"frozen in time"

[i_need_therapy_17]

this song is about not being able to escape death...crits would be nice

Verse 1:

This clock we call life
keeps ticking away
minutes turn into hours
hours turn into days
I wish i had a stopwatch
to try to slow it down
but this clock keeps spinning
around and around

Chorus:

Frozen in time
this picture of mine
shows me how it would be
if i didn't live life
theres not much time to stay
im just decaying away
i wish i was young again

Verse 2:

These death traps we call choices
I avoided so well
but time caught up with me
and my bodys starting to fail
The decisions you make
may prolong your life
but death doesn't sleep
not day or night

===========
repeat chorus:
===========

Verse 3:

Six feet under
is where my body will rest
im lying on my death bed
hoping for the best
but I know I can't escape it
Its just a part of life
Even though I didn't choose a gun
Or didn't choose a knive

===========
repeat chorus:
===========

[TojesDolan]

eh..I'm not sure. A little bit to explicit. I mean, sure, it a nice poem, but you could use a lot more analogies to avoid being repetitive, but it's direct and makes it's point clear. Don't like the end, either. reminds me a little of trapped under ice orsomething like that, would work with a speed metal tune to it.

[kieranushurnusmcgee]

wow u really do need therapy

[shadeddakotabassist]

Verse 1:

This clock we call life
keeps ticking away
minutes turn into hours
hours turn into days
I wish i had a stopwatch
to try to slow it down
but this clock keeps spinning
around and around

This whole verse seems rather cliche when it comes down to it. the whole topic of unavoidable death isn't really overdone, but you've written this poorly. maybe you meant for it to be blunt and shallow, but then again, maybe not. IMO you should completely rewrite this with a bit more feeling to it, instead of barely skimming the surface of what could be said.

Chorus:

Frozen in time
this picture of mine
shows me how it would be
if i didn't live life
theres not much time to stay
im just decaying away
i wish i was young again
I like the chorus. well..most of it. the last line seems to throw me off. maybe something like "I wish I had time again" so you basically stay with the idea of time fading away.

Verse 2:

These death traps we call choices
I avoided so well
but time caught up with me
and my bodys starting to fail
The decisions you make
may prolong your life
but death doesn't sleep
not day or night
ok the only problem I really have with this is the incredibly forced rhyming apparent with "well" and "fail"...god****it...more forcing here! "life" and "night" come on! surely you can do better than this? whoah...not being constructive. my apologies. morning seems to be a bad time for crits..heh.

I like the last verse and the way you ended it, but even with the repeated chorus at the end it feels just a bit too short. maybe you could repeat the chorus twice or something...i dunno. all in all it was good, but I definitely think you could do better.

6/10

[deadreign 2]

It seems somewhat cliche. And it is simple. and many people know and understand that perspective of time. it would be much better if you wrote about time in a different perspective. or if you wanna use this perspective you have to be very unique about it.

[shadeddakotabassist]

kind of redundant on that whole perspective thing, weren't ya....heh...

[shadeddakotabassist]

oh and therapy. if you wouldn't mind returning the crit...hint hint....

http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=307141

thrashings are welcome, as long as they're justified. thanks

[AgrimXXXX]

A little cliche, a little dry.

But the structure and flow were nearly flawless. Just need to choose better words... :lol:

[white_riot]

I didn't really like it, The part i liked best was the last verse i thought that was really good but i didn't really like the rest of it. 4/10

[Noku]

A bit too direct... actually very much too direct. You could use techniques like word deriving (Flowers -> Roses -> Thorns), contrasts ("living death", "addiction of freedom"), logical structures in verses and some other techniques that helps to keep more imaginative lyrics connected.