"If It's Ment To Be" A revised song that I posted on here awhile ago...PLZ CRIT!!!

[livinginherletters4001]

This is a revised piece of work...plz take a look and give me some HONEST crit....thanks!

If It's Ment To Be

Verse 1
The sun sets high on these velvet skys and the air is warm and the sand is firm
And your next to me and your body I see but you left that day and I wasn't the same

Chorus
And I can't seem to get you out of my head and I'm sorry for the words that I might of said
Did they scare you away did they make you say what an awful day to be caught in the rain
(only the second time) But I'll see you soon if you call on me if it's ment to be then our love will meet

Veres 2
So we snuck away to seal our fate but the beach house was locked so we jumped the gate
And together we'll lay as I'll touch your face and we'll spill our guts and say how will play
And will it be tender blows from the I love you crows
Or the take it slow that your mother owns
Or how fate would have it you got up left and you left me here all alone to guess

Back To Chorus

[Sloth]

right off the bat...please put all of your writing in stanza format...not sentence.. it's easier to read and you'll get more crits..

Verse 1
The sun sets high on these velvet skys and the air is warm and the sand is firm and your next to me and your body I see but you left that day and I wasn't the same wonderful imagery.. no complaints to far..


Chorus
And I can't seem to get you out of my head and I'm sorry for the words that I might of said did they scare you away did they make you say what an awful day to be caught in the rain
(only the second time) But I'll see you soon if you call on me if it's meant to be then our love will meet hmmm... it's the same old idea...but I like how you put this..



Veres 2
So we snuck away to seal our fate but the beach house was locked so we jumped the gate and together we'll lay as I'll touch your face
And will it be tender blows from the I love you crows or the take it slow that your mother owns or how fate would have it you got up left and you left me here all alone to guess whoa..ok..yeah... please.. stanza format.. PLEASE... I had to re-read this about 4 times.. I still don't know exactly when you want breaks, pauses, etc....
other than that... this was very nice



Overall--- yeah.. stanza format.. I'm annoying.. deal with it, haha.. This was really good. Seems like a nice, short song to sit back and chill to.. Props

[livinginherletters4001]

Thanks for the crit...better?

[Sloth]

haha.. very much so.. thanks

[AgrimXXXX]

The flow and rhyming structure were definetly awesome. I could almost sing it while I was reading.

Verse 2 was really good. "I love you crows" was nice.

Overall the flow was the best part. I liked it a lot. 7/10

[i_need_therapy_17]

Verse 1
The sun sets high on these velvet skys and the air is warm and the sand is firm and your next to me and your body I see but you left that day and I wasn't the same

first off try cutting down on the ands it gets kind of repetitive...where you say "your next to me and your body I see" i feel like that it a bit forced ryhme because it was pretty pointless to say "and your body I see"

Chorus
And I can't seem to get you out of my head and I'm sorry for the words that I might of said did they scare you away did they make you say what an awful day to be caught in the rain
(only the second time) But I'll see you soon if you call on me if it's meant to be then our love will meet

once again you start with the word and....you can leave that out and just start with I. Away say and day are too common of ryhmes and too close together it felt like every couple words where ryhmeing when i read that. Be and me are also common.

Veres 2
So we snuck away to seal our fate but the beach house was locked so we jumped the gate and together we'll lay as I'll touch your face
And will it be tender blows from the I love you crows or the take it slow that your mother owns or how fate would have it you got up left and you left me here all alone to guess

i liked this the best...but the past and present tenses were kinda messed up you say "so we snuck away" but then you say "together we'll lay as I'll touch your face" its like your saying you did this stuff but then saying what your gonna do after you already did it...confusing huh?

overall: I didn't really like it too much

[almighty_sandwich]

not bad. good imagery. 7/10

[CcD]

i need therapy pretty much mentioned everything I was thinking about this song. The chorus sounds like it's one of the verses so you might want to change that. The second verse was probably your best ( but it still sounded strange structure wise) because you didn't rhyme two words at the end of each line. I suggest you rewrite the first one to be like that so it sounds less forced.

[shadeddakotabassist]

can I get back to this? I have no time right now and I've got people I already owe crits too. as soon as I can, I will. thnx for your crit

[Daven]

6/10

[white_riot]

it was kinda annoying but it flowed good so i'll you a 6/10 because it wasn't that bad.

[shadeddakotabassist]

Verse 1
The sun sets high on these velvet skys and the air is warm and the sand is firm
And your next to me and your body I see but you left that day and I wasn't the same

minor spelling errors, no body gives a d.amn. I like the almost sporadic rhyming scheme here. very nice

Chorus
And I can't seem to get you out of my head and I'm sorry for the words that I might of said
Did they scare you away did they make you say what an awful day to be caught in the rain
(only the second time) But I'll see you soon if you call on me if it's ment to be then our love will meet

..is it supposed to be "did they make you stay"? if not, that seems a bit better fit...'nother question...why does the rhyming change from line to line...you have the same set up as the verse in the first line, and then you add like four more rhymes in the second line...and then the last line...it seems like you could do better if you look at the rest of your song...I dunno..

So we snuck away to seal our fate but the beach house was locked so we jumped the gate
And together we'll lay as I'll touch your face and we'll spill our guts and say how will play
And will it be tender blows from the I love you crows
Or the take it slow that your mother owns
Or how fate would have it you got up left and you left me here all alone to guess


oooooooh...wordplay here gets me all tingly. couple of confusing parts that might not be so confusing if I knew if it was a spelling error or not.

over all I like it but it could be fixed up a bit, as all songs can be.