Victum of Circumstances

[Wankenstein]

I'm a guitar player, and I can't sing while I play as I've no coordination, but I still write sometimes, just for fun. Anyway-


Verse:

Cold air steals the breath from me
And knocks me to the ground
In the dead of night I see
The pieces of my life are raining down

I can't live with myself
What the **** could I have done
Lies hide lies hide lies and I can't
See where they've begun

They have begun

Chorus:

Smoking gun in hand
Steam rising from the bodies
Death is all I see
And there's noone I can blame
-But me

Noone to blame, but me

Verse:

Running blind from something
I'm not even sure
In my ears, voices ringing
Driving me to the brink of insanity

And it makes me want to end it all
If only one man could
I still hear the voices call
And I'd wonder if they would

If they could

Chorus:

I see the gun in hand
I see the falling bodies
Death is stalking me
And all that I can think
Is what will become
-Of me

What will beome of me

Verse:

And I wouldn't care to look behind
I don't deserve this sentance
But in the depths, deep of my mind
I question my existence

Victum of the cicumstances
I've been wrongly accused
But I alone face the concequences
And I've got not excuse

No excuse

Chorus:

Gun up to my head
Breathing getting heavy
Death is all that is
The rest is just a lie
-It's a lie

[MarioG14]

You should stick to guitar. :o :rolleyes:

[Geometric Patterns]

oh, come on, at least tell him why you gave that opinion

Cold air steals the breath from me
And knocks me to the ground
In the dead of night I see
The pieces of my life are raining down

Okay, this has fairly nice structure, it flows well. But, the second line just seems so forced. Its too predictable. And a little redundant. But the last line is very good, I like it a lot. Good use of imagery, and a nice way to end that stanza. Good.

I can't live with myself
What the **** could I have done
Lies hide lies hide lies and I can't
See where they've begun

Eek, the first line needs to go. And the swearing isn't necessary, sometimes if it is encorporated tastefully, it works, but not here. That line would be just fine withough it. I do like line three, but not the and I can't part. Just end that differently. The last line fits well, though.


Smoking gun in hand
Steam rising from the bodies
Death is all I see
And there's noone I can blame
-But me

Hmm. I like the first line. But, the rest is just, well, predictable again. There's no fresh idea, nothing extremely interesting or thought provoking. Just spend a little more time with this.


Running blind from something
I'm not even sure
In my ears, voices ringing
Driving me to the brink of insanity

Dont say 'something', say something along the lines of 'unknown enemy' or 'the unknown' or something to that effect, it would fit in a little more smoothly. As for the rest, just work on it more...add some different lyrical elements to it. Or some different concepts.

And it makes me want to end it all
If only one man could
I still hear the voices call
And I'd wonder if they would

Hm, again, don't use that first line. It's too self-pitying. And make the meaning of the second line a little more evidant. Its a little hazy. The last part isn't bad, but again bring out the main point of the piece a little stronger here.

I see the gun in hand
I see the falling bodies
Death is stalking me
And all that I can think
Is what will become
-Of me

Falling bodies...dont use that. Reminds me too much of that awful drowning pool song. Again, just kind of meditate on this song a little more. Grab your acoustic or whatever you have and just play around with some chords, the words might just come to you. This coming from a guitar player as well--I know how much more relaxed you probably feel holding a guitar. It works very well.


And I wouldn't care to look behind
I don't deserve this sentance
But in the depths, deep of my mind
I question my existence

For the third line, it would be fitting to say 'crime'. It would flow very well 'And if my life is to be lost with crime / well then i question my existance', or just tinker with it a little bit.

Victum of the cicumstances
I've been wrongly accused
But I alone face the concequences
And I've got not excuse

Play around with the second line. It just doesnt fit. And try to make the last line more powerful, after all it is sort of a climax, and you dont want the piece to just die.

Gun up to my head
Breathing getting heavy
Death is all that is
The rest is just a lie
-It's a lie

Okay, I think that you should just encorporate the last two stanzas. Make that last verse really strong, really powerful. And don't end it with an obvious suicide, leave the listener wondering. It will give them something to think about, which is always a great feature to a song


Not bad overall, very good for a first try, and for someone who doesn't write a whole lot. I don't mind the concept, and you have some really great lines in there. Just play around with it!

[Permanent Solution]

1. Learn to spell.
2. Cliche.

That about sums it up. Make your own style and don't try to copy what you hear on the radio.

[TojesDolan]

And I wouldn't care to look behind
I don't deserve this sentence
But in the depths, deep of my mind
I question my existence

That's the only line that really concerns me to crit badly. A proffesor of mien always told me NOT to repeat a word in a sentence. it's just...not right. use other words.

The rest is...well...AS others say, clichéd. but somehow it can be slightly pulled out the way you want it to be guided, just, play alittle bit more with the words. 5/10, you're not a lost case.

[kieranushurnusmcgee]

doesnt anyone on this forum post NORMAL lyrics?

[Txus]

doesnt anyone on this forum post NORMAL lyrics?

ME! , read SEARCH FOR PERFECTION please! :D

[Permanent Solution]

doesnt anyone on this forum post NORMAL lyrics?
Define normal.

[Wankenstein]

You should stick to guitar. :o :rolleyes:

I'm not much better at that :p

- Thanks for the comments. I honestly didn't expect such throurough, and thoughtful critiques. I don't know if I'll post any more, as alot of them are even more cliched than this peice (yes, it's possible) but thanks the same.

[AgrimXXXX]

I couldn't play guitar and sing at the same time either when I first started.

I learned it's all about the rythme. If you can play the guitar to a good/decent rythme, then usually you can chime in after you get the feel for it. If that's too hard try humming or whistling to the rhythme. It'll get easier.