to walk away
All or nothing
(no line here- previous note is sustained)

the whole chorus seems great to me, except for the repetition from the "All or nothing" line to the "got nothing left to lose". possibly find a synonym for the word or maybe change the whole line altogether.

Here's a piece of advice girl
you really should take it to heart
Don't lay everything out so early
You're game starts to fall apart
You left you're world wide open
know everything you're tryin to hide
theres no way you can beat me darlin'
I've got the upper hand this time

there's nothing I can really find wrong here, I'm just not sure I like it...sorry?

(Pre Chorus II)
My chips are all in and i'm waitin on a shot
I keep seein in your eyes this one's gonna be the pot
I caught you in a bluff and this time lady luck is on my side
If i'm wrong it's gonna break me but if so i'll pay the cost
cause there's never been a better chance to take back what i've lost
So let's just throw it all in and sit back for the ride

favorite part here. but it seems the last line shouldn't be...the last...line... to me, it feels as if it should go after the lady luck line and you should end this with the second to last line...if that makes sense at all.

ok then all done...7/10 total....I liked it..kinda...good job.

[ChubbySlim]

bump

[just another musician]

I like it. I can definitely see some Black Crows in it. But I think it would be even more effective if you changed your rhymes slightly. I've found that subtle rhyming is much more effective than obvious rhyming, and it seems to give more depths to songs. Other than that, I really like it. Hope that helps.

[KCsilvertone]

good, not quite PHENOMINAL, but good, 7/10

[espf-250htd06]

in a nut shell decent first song specially if your new to writing, also in a nut shell i can hear this chorus on the radio, which is defintly a bad thing put a little more of your verses into the chorus cause they were awesome title sucks i think ive heard that song title on like 15 albums or somthing gota be more orginal one of the three key factors on song writing youll hear the other two if you talk to me much other than that stuff nice job 7.1/10 thanks check out my poem i got up

[ChubbySlim]

bump

[shadeddakotabassist]

bump...deserves at least one more, right?

[Gave_Up]

Is this song about gambling or a woman? Got kinda lost in it :confused:

[ChubbySlim]

we were going for a possible double meaning, I know its kinda vague, but it was our first try

[Element of LED 435]

pre-chorus is pretty cool the other parts idk because i never heard the song only the lyrics

[Corupt2057]

your pre-chorus two you need to leave out the previous pre-chorus and just run with the last 3 lines
anyways I thought this was good it is definitely a song I would listen too and I thought it was well written the repitition in the chorus doesn't bother me it actually makes it more rocking and the gambling metaphor throughout the whole song was very good man
this kinda reminds me of what Linkin Park would write.. anyways good work
crit back:
I am not who I am (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=330230)